DeMii. Lullaby came back to the mansion a mess and I fixed her up before she begged me to help find DeMii's body. I left her at the mansion with Josie. I was so fucking stupid, I should have seen it. Why didn't I see it? IT WAS RIGHT THERE. Every answer. Everything. It could have been prevented, but no, now she's fucking dead.
I ran, Joshua on my heels to the location Lullaby mentioned. The pond, it wasn't that far away, just outside the woods and up a hill. MASC soldiers were already pulling her body from the mucky waters when I arrived, still waist deep in it. I didn't care, I sprinted into there and grabbed her, checking for a pulse. It should have been obvious by her disfigured appearance, and perhaps it's better... I can't even decide. Joshua followed me into the water, trying to pull me out and comfort as I cradled her body.
My beautiful and wonderful DeMii. I wouldn't let her go, I didn't want to. I prayed, to who or what I don't even know, but I prayed this was just another nightmare. Brood was calling to have us get out of the water, get the body covered. He didn't trust our party being outside the wards after dark. I fought them, unwilling to separate. Joshua grabbed me from behind and Brood marched into the murky water to assist him.
And then we got back to the mansion and Lullaby was gone. Josie found the laptop up with the note left on DeMii's blog.
Lullaby. Doll Maker, reborn through that baby. That baby I became attached to, because she was DeMii's and I loved that both of them more than I could ever begin to express. This family, it's torn beyond repair. More than half of the people are dead, the others strayed. THIS ISN'T HOW IT WORKS! You don't just make those connections and have them torn apart just like that. It's doesn't work that way. It doesn't.
I fought Joshua to the fullest when he tried to give sympathies. He wouldn't leave me alone and let go. Every family, every single one is just gone or going to be before the week end. And the only brother I have left despises me so much his form of sympathy is that of pity. DeMii... Lullaby, was that just wasted time?
FUCK
I will find you, little girl. I will fucking find you and you'll stare at the grave of the woman who gave birth to you. I WILL MAKE YOU FEEL REGRET
Damnit. Just... Fucking damnit.
Joshua had his two MASC soldiers hold flashlights as he helped me dig her grave. I could barely hold the shovel, completely blindsided by this. Brood interrogated Josie on where Lullaby went, she had no idea. We dug a six foot deep ditch and laid her body to rest. Like every grave we'll plant something over it. Have to wait until it's a bit warmer out, too cold now. Everything is cold for all the wrong reasons.
After the funeral I decided I'm done looking at the mansion for now. I have a job to take care of at my kin's home and I just can't... She's gone, she's so far gone. And I have to focus, I have to finish what I started. End what was discovered. Push forward.
Rest in peace, beautiful. No more stress, ok? No more. I'm going to clean up everything, I promise. I'll take care of Lullaby, by any means even now. Just don't be in pain anymore, please.
I miss you already. I love you, and I know it's true. It feels like someone just ripped my heart out, it's real, DeMii. This was real, my sister. I regret nothing between us.
And Lullaby... WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU KILL HER AND LEAVE ME YOUR CONTACT INFORMATION? Goddamnit, fuck. I will find you. I will track you. DeMii entrusted you to me, Lullaby, and I will not dishonor her. This will never be fixed but I will do my damnest to get close, you keep playing run away, Doll Maker. Keep running, I'll drag you back here and make you see everything you threw away. Everylittlefuckingthing. DeMii loved you, she trusted you, WE loved you, and you just threw it all away! It's not over, dove. Not by a long shot.
I don't want to be here anymore. Not right now. This place doesn't feel like home currently.
I'm leaving the mansion. I'm going home and dealing with what needs to be done, then I'll be back. Update what is necessary only. Fuck the rest. Fuck this.
Showing posts with label Lullaby. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Lullaby. Show all posts
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Forty-Second Post.
I feel... Relief, perhaps? After yesterday and all, sigh. I spent the day with DeMii and Lullaby, which can be told in detail here.
It was a nice day. That's an understatement. Brood and Joshua didn't want me to leave but fuck them. I needed something real and pure. The two girls are just that, as is our bond. It's something I can't replace or even begin to explain. DeMii is the sister that might not be blood related but is far more real than what I have currently.
That sounds cold. It's difficult to put into context. Ha. Yea. Difficult, when isn't it? I'm confused, I don't know what I should be feeling so I just don't feel anything at all.
"#$@%$^%&, you're a borderline sociopath."
"Just because I don't react the same way to things you people do doesn't make me fucked up. Just makes me different."
"I'm going to prescribe you with something..."
"You're not going to shove a single goddamn pill down my throat for my honesty. I'm sick of seeing your face twice a week. You're supposed to be trying to understand me. Every single human is different, an individual, and it's beautiful. Your job is to learn and understand each patient, assist them with their issues. You're a joke, a lie. You're nothing but a drug dealer with a fucking license. Only thing you taught me is that this is a waste of money. My reflection can tell me more than you can ever hope to."
Funny how memories come at the most random of times. That's the one I got while writing this. I've been shoved into plenty of psychiatrist offices, they all say the same thing. "You're borderline sociopath. The only reason I don't confirm you are a sociopath is from the sincerity you have when mentioning your family and some friends. I doubt your personality has changed even with your memory loss, your parents have said as much. That's not all bad, you still retain who you were before the amnesia. At the same time it's a cause for concern the way you behave so stoically. I see previous doctors have had the same concern, before and after the memory loss. They confirm it for the same reason." But that reason can be faked, Doc, no?
"It was my first suspicion upon meeting you. There are a lot of strong feelings you keep tightly coiled up within you, but they are there and they are pure." Smiles grinned softly.
"You think so, huh?" I rolled my eyes dully at her attempts to cheer me up after another session with the doctors.
"Don't be rude." I groaned in response, falling onto my side in the grass. Her grin turned cheeky, I simply stared up at her with a scowl. Even as a kid I was a grouch. "Come ooooon." She playfully whined, tugging at my arm. "You know it's true! Don't pretend like you don't have them or the docs will really put you away." I just looked at her. "Again. But that's besides the point, #%$%&&#@."
I let her hold my forearm as the rest of me turned away from her. "I shouldn't have to force myself to show emotions. They are there, isn't that enough? I hate humans. Nothing is ever good enough."
"Liar. You love us. We fascinate you!" I could hear her giggling. "Stop talking about yourself like you're some other species." I glanced flatly over my shoulder at her. "Everyone will think you're something vicious, like a raptor."
"...A raptor?" I smirked amused which was followed by a laugh as she did her best impression of one.
"There! See, you're laughing. You're entertained, which means you feel."
"Maybe your idiocy only makes me see you as an easier target, fool." I grinned, propping up on an elbow.
Her face contorted into a wider grin, laughing and giggling. "You're such a villain. I'm gonna be the hero that wins your heart and changes your path."
I snorted, "Please. Heroes don't exist anymore. That term has been stretched to its limits but the dumbasses that populate our planet."
"So negative." She pouted, I glanced at her before falling onto my back. She joined me a moment later, huffing. "You're not a sociopath."
I paused. "I know. I think I would know if I was one."
"The doctors are just stupid. You feel things. I know you love people." She held up her hand at the ring I got her. A smile was on her pretty little face, it had a weird calming effect. "Proof. I know the truth, you don't have to force yourself to be any other way." I nodded quietly, watching her sincere and innocent face. "And then we'll get married, flip off the world, skip through a field of daises, play hide and seek in some sunflowers, and get a house, or maybe even a farm, far away from everyone."
I could feel myself cracking a smile, really wanting to believe that. "Yea, that sounds like a good life, Smiles." I responded, looking past her at the tall shape with a blank face. Its hand lifted in a commanding way, my head filled with noise and my vision fell to black.
And I would surface later, within the blackness. Feeling all those 'pure emotions' she claimed I have. After I murdered her. She'd come to be fully aware that afternoon of the acts I committed through His influence, and would die feeling every ounce of rage.
But she is back, the same way my parents are. Memories covered up by an illusion, both self made and forced upon me. Billy said she was in Europe, no idea where or why or if that is even true. Hell, of course it is true. That idiot was the most honest kid I've ever known, even if it was blunt or brutal at times.
DeMii gave support on my decisions. She listened today as I explained my mixed feelings on that matter. Part of me feels numb towards the fakes, another part feels upset and selfish, another is somewhat happy and content with getting to see things until this point. DeMii said it was alright to feel all those things, that I should cherish the latter above all because it holds truth. I'm numbing it out until I return home and try and see if they are even aware of their unique existence. It seems highly unlikely, but I'd rather know for sure. I'm going to have to return home for a few days prior to... Yea. So it isn't odd when the 'accident' happens and all. It's going to be strange being in that small house and have it so quiet.
Sigh. Anyways, I might have been hurting a bit today, physically, but it was worth it. I've grown attached to the two girls who have become family. I mean, how could I not? I'm a fucking aunt, people. SHADY, AN AUNT. I mean, come on, who would have expected THAT? Haha. Wow, just wow. It just left me in awe a lot today, watching and playing with Lullaby. Registering fully I'm her aunt, that DeMii is then my sister. And I was like, alright, the shit with my kin is awful but I think I'll manage. I got these two with me against the world.
It's so hard to put into context the affection I've come to feel towards them. Despite any minor differences we've had and will have, nothing will change it. There's a sense of security there knowing this. A stability, it's nice. And again, that's an understatement.
I guess this stability has given me some light on the rare few others that can be counted as such. If you need to ask yourself or me if you are one that just means you obviously aren't, heh. People who will blindly say they are one are obviously not either, heh, heh. You'll just know, it's one of those kinds of feelings. Am I right, Dia?
Been a really nice day. Can't wait to pass out.
I've been sitting here writing this for like, hooooours. I keep getting distracted. Whiskey. Hurrr. I don't drink much, but when I do...
I can't think up something wittty for that anymore. Thought I had something but NOEP!
Beeeeeeed. ZzZzZz
Stay safe LAAAAAADIES and gents,
-Shady that became blitzed Shady
It was a nice day. That's an understatement. Brood and Joshua didn't want me to leave but fuck them. I needed something real and pure. The two girls are just that, as is our bond. It's something I can't replace or even begin to explain. DeMii is the sister that might not be blood related but is far more real than what I have currently.
That sounds cold. It's difficult to put into context. Ha. Yea. Difficult, when isn't it? I'm confused, I don't know what I should be feeling so I just don't feel anything at all.
"#$@%$^%&, you're a borderline sociopath."
"Just because I don't react the same way to things you people do doesn't make me fucked up. Just makes me different."
"I'm going to prescribe you with something..."
"You're not going to shove a single goddamn pill down my throat for my honesty. I'm sick of seeing your face twice a week. You're supposed to be trying to understand me. Every single human is different, an individual, and it's beautiful. Your job is to learn and understand each patient, assist them with their issues. You're a joke, a lie. You're nothing but a drug dealer with a fucking license. Only thing you taught me is that this is a waste of money. My reflection can tell me more than you can ever hope to."
Funny how memories come at the most random of times. That's the one I got while writing this. I've been shoved into plenty of psychiatrist offices, they all say the same thing. "You're borderline sociopath. The only reason I don't confirm you are a sociopath is from the sincerity you have when mentioning your family and some friends. I doubt your personality has changed even with your memory loss, your parents have said as much. That's not all bad, you still retain who you were before the amnesia. At the same time it's a cause for concern the way you behave so stoically. I see previous doctors have had the same concern, before and after the memory loss. They confirm it for the same reason." But that reason can be faked, Doc, no?
"It was my first suspicion upon meeting you. There are a lot of strong feelings you keep tightly coiled up within you, but they are there and they are pure." Smiles grinned softly.
"You think so, huh?" I rolled my eyes dully at her attempts to cheer me up after another session with the doctors.
"Don't be rude." I groaned in response, falling onto my side in the grass. Her grin turned cheeky, I simply stared up at her with a scowl. Even as a kid I was a grouch. "Come ooooon." She playfully whined, tugging at my arm. "You know it's true! Don't pretend like you don't have them or the docs will really put you away." I just looked at her. "Again. But that's besides the point, #%$%&&#@."
I let her hold my forearm as the rest of me turned away from her. "I shouldn't have to force myself to show emotions. They are there, isn't that enough? I hate humans. Nothing is ever good enough."
"Liar. You love us. We fascinate you!" I could hear her giggling. "Stop talking about yourself like you're some other species." I glanced flatly over my shoulder at her. "Everyone will think you're something vicious, like a raptor."
"...A raptor?" I smirked amused which was followed by a laugh as she did her best impression of one.
"There! See, you're laughing. You're entertained, which means you feel."
"Maybe your idiocy only makes me see you as an easier target, fool." I grinned, propping up on an elbow.
Her face contorted into a wider grin, laughing and giggling. "You're such a villain. I'm gonna be the hero that wins your heart and changes your path."
I snorted, "Please. Heroes don't exist anymore. That term has been stretched to its limits but the dumbasses that populate our planet."
"So negative." She pouted, I glanced at her before falling onto my back. She joined me a moment later, huffing. "You're not a sociopath."
I paused. "I know. I think I would know if I was one."
"The doctors are just stupid. You feel things. I know you love people." She held up her hand at the ring I got her. A smile was on her pretty little face, it had a weird calming effect. "Proof. I know the truth, you don't have to force yourself to be any other way." I nodded quietly, watching her sincere and innocent face. "And then we'll get married, flip off the world, skip through a field of daises, play hide and seek in some sunflowers, and get a house, or maybe even a farm, far away from everyone."
I could feel myself cracking a smile, really wanting to believe that. "Yea, that sounds like a good life, Smiles." I responded, looking past her at the tall shape with a blank face. Its hand lifted in a commanding way, my head filled with noise and my vision fell to black.
And I would surface later, within the blackness. Feeling all those 'pure emotions' she claimed I have. After I murdered her. She'd come to be fully aware that afternoon of the acts I committed through His influence, and would die feeling every ounce of rage.
But she is back, the same way my parents are. Memories covered up by an illusion, both self made and forced upon me. Billy said she was in Europe, no idea where or why or if that is even true. Hell, of course it is true. That idiot was the most honest kid I've ever known, even if it was blunt or brutal at times.
DeMii gave support on my decisions. She listened today as I explained my mixed feelings on that matter. Part of me feels numb towards the fakes, another part feels upset and selfish, another is somewhat happy and content with getting to see things until this point. DeMii said it was alright to feel all those things, that I should cherish the latter above all because it holds truth. I'm numbing it out until I return home and try and see if they are even aware of their unique existence. It seems highly unlikely, but I'd rather know for sure. I'm going to have to return home for a few days prior to... Yea. So it isn't odd when the 'accident' happens and all. It's going to be strange being in that small house and have it so quiet.
Sigh. Anyways, I might have been hurting a bit today, physically, but it was worth it. I've grown attached to the two girls who have become family. I mean, how could I not? I'm a fucking aunt, people. SHADY, AN AUNT. I mean, come on, who would have expected THAT? Haha. Wow, just wow. It just left me in awe a lot today, watching and playing with Lullaby. Registering fully I'm her aunt, that DeMii is then my sister. And I was like, alright, the shit with my kin is awful but I think I'll manage. I got these two with me against the world.
It's so hard to put into context the affection I've come to feel towards them. Despite any minor differences we've had and will have, nothing will change it. There's a sense of security there knowing this. A stability, it's nice. And again, that's an understatement.
I guess this stability has given me some light on the rare few others that can be counted as such. If you need to ask yourself or me if you are one that just means you obviously aren't, heh. People who will blindly say they are one are obviously not either, heh, heh. You'll just know, it's one of those kinds of feelings. Am I right, Dia?
Been a really nice day. Can't wait to pass out.
I've been sitting here writing this for like, hooooours. I keep getting distracted. Whiskey. Hurrr. I don't drink much, but when I do...
I can't think up something wittty for that anymore. Thought I had something but NOEP!
Beeeeeeed. ZzZzZz
Stay safe LAAAAAADIES and gents,
-Shady that became blitzed Shady
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
My Ass
Hurts. You know, my shoulder is killing me and I have a broken arm, few ribs, I'm covered in bruises and scrapes, some gashes, got a sprained ankle, injured wrist, and I am cursing Thuggee out for my ass hurting after he flung me into a few walls and onto the ground a couple of times. Funny how shit works out, eh?
Now... To tell you I'm angry is putting it mildly. I am pissed the fuck off. Alright, so, mansion is half destroyed. Ok, that just means I'll have to fix all the repairs I made. Sure, that'll be a nice distraction, right? Yea? Ok? Mm... Orderly is baked. Alright, so, I just lost a lead and location of the transferred files. Yes, yes, ok. Some members have poofed, Advocate snatched Lullaby.
...
I WILL FUCKING MURDER YOU IF YOU HARMED A HAIR ON HER HEAD! Luckily... You didn't really. So I don't have to hunt your ass down, congrats. Oh wait, that's what you wanted, right? Winning here then twice as hard! She came back, or was freed, and even brought Doctor Proctor! It will be nice to have him in our company. Him and I have been privately meeting since I broke into his house and what not, no sense in hiding it now. It's nice to have him around for more than a few minutes. Have to get him set up in a spot.
And then wait with a shotgun for Advocate to pop back up.
It's really, really... Heh... REALLY hard to type with a broken arm. It's frustrating poking at the keys with my good hand, slow motion, Satan cowers should I make a mistake. Which is why I'm not sending the attack just yet. I'm telling you all yea, we are all alive. MASC needs to get the stick out of their asses, riding on their high horses with that lodged there really explains a lot... And it isn't helping us like them, at all. -_-
I laughed hysterically, despite the pain in my ribs, when I heard Mr. Sunshine roughed up some of their men. Seriously, I almost fell backwards in the chair they had me in. I heard they had to sedate Mr. Sunshine and laughed harder. It's so great when you have so much energy from being so angry and it just finds ways to exert itself. Ohgod, they weren't happy gents but I couldn't myself. They should have paid better attention.
Least I got patched up a bit. I've got a cast on my arm, it's really annoying. No, like, REALLY annoying. I dislike not being able to use it but now I can threaten to bludgeon people death! The MASC soldiers are at least tending to some of the labor. Mystery chuckled when I started yelling at them for doing something wrong.
Ughs, my everything hurts and I can't even lay down and rest because Thuggee fucked up my "bed". That slab of the wall I've been snoozing on. Asshole.
It's fine, though, because I totally haven't been sleeping. Is it showing? Oh well! Fun news? I was doing nightly rounds and a soldier followed me, I ended up walking into another soldier on watch and got a barrel in my face. Mr. Sunshine was growling from somewhere and I threatened the hell out of the soldier and threw aside the aimed gun. MASC, I don't deal well with people trying to order me around and I don't do well when people tell me they are trying to help us while trying to control us. Oh I'm sorry, is this bad rep for you gents? Well, honsetly, I'm not sorry and I hope it is.
Mr. Sunshine isn't happy, especially with what happened before the attack itself. More on that with the following post about the attack day itself. He's not happy with me being up and walking on my ankle but I have to. I swat him when he tries to coddle but... It's familiar and so I've been leaning on my friend here since we've been back. He's beat up... Badly, but it doesn't bug him, not like it should. I'm going to redress his wounds shortly.
Everyone is worried but alive and ok. We're now missing two fellows and I'm pissed no one is doing more to find them. Mm... I think bitch mode is going to be activated until something gets done to find them. Oh and apparently something fucked up MASC soldiers after Thuggee left and before we came back. During the period when MASC was holding us. No idea what or who it was yet, ughs.
Oh. Did I mention my axe is cracked? MY FUCKING AXE IS CRACKED. I--What-No--SO PISSED OFF! HE CRACKED MY AXE! The wood is all split and fuckingpissassantmotherfucker.
Ok. I'm off for tonight. It's bad enough this took me like an hour to type, heh.
Ignore any outbursts till things smooth out here. I'm using this as a place to vent. Twitter was already abused yesterday morning, snicker.
Stay safe,
-Shady
Now... To tell you I'm angry is putting it mildly. I am pissed the fuck off. Alright, so, mansion is half destroyed. Ok, that just means I'll have to fix all the repairs I made. Sure, that'll be a nice distraction, right? Yea? Ok? Mm... Orderly is baked. Alright, so, I just lost a lead and location of the transferred files. Yes, yes, ok. Some members have poofed, Advocate snatched Lullaby.
...
I WILL FUCKING MURDER YOU IF YOU HARMED A HAIR ON HER HEAD! Luckily... You didn't really. So I don't have to hunt your ass down, congrats. Oh wait, that's what you wanted, right? Winning here then twice as hard! She came back, or was freed, and even brought Doctor Proctor! It will be nice to have him in our company. Him and I have been privately meeting since I broke into his house and what not, no sense in hiding it now. It's nice to have him around for more than a few minutes. Have to get him set up in a spot.
And then wait with a shotgun for Advocate to pop back up.
It's really, really... Heh... REALLY hard to type with a broken arm. It's frustrating poking at the keys with my good hand, slow motion, Satan cowers should I make a mistake. Which is why I'm not sending the attack just yet. I'm telling you all yea, we are all alive. MASC needs to get the stick out of their asses, riding on their high horses with that lodged there really explains a lot... And it isn't helping us like them, at all. -_-
I laughed hysterically, despite the pain in my ribs, when I heard Mr. Sunshine roughed up some of their men. Seriously, I almost fell backwards in the chair they had me in. I heard they had to sedate Mr. Sunshine and laughed harder. It's so great when you have so much energy from being so angry and it just finds ways to exert itself. Ohgod, they weren't happy gents but I couldn't myself. They should have paid better attention.
Least I got patched up a bit. I've got a cast on my arm, it's really annoying. No, like, REALLY annoying. I dislike not being able to use it but now I can threaten to bludgeon people death! The MASC soldiers are at least tending to some of the labor. Mystery chuckled when I started yelling at them for doing something wrong.
Ughs, my everything hurts and I can't even lay down and rest because Thuggee fucked up my "bed". That slab of the wall I've been snoozing on. Asshole.
It's fine, though, because I totally haven't been sleeping. Is it showing? Oh well! Fun news? I was doing nightly rounds and a soldier followed me, I ended up walking into another soldier on watch and got a barrel in my face. Mr. Sunshine was growling from somewhere and I threatened the hell out of the soldier and threw aside the aimed gun. MASC, I don't deal well with people trying to order me around and I don't do well when people tell me they are trying to help us while trying to control us. Oh I'm sorry, is this bad rep for you gents? Well, honsetly, I'm not sorry and I hope it is.
Mr. Sunshine isn't happy, especially with what happened before the attack itself. More on that with the following post about the attack day itself. He's not happy with me being up and walking on my ankle but I have to. I swat him when he tries to coddle but... It's familiar and so I've been leaning on my friend here since we've been back. He's beat up... Badly, but it doesn't bug him, not like it should. I'm going to redress his wounds shortly.
Everyone is worried but alive and ok. We're now missing two fellows and I'm pissed no one is doing more to find them. Mm... I think bitch mode is going to be activated until something gets done to find them. Oh and apparently something fucked up MASC soldiers after Thuggee left and before we came back. During the period when MASC was holding us. No idea what or who it was yet, ughs.
Oh. Did I mention my axe is cracked? MY FUCKING AXE IS CRACKED. I--What-No--SO PISSED OFF! HE CRACKED MY AXE! The wood is all split and fuckingpissassantmotherfucker.
Ok. I'm off for tonight. It's bad enough this took me like an hour to type, heh.
Ignore any outbursts till things smooth out here. I'm using this as a place to vent. Twitter was already abused yesterday morning, snicker.
Stay safe,
-Shady
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