Forth visit 7/22/12

Shady was incredibly calm today. She wore a faint smile on her face and didn't say anything for a while. We sat mostly in silence at first before I asked how she was.

"Good. I was able to sleep. How are you?"

"Concerned for you mostly. The Advocate said he was coming for a visit and I'm trying to help keep him away." Her smile only grew. "He already visited, didn't he?"

"I slept very well." I choked a little. "Don't worry, you prude. It's not what you're thinking."

I frowned. "So you two..."

"No shotgun wedding is necessary, though he may enjoy such a thing." Her eyes rolled. "I'm not exactly innocent, you know."

I pointed at her. "Stop. I didn't drive here to talk sex." Her smile turned into a devious grin. "We'll talk about all of that later. He didn't hurt you, did he?"

She traced the cut on her face. "No, none of these are from him. We simply enjoyed one anothers company. He made the screaming quiet down for a night, it was pleasant."

I don't get how a guy that insane could quiet whatever screaming she's hearing in her head. I'm not all that happy he visited her but if it's the reason she's so calm I have to be thankful, if only for the results of the matter. Advocate, you can still go fuck yourself off a cliff.

"The Tall Man has been outside." that got my attention. "Just stands there, doing nothing. It came in here once before and I had awoken to its presence. We watched each other. I don't understand. Some days I think I'm just hallucinating those sightings. Why doesn't it do anything?"

"Maybe because it's already doing something without you realizing it. You're doubting yourself and what you see. What happened to those detective eyes?"

"Maybe they were taken."

I watched as she fell silent and tried to keep her talking. "Are you okay?"

"I don't like not seeing."

"Not seeing what, Shady?"

"The truth."

She became unresponsive after that, a few mumbled words but she mostly sat in silence. I talked to her for a while but it seemed less with her and more at her. Shady lost motivation to care after our talk and I left sometime afterwards.

Third visit

You internet douchebags really have me thinking more than I want to. I went for another visit today.

"I'm sorry."

Shady was sitting on the bed with her wrist chained to the post this morning. They've been trying to keep her on the bed to get her to sleep more. She's bruised and has some cuts, I confronted the nurses on it and they said the other patients got into a fight with her. She didn't look at all bothered by them, indifferent as always. When I asked her about the damage done she just looked at me and said nothing. I don't know why she won't tell me who did it. "Are my readers biting your dick off?" She changed the topic with a slight smile.

"You have no idea." I smiled in return. She just knew as always. I don't know if she was heavily medicated or feeling calmer compared to the other days; I was just glad to see her more like herself. "Are you okay aside from the bruises?"

"No." She rasped. "I sit in here and rot. Just thinking about the previous asylum and everything that came before it. Just..."

I recognized that look on her face. "You weren't you."

"She's dead." She growled.

The nurse abruptly came in, shooting me an weird glare before freeing Shady from her shackle. She left without saying a thing. I was getting the feeling the staff wasn't too happy with her here. I'm going to talk to her current doctor and see what's up. The moment the nurse left Shady sprang to her feet, pacing to the closed door and staring at it a moment.

"Shady..."

"Forgiveness is not an option."

"You plan to hate yourself forever?"

"I am a creature of hate."

"You said before hate isn't a means to an end."

"I thought that once before."

"You'll never find peace that way."

"I am not a creature of peace."

"Do you think she would want this?"

Shady switched into rage and screamed, "Do you think she wanted to be dead? She was everything to me! She was going to be my wife!"

It stumped me for a second before I tried to reason. "You know she doesn't enjoy watching you tear yourself apart."

Her eyes narrowed at me. "You think she's watching over me?"

"Yes."

"How can she when I'm still animating her existence like I did my kin?" I watched her head slowly tilt and her face grow grim. "She's not resting in peace so neither will I."

Shady stood there about a minute before returning to the bed and sitting down. Our conversation died off slowly after that. I sat with her until they asked me to leave and this time she made eye contact with me. A brief moment of her being normal while she can be, I'm taking it as a token.

My sister was able to avenge Billy by killing Lenore but how can she avenge Smiles when she's the murderer? I'm starting to understand things more. She wants to avenge Smiles but she can't, she has obligations now she has to fulfill. She really loved Smiles. No wonder it's so hard for her to accept any form of affection, when she does she doesn't know what to do with it. Billy and I were her brothers. Her relationship with us was always family, brotherly and sisterly protection with one another. Smiles was a whole different level of love and protection.

Lenore Grigor also known as the Road Runner is dead. It doesn't make her feel much better on most days. I get why she snapped mentally and emotionally more now. Physically it was that Mister Creevey freak. When Lenore went she was reminded of Smiles and how incomplete things are. She's helping everyone but herself. I hope she sees she can't continue that way.

Shady knows she's fucked up and has admitted it while I was there; and she knows she needs to finish fixing herself. Her time there will help sort herself out. She wants to leave the asylum so badly, but...

"Don't let me out of here too soon."

"Why?"

"They aren't ready yet."

"Who isn't ready?

"My enemies."

"What aren't they ready for?"

"What I'm going to do to them."

Second visit

Shady has a new psychiatrist but she won't tell me much about him. He hasn't fled or ended up in the hospital so I can only hope she's content with this one.

I tried to talk to her today but she wasn't being responsive.

"Shady, come on... I know you don't want to kill anyone. Tell them and stop being difficult. You don't have to be here."

Her face slackened. "Must not tell lies."

"Shady..."

"Must not tell lies. Must not tell lies." She continued and wouldn't stop.

"You don't want to kill people. Tell them, Shady! Shady!"

She held her head and covered her ears as her voice grew progressively louder until she was screaming, "Must not tell lies!"

The orderlies came for her and held her down, she fought them and the look of betrayal from when she was admitted there returned. Shady almost reached me before they dragged her back to the bed and began strapping her down. I backed out of the room as she screamed, "Hear that, Joshy? Do you fucking hear that? It's the sound of me breaking, you coward!"

I don't know what to do right now; she keeps flipping from unstable to her old self. Part of me thinks she's trying to come back but how can she when she's so broken? I believe in her and I want to believe there is hope for her too. I see her hatred, it's one of the few consistent things with her. It might be what's keeping her around as insanity tries to take over. I don't even think that makes much sense but trying to think like Shady never does. I can only hope she knows what she's doing. I guess that was really always the job of Watson, sit by and support Sherlock no matter what shit he got himself into.

Joshua