Thursday, February 16, 2012

Forty-Second Post.

I feel... Relief, perhaps? After yesterday and all, sigh. I spent the day with DeMii and Lullaby, which can be told in detail here.

It was a nice day. That's an understatement. Brood and Joshua didn't want me to leave but fuck them. I needed something real and pure. The two girls are just that, as is our bond. It's something I can't replace or even begin to explain. DeMii is the sister that might not be blood related but is far more real than what I have currently.

That sounds cold. It's difficult to put into context. Ha. Yea. Difficult, when isn't it? I'm confused, I don't know what I should be feeling so I just don't feel anything at all.

"#$@%$^%&, you're a borderline sociopath."

"Just because I don't react the same way to things you people do doesn't make me fucked up. Just makes me different."

"I'm going to prescribe you with something..."

"You're not going to shove a single goddamn pill down my throat for my honesty. I'm sick of seeing your face twice a week. You're supposed to be trying to understand me. Every single human is different, an individual, and it's beautiful. Your job is to learn and understand each patient, assist them with their issues. You're a joke, a lie. You're nothing but a drug dealer with a fucking license. Only thing you taught me is that this is a waste of money. My reflection can tell me more than you can ever hope to."

Funny how memories come at the most random of times. That's the one I got while writing this. I've been shoved into plenty of psychiatrist offices, they all say the same thing. "You're borderline sociopath. The only reason I don't confirm you are a sociopath is from the sincerity you have when mentioning your family and some friends. I doubt your personality has changed even with your memory loss, your parents have said as much. That's not all bad, you still retain who you were before the amnesia. At the same time it's a cause for concern the way you behave so stoically. I see previous doctors have had the same concern, before and after the memory loss. They confirm it for the same reason." But that reason can be faked, Doc, no?

"It was my first suspicion upon meeting you. There are a lot of strong feelings you keep tightly coiled up within you, but they are there and they are pure." Smiles grinned softly.

"You think so, huh?" I rolled my eyes dully at her attempts to cheer me up after another session with the doctors.

"Don't be rude." I groaned in response, falling onto my side in the grass. Her grin turned cheeky, I simply stared up at her with a scowl. Even as a kid I was a grouch. "Come ooooon." She playfully whined, tugging at my arm. "You know it's true! Don't pretend like you don't have them or the docs will really put you away." I just looked at her. "Again. But that's besides the point, #%$%&&#@."

I let her hold my forearm as the rest of me turned away from her. "I shouldn't have to force myself to show emotions. They are there, isn't that enough? I hate humans. Nothing is ever good enough."

"Liar. You love us. We fascinate you!" I could hear her giggling. "Stop talking about yourself like you're some other species." I glanced flatly over my shoulder at her. "Everyone will think you're something vicious, like a raptor."

"...A raptor?" I smirked amused which was followed by a laugh as she did her best impression of one.

"There! See, you're laughing. You're entertained, which means you feel."

"Maybe your idiocy only makes me see you as an easier target, fool." I grinned, propping up on an elbow.

Her face contorted into a wider grin, laughing and giggling. "You're such a villain. I'm gonna be the hero that wins your heart and changes your path."

I snorted, "Please. Heroes don't exist anymore. That term has been stretched to its limits but the dumbasses that populate our planet."

"So negative." She pouted, I glanced at her before falling onto my back. She joined me a moment later, huffing. "You're not a sociopath."

I paused. "I know. I think I would know if I was one."

"The doctors are just stupid. You feel things. I know you love people." She held up her hand at the ring I got her. A smile was on her pretty little face, it had a weird calming effect. "Proof. I know the truth, you don't have to force yourself to be any other way." I nodded quietly, watching her sincere and innocent face. "And then we'll get married, flip off the world, skip through a field of daises, play hide and seek in some sunflowers, and get a house, or maybe even a farm, far away from everyone."

I could feel myself cracking a smile, really wanting to believe that. "Yea, that sounds like a good life, Smiles." I responded, looking past her at the tall shape with a blank face. Its hand lifted in a commanding way, my head filled with noise and my vision fell to black.

And I would surface later, within the blackness. Feeling all those 'pure emotions' she claimed I have. After I murdered her. She'd come to be fully aware that afternoon of the acts I committed through His influence, and would die feeling every ounce of rage.
But she is back, the same way my parents are. Memories covered up by an illusion, both self made and forced upon me. Billy said she was in Europe, no idea where or why or if that is even true. Hell, of course it is true. That idiot was the most honest kid I've ever known, even if it was blunt or brutal at times.

DeMii gave support on my decisions. She listened today as I explained my mixed feelings on that matter. Part of me feels numb towards the fakes, another part feels upset and selfish, another is somewhat happy and content with getting to see things until this point. DeMii said it was alright to feel all those things, that I should cherish the latter above all because it holds truth. I'm numbing it out until I return home and try and see if they are even aware of their unique existence. It seems highly unlikely, but I'd rather know for sure. I'm going to have to return home for a few days prior to... Yea. So it isn't odd when the 'accident' happens and all. It's going to be strange being in that small house and have it so quiet.

Sigh. Anyways, I might have been hurting a bit today, physically, but it was worth it. I've grown attached to the two girls who have become family. I mean, how could I not? I'm a fucking aunt, people. SHADY, AN AUNT. I mean, come on, who would have expected THAT? Haha. Wow, just wow. It just left me in awe a lot today, watching and playing with Lullaby. Registering fully I'm her aunt, that DeMii is then my sister. And I was like, alright, the shit with my kin is awful but I think I'll manage. I got these two with me against the world.

It's so hard to put into context the affection I've come to feel towards them. Despite any minor differences we've had and will have, nothing will change it. There's a sense of security there knowing this. A stability, it's nice. And again, that's an understatement.

I guess this stability has given me some light on the rare few others that can be counted as such. If you need to ask yourself or me if you are one that just means you obviously aren't, heh. People who will blindly say they are one are obviously not either, heh, heh. You'll just know, it's one of those kinds of feelings. Am I right, Dia?
Been a really nice day. Can't wait to pass out.

I've been sitting here writing this for like, hooooours. I keep getting distracted. Whiskey. Hurrr. I don't drink much, but when I do...
I can't think up something wittty for that anymore. Thought I had something but NOEP!

Beeeeeeed. ZzZzZz

Stay safe LAAAAAADIES and gents,
-Shady that became blitzed Shady


  1. Blitzed Shady. Gosh almighty, I'm happy you have bodyguards and the such. like hinting at things, don't you, love?

  2. Hehehehe. When I feel like having fun, yea. Usually hinting is a WASTE OF TIME. Could just be straight to the fuckin point and all. Fuck ll the games!


  3. Hehe oh sounds like a party.

    This whole little bit about Lullaby is seriously making me want kids... Hehehe I'll bring the wine, Shady, you bring the blankets ;)?

    Hehehehehehe... couldn't resist, babe.

  4. Hardly a party. Like I said before: All my regrets.

    And what would you name said kids, dear? I can only imagine.