I know what it feels like to be watched, to be stalked. I know when someone is staring at me without even seeing them. I know what direction they are usually coming from, I can practically hear them breathing despite the distance. When I look at them I see distress a majority of the time, that's right, caught you. They look away, two seconds tops, before glancing back. Guess what? I'm looking at you now. But you know what? I'm not looking away. Don't catch a predator's attention, learn to be subtle even when stalking with your gaze. Your body language gives away more than you initially think. Go ahead, pretend like it never happened. Go back to talking with your friends, act like I never existed. I'm smiling on the inside, amused by your ignorance. It is fine, I'll let it slide because I'm not a monster anymore. Just an ex.
I like watching people. I like catching them by surprise, purposely shedding from invisibility to catch their attention before just disappearing. People are silly and frustrating all at once. I like making up little stories for them, especially people I will be meeting. Seeing them from across the room waiting to be approached for the inevitable introduction, I'll stand around and spin a tale about who they are. I think it keeps me from getting bored with people up until I've discovered all I need to about them. That is a problem I have, that I have always had. It is something my family doesn't understand not enjoy about me, not unless they need me to use it and give them advice. This problem, or "problem" I should say, is observing. It doesn't sound like much, I know, but it is more than people realize. I used to meet my sibling's "love" interest, handshake, introduction, not five minutes upon meeting them I would have accurately mapped out their persona. Instant dislike on... Oh... 99% of them back then. Dumbasses. Still sounds like not much, right? What about knowing, as a child, the exact ways your relatives would behave/react/transition through an evening grouped together? I used to sit on the sidelines and just watch. It was as if I was watching a game of chess, how they would all move into place. I watched them dance to their own personal rhythem. No one ever saw that smile that curled, it was always gone within a blink of an eye.
Some people are going to say I am not a monster. You are correct, I am not, not anymore. When I was little I was... Unusual. It was a friendly unusual, mostly indifferent. I told you I defended the few things I valued then, that is true. But to people, I mean, I was not a nice person. I think it was out of curiosity, why I seeing people more clearly than how they saw themselves. I didn't trust people, I was paranoid even then, in those young years I didn't know how to cope with it as well. I either swallowed the anxiety or put up a thicker wall. I worked people, lightly at first, just to see their reactions. I liked to think I could see past the flesh and bone and watch their brain fire away, figuring out how to respond. It contributes much to how I enjoy watching others go through the process of creating a story, weaving a tale. Doing online editor work is enjoyable for exploring the depths of others imaginations. I always liked that.
I remember... I remember in third grade, it's vague, but I remember meeting a girl. We disliked one another due to her misunderstanding something I was saying to another that had nothing to do with her. Tch. She got me in trouble because of it, silly thing, got herself in trouble that same day. We both had recess detention, bonded then sort of. I decided she'd become the first experiment. I induldged myself in figuring out her ties within that school, then promptly severed them. I watched the reaction of the children involved and found I was not enjoying it. I did not enjoy the idea of betrayal, and so I repaired the ties that were broken. The two girls became friends, and to my surprise wished my presence to be the third. I distanced, but acknowledged their desires to befriend. It seemed that my effort to befriend the two was pointless, to this ex. experiment I had my own gravity and it drew her in. I did what I could to keep these two as friends but it was ultimately useless. I corrupted a person in the third grade, fully aware of what I was doing. She stuck by my side through-out most of my years, to this day, despite the distance (figuratively) she still comes back.
That is one memory I have been able to keep over these years. Ironic, isn't it, that one of the few childhood memories I have is one of negativity, even if it is only partially.
Since I could I've always played soccer, well, up until a few years ago at least. I always had two positions every year, minus one season. Defender, usually middle, or mid-field. On aggressive days I was in the field, believe it or not but female rec. soccer get rather violent, especially down the line in years. I still have scars. Course', that could just be from the state I live in as well, heh. Anyways, I took the field because of the running, weaving in and out of other players. Moving around constantly while keeping visual of a single black and white speckled object. Breaking through the defenders on aggressive days was fun at every age, I'd like to hang out at the field alone running plays through my head on how to surprise that team next time. Rotating tactics. On calmer days I was a defender, watching for the direction the opponent would be coming from. Looking ahead at where they would go, who they would pass to. I was nicknamed "The Great Wall of China" from the constant blocking, it was amusing. But I never understood why my fellow defenders never tracked the opponents as easily.
I spent a lot of time speed skating as well, despite being too cheap to buy the proper skates. I'd playfully match up to actually team members and challenge them. I lost a few times, other times I was waiting for them to finish. I rejected the invitation to join the team, mostly due to the majority of them treating their team like a clique. I'd spend nights just going around in circles, everything would blur into a whirlwind of colors. I'd have to select specific targets to avoid. Mind you, at this time I was not playing videogames of any sort, that wasn't until later on in my school years. But I did feel like I was in an arcade game at times, with all the bright colors. It was fun, going in circles, useful minor dodging techniques, tuned my balance, helped with endurance and speed. Worked well for soccer. Didn't do as much for basketball minus the endurance. Helped with chasing down neighborhood kids when they needed someone else to play with, though. Footbal, Man Hunt, the latter being a definite favorite.
In all these things I was able to keep track of where to look, what to target. I knew when someone was trying to get my attention the moment they set their eyes upon me. Vibes. It's always been these fucking vibes. I despise going out into public and feeling like my senses are being tugged in every direction. Going invisible works, but it doesn't always help when you're with someone else that acknowledges your presence despite it. During my years I consider myself to be vulnerable within, more-so due to my emotional state, partially my mental as well, despite having my shields raised to the max (as in, immediate family members could not even make contact). It just got worse. Reflecting back on what I remember during that time, as well as what my sibling tells me, I am surprised I wasn't put into a facility. It wasn't the sort of crazy people are used to, the random and erratic behavior. It was, apparently, talking to myself, shutting myself down when with others (I assume to avoid the vibes now), fiddling with my hands, little twitches. I still carry those traits even now, when my brain goes into overdrive mode, when I am pressured or trying to figure out something I need to asap (did I ever mention I despise time limits?). Talk really fast to no one, play with my hands, least the twitching doesn't go on anymore. I don't remember much of it, don't want to. I didn't bother with mind fuckery during that time, except to trick people to just leave me the hell alone.
If there is one thing that still bothers me to this day it is the vibes, knowing when I am being watched. I don't enjoy being watched, which is hypocritical of me but hey, we're all hypocrites. Get over it. Going to tell me your not? Don't bother, I won't believe you, you're just lying to yourself and I won't deal with that. People lie, people say a lot of shit. I bring this up because I feel like I am being watched. Not because of Bad Man Walking, who I mentioned in my previous post. I was running around my house today, testing out some stuff. What is really weird is that first my knife goes missing, now objects are being moved around. I brought down the vaccum cleaner and went over what was visible of my floor briefly. Put the parts away, everything. I came into my room and found a part of the vaccum cleaner I just put away there not even a half out later, just sitting on my bed. The costers on the coffee table I had scrambled up earlier were sitting neatly in a row. I ran over what I did in my head numerous times, nothing matched up. Nothing. This bothers me because despite feeling watched I wasn't feeling it so much today. Yet things were getting moved around when I was the only person home. I sat on my bed and yelled "what the fuck?!" through the house when I realized it. Wanted to smack myself for not noticing this shit earlier.
I'd like to think that I am a smart person, that maybe I just forgot I moved this stuff. Because you know, I apparently forget a lot of shit. Broken body, broken mind. Makes me wonder how the hell I am still useful. Is this last shred of sanity what keep me separate from them within the facilities? Maybe, maybe not. Recovering monster who doesn't even know most of the wretched things she did anymore, sounds like some cheesy story, heh.
Honestly, when I'm not helping everyone I'm watching my own reflection. Waiting for the mirror to just crack or the image I am seeing to do something opposite of myself. I can understand being paranoid about the world, other people... But how bad is the paranoia when you're worried about your own self? When your mind starts working against you. I think it's the stress, the lack of sleep. Something of that source. My mind is over worked, probably, after a few recent discoveries. Probably just raising my stress level trying to sort and organize the stuff in my own head.
Which just makes this post another ramble.
Way over-due information will be posted shortly. My archive day got screwed over, big surprise. Not much news from Mr. Sunshine, it's odd. I am wondering if Bad Man Walking scared him off. I guess we'll see once that douche is taken care of. I haven't see anyone new, so this feeling of being watched currently has no explanation other than paranoia. Yet there isn't much to be paranoid of in my own territory, per-say. I do not like this. Whatever it is I wish it would just confront me already or just go away, it's tiresome.
I keep seeing certain people, same faces from previous blog mentionings. I never see it personally in my dream, but in the observer mode I do see Him etched into the background during certain parts. Never doing anything. Looks like wallpaper at times just standing there. Just standing... There.
I'm buying a new knife in the meantime, untill the other one is given back. Because it's not lost. I'm not that careless.
I don't care about the mistakes in this blog. I'm honestly just too tired (not just literally) to give a fuck about correcting them right now.
I'm just going to go, I feel like I'm just wasting my breath continuing this.
Stay safe, be strong, we're here,
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
This is just, I don't even know. My page last night/this morning became a warzone, it seems. If any of you have been subbed or contacted by Bad Man Walking (his username in reverse, keep an eye out on that) know this: He's a virus. No, not a computer virus, but he acts in the same manner. I had time to think on this this morning while I was lying in bed, after staying up to see if another was to reply for I was concerned as per-usual. I went over the possibilities of who this could be. The focus on "who" soon became more of "what". What I mean by this is the purpose of this figure. By the way he posted to others, especially Victor; it would seem that he was trying to clean up the remaining resistance. This concerns me, while I am working with MysteryCultist to help others build a stronger resistance against Him, this man is now out to try and eliminate us. It seems like he doesn't care to kill followers, he's going to those organizing this resistance.
At first he spoke of my death, and what he would do to the things I value in life. He turned the tides then to converting me. I would not have it. This conversation was between two enemies. I tried to reason with myself that there was a possibility he was just brainwashed, but no. He's a sadist. Said so himself he was on the verge on committing crimes before he found Him. I've come to the conclusion that freeing him and giving him his own choice would only result in him going back or becoming a murderer, and currently while under His thumb he's already the latter. He wants to harm others whether he is a proxy or not. This lust for destruction will never cease, even if freed.
I am sorry.
I am so sorry.
He will die.
I've gone back to thinking over who this is. I ran through my head possibilities of people I am associated with in the flesh, rather than online here. Joshua, I regret ever suspecting you. Your heart is like hers... Beating for others, innocent. My paranoia blinded me from the one person who has, despite the distance, stood by me. I am sorry, Joshua. I should have never considered you, I never should have. Especially after everything. You're not like them, you're so innocent, you're like her. The one person who I've ever found beauty to harbor in. Suspecting you has not only insulted you but her as well. I see my mistake and hope you can forgive me for doing such to you. And where ever she may be, I hope she can forgive me as well. Especially for what is to come.
I began working on figuring out who else it could be and have come to the conclusion that it is either someone on here, who has been around long enough to figure out my blogs, what I do. Or, it is the only person in the flesh I still see more than a few times a year. The same fellow that I threw off my property. His ignorance and profile would fit better than anyone else I know. He's the only suspect I have that I know personally. As for online people it could be numerous, I'm not exactly a favorite person. So if it is someone online it will have to be someone who has been watching from another account or someone who has be dosed with information.
This one is ignorant, but he is hostile. That blend will both hinder him and make him a destructive force. He won't know when to quit. My advice: Steer clear until he's dealt with.
By now you guys know I do not like being defended by others, mostly because I can't remember last (prior to just recently) when I was ever defended by anyone. I do not know how to cope with it as of yet, still working on it. It worries me to have others defend me because it just means they will be pulled into the ordeal which is something I would never wish upon anyone else. And to those already a part of it that just makes you have another enemy, which again, is not something I want. You all are too good to this one here. I've never felt like I deserved any kindness from anyone, despite my desire to help others I never felt kindness in return was any sort of reward. If anything, it was giving when respect was established. To see you defending me was a slap to the face, unexpected.
I've spent a long time feeling useless, living by others expectations, alone. I was not expecting to come here into this struggle and find others who would do such for me. I cannot express my appreciation. I am trying, though. Trying to learn how. I am so mixed up, some emotions of caring are there, some are not, so many human emotions flow within us all it's so complicated. I'd rather be this than hollow, though, I believe. You all granting me the chance to be a better person is giving me all the more motivation. I thank you for your kindness, your protection, all the positives and negatives you have given me.
But I will not use you all as a shield. I've spent my time empty, it is something I can go ahead and fall back into without suffering as I once did. I would never wish that upon any of you. No matter the side you are on. I do not live to serve you, I will not obey you, but I will treat you as my equals. I will kneel in front of you and face the direction of danger not because I am lesser than you, but because I have chosen to be the shield that protects those that have come to see me as someone of value. The same ones that taught me I have value.
Through these people I have learned that humanity is both flawed but has hope. Despite all our faults, despite our history, there is that aspect to prosper. Especially since we are still such a young species in this universe. For us to aspire and as a whole separate from this cycle we've been repeating within history. I always had my own independent thoughts, but you are the ones who have given me the access and means to act instead of watch. We've been trapped within history for so long that now it has become trapped within us. How can we be better than those that came before us if we do not change, if we do not evolve?
In these years I've come to see the meaning of what she once said. The girl who implanted the seed of life back into this empty shell before she disappeared. She told me hope was not wasted on the hopeless, for without it we would not be here today. The greatest of ideas were shared with the world because hope led those people to believe they could accomplish their dreams. I used to merely smirk at her and her untainted mind. I was foolish. I did not see that I was not corrupting her but she was taking away the corruption within me. Joshua, you and I have no idea where she is in this vast world, or if she even remains here now. You knew what she was doing to me all along, didn't you? The tar around my heart was cleaned away by her purity back then, it took a while for the blackness to melt away, and by then she was already long gone. A fault I still blame to be my own. You'll probably not read this for a while, Joshua, but I am sorry for every mistake I have ever made against you, against her. I do what I do now because of my roots, where I now realize started with you and her. It was never easy, it was never meant to be easy, the three of us suffered losses. The two of us still do now that she is gone. But I still hold hope, the gift she had given me. I will never amount to being good, to being white, but I'm farther from being black. The gray I've settled into suits me just fine and is better than I could have ever dreamed to be.
I'm writing this for my fellows, my enemies, for you and for her. My years I've spent alone from the distance between us all as time went on. I transitioned into a person I detested for such a long time... I am no longer that person. I do not want you to be proud, any words of acceptance. I tell you, my reader, this because despite all the flaws I share with my fellow species I continue to adapt, push forward and use what I have learned, experienced, to become something more. Who I was will never be a shadow of my former self, but a piece of me to be accepted. It will harbor my flaws, for I still have many, and while I am working to fix some of them the ones that I cannot I still wouldn't change for the world.
We have to set an example for the generations to come.
I know the fucked up history we have. I won't make excuses; I won't try and make things better about the past because they can't be. The past is the past, dead and buried. The only thing that can be done is to fix the future from even facing the same issues. I know the darker nature of humanity, I'm not going to pretend I am someone noble and good. I'm nothing of the sort. I have explored the darker nature for many years; she taught me the lighter side of things. I am not black nor am I white, I am gray. I've lived in gray all my life, and I will always remain there. We have made mistakes, as individuals, as a whole. We need change, but we aren't going to get it by fighting to murder one another. We have more to offer by working together than separately, for sure we will crumble into dust.
This is a time where we must find our values, what we want to protect. If you have loved ones they are your values. If you love hurting people those are your values. It doesn't matter what it is, for it is something you care for, that you want to have a future with. Don't let anyone else influence your values, taint your mind, your heart. Do not let their judgment guide you. If you cannot figure out your own values then look to someone you value(d), hear within yourself what it is they would fight for. If you have nothing left to fight for personally then fight for what the people you respect fight for. You aren't alone, there are millions of people upon our planet. If you have not found someone to respect within this struggle you'll find someone out there. Those that have lost loved ones you can still fight for them, use everything they had ever given you to stop Him. Value their memory, who they were, what they believed in.
Stop fucking turning upon the people who have just as much to lose, who have just as much to gain from stopping Him. They have suffered losses; they are facing their own trials. You judge them for the difference in your pains? Pain is the same, physical pain hurts, psychological pain hurts, emotional pain hurts. Rather than discriminating and debating who has lost the most you should be gathering together what is left of yourselves to stand as a force that not even He could have expected to see.
This isn't a time to pity one another. This is a time to find an understanding. The true pity here is the fact we all are divided, refusing to unify. The true pity is seeing everything we offer one another as just us pitying each other instead of it being affection, love, and caring. I don't pity any of you, I respect you. I respect you to fight and I respect you enough to try and give others their own free choices.
If we are meaningless to Him why are we treating one another as the same thing? Why would we allow ourselves to be meaningless rather than show Him otherwise? Why succumb to what He sees us as? Like we are stuck repeating our history, He is influencing upon His army and us to be caught within a cycle of His ideals. To all those that follow Him, is that what you want? Those that fight Him, hate Him, want Him dead even as they obey, is seeing what He sees, life being meaningless, what you want to believe? You hate Him and yet you share His traits rather than rejecting them. It's not because He's infected you. I won't fucking believe it, so shut the fuck up. You are all better than that thing.
Anyone who is working as a monster to defeat another one is in the same boat. What happens when the one monster is dead and you're left standing, how do you reflect upon yourself what you have become? How do you look back to those, dead or alive, that you have done this for and expect them to look at you the same way. They may accept you still, love you still, but they won't be blind to you having walked the shadows. You don't become the monster to defeat the monster. You learn from the monster, you take in everything it offers and adapt to it. But you do not, do fucking not become it. Because at the end of the day, when all is said and done, you're just as much to blame then as Him. All your hatred towards Him loses its value because you're just a copy of His image. Fighting not to become like Him is what matters, taking everything he has ever given you and humiliating Him with it by becoming something better, stronger, even if it is just in willpower it will be something.
We should not be turning upon one another like our previous generations have. We should be better than them. We should be doing what He believes we will not. Unify, adapt, evolve, become a force as one. With all our losses, with our experiences, and fight for a future without Him. We are the children that must make the future different in this war. Working divided will get us nowhere. You all may be determined to crash and burn, but I'm not. If you think this post has meaning but are thinking next on how your peers will view it I say this: Fuck them. Fuck the world if they can't understand. You do. You understand the importance, so do something about it. You're doing them a favor by standing up and unifying.
I will wait, here on the knee that I have taken to protect the values I believe in. I will wait for others to form the line with me. Those that stand for their beliefs stand with us, will rise with us. He has caused enough suffering. Come together and we can show that humanity can in fact be saved. He doesn't care about us, our lives, we should care though. Those that hate Him should care. The world we live in is begging to us to tear down the walls separating one another. To stop our own suffering, unify our losses, our gains, and give to Him a present filled with our rage, hatred, and agony. Give Him a dose of our ideals, what we fight for.
You all act like it is such a difficult task when really it is not. It's not complicated; you're just making it that way because you know no other way. Let me help, let us help. We've been waiting for you, arms outstretched, hands waiting for yours. The purpose you serve is greater than what He believes. We're fighting for the dead, for this generation, and for the future be it ours or others.
No pity for one another. Pity only Him and what we are going to do as a force united against him. We will tear apart His foundation on reality and see how He enjoys suffering and death. Let's see how He enjoys disappearing.
Find what is important to you and defend it, whether it is gone or not. I am defending her, him, them, you; I am defending the me I cannot remember despite searching for answers. Is there anyone else out there determined not to give up on themselves, on others?
You know... I feel like people are going to view this as some self-righteous, pompous shit. In truth, I feel like an asshole having to type this, as if I am lecturing you. Typing this I hope encourages you to take action or makes you at least consider some things so that you can choose for yourselves what to do. I don't want to be like Him and influence you; I want you to choose for yourselves. Freely. With untainted minds. We aren't fighting to survive; we are fighting to ensure our future. To avenge the fallen.
Maybe if we can stop working against one another we can become something more. I am not going to give up on anyone. What will this world become if we all just stopped giving a damn? I am going to care about our future, give a damn about you because you obviously have lost caring about yourselves and your values. Until you realize some things are worth more than others I am going to keep pushing. Someone has to care about you.
There is a large storm brewing and bound to hit hard. Last night was bad, the entire house shook. Lightning lit my room up. It was crazy how powerful it was. The skies look clear of storms at the moment but that may change later on. I may get knocked offline, not sure yet. This is still standing for tomorrow too. The red blotch on the news channel was not comforting with its massive size.
Thanks for reading. I don't know what else I can really say.
Stay safe, you are cared for.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Ahhh... I can't believe I stayed up to like, four in the morning on Easter night. Ahhh... What was I thinking?! Already tired out from my young cousins, why do I do this to myself? Can't I just stalk information during normal hours?
<--- Insert face into keyboard here, please.
Anyways... Hi, hello. How was your Easter, my dears? Yes, yes, that is splendid. Mine was rather eventful. Watched my two cousins start a food fight out back, was amusing, practiced baseball-- or sorry, softball, with them as well. Was interrupted most of the time by a new proxy, how rude. I feel like I'm going to regret hooking my phone up to it so I can keep up to date on everything, this just means the ignorant and enemies can be in 24/7 contact. I get that I go to bed at six in the morning at the latest, if I have to wake up at seven in the morning due to my phone announcing I have a new email I'll be pissed. I would turn my phone on silent, but due to some people who may have emergencies I cannot.
Pause on the Easter talk, something else must be explained first:
Interesting bit going on here. So it's been raining a lot here. April showers, that little saying doesn't lie. All month it has been soaking wet. Storm every week. Two this week. It looked like a third tonight. I don't know, though, we'll have to see. The point of this is because a few fellows seem to believe the storms are connected. At first I suspected weather related, which soon began to branch of to metaphorically storms. Which makes sense considering certain things. But the references to weather related occurrences within storms themselves are making me think back to the weather. Also, pardon my lack of making sense. My mind is in ramble mode, the information is scattered upon this topic and there-fore my writing will not be as organized. It will probably take a bit to sort it out, by bit I mean days due to this subject (with them) being so limited on information in the exact point I am trying to make. Had to say that real quick because I already feel like this post is going to be shit with my current state of mind. In any case, back to the second point (first being about Easter, but that's on pause) I was trying to make... It is seemed to be believed that something will occur when storms appear, lightning and the works. A Twitter post made me believe further so on this. So now I am curious as to the connections that are formed here.
I thought then maybe it is due to the amount of energy formed during a storm, more specifically, a thunderstorm. It's difficult to place this into context when my head is filled with illustrations (visual mind) on how it could work. I'm trying, grabbed my head so many times today trying to sort the information out my hair is now more of a mess than it usually is. Puff levels have been raised to the extreme (I'll give you a cupcake if you get where that is from).
Frick. Frick. Frickity frick.
Ok. Let me put this bluntly. If the theory on Slender Man being linked to the storm demon (whose name I can't remember how to spell worth shit at the moment) is valid, than the storms themselves might have more purpose than meets the eye. Rather than just the basic destruction we get, that it. Thunderstorms specifically build up a lot of energy, ok, not just a lot. Insane amounts of energy. I haven't studied weather since social studies and science class during middle school, bear with me here. Lightning specifically creates bursts of energy within the already formed mass. These bursts pretty much just expand in general. You could find pictures just by looking it up on the internet on how big the bursts can be. The Gamma Rays and Particle Beams are impressive to look at during lightning strikes. In any case, this brought on a few ideas which my brain started creating a web of connections for.
I've gone through a lot of fictional stories, from science fiction to fantasy, I've crossed through so many categories over the years. My brain has pulled out all the uses related to those things, picked them apart, and kept the ones that seemed to be of use. We have, for instance, purposes of travel via lightning. Considering the burst of energy the lightning could be a form of transportation, the burst combined with the already gathered energy from the cloud could provide enough for dimensional travel. At first I did not like this idea for the amount of energy necessary to pry open a rift or portal was extraordinary by the theory's standards. But if we start collaborating by pulling together others experiences, others own information and theories we start to see it as a possibility. An ex. proxy has stated that he used to use dimensional travels much like Slender Man did.
We also have Time Dilation where time within the storm could differ from those outside of the storm. This could also explain some time differences others experience, and be a way as to how people disappear for periods of time. For a very blunt explanation I went to Wikipedia and pulled this quote (which I love as an example): "I see your clock ticking slower than mine. Therefore, you'll see my clock ticking faster than yours". Get it? Got it? Good.
Containment, a method that could work with the prior as well. The storm could act as its own prison to whatever is within. Whether the one containing the object(s) is from within or on the outside.
Did I say energy? Why yes... Yes I did. This will tie in, just give me a second. Slender Man makes proxies, yes? They come in ranks. We see they have altered states, and with them come their own few talents. He puts into them something either of himself or his gathered energy. It works like a savings account, you make the investment and get monthly interest. He gives to them and they return with interest. We have the buildup of energy already, whether it is used for transportation or not would currently be uncertain for this theory. There are the factors of energy, (static) electricity, and magnetic forces at work during a storm to consider. We currently are seeing a lot of mentions referring to the Wilde Jagd, which is German for Wild Hunt. By pictures alone we see symbolism to this army of sorts acting as a storm, bearing down upon its prey below. If you haven't guessed the Wild Hunt is just that, a hunt (or chase). With a few mentioning to "watch for the storm" this theory may fit more closely, the others being branches perhaps of what this storm is capable of. It is unknown whether or not all proxies are given the chance to join this hunt, this storm. So far it sounds like a selective group is, which makes me think more along the lines of an Elite group. One that is released during the storm, what this group does is still uncertain. Death could factor in highly. My friend Mystery posted just recently (Post #14 as well; I suggest you read it for a better image) that when a life is unnaturally ended it releases a sudden burst of energy. He also goes on to state that higher spiritual entities can harvest that energy. So what occurs when "sacrifices" or unnatural deaths occur during a storm, built up of energy already, and where minions murder for the energy to give as interest to their master? How that transfer occurs is uncertain as well. It could be the minions take it themselves and have it removed, as if they were just a vessel for the energy temporarily. Or the storm created takes it. Perhaps He automatically gets it. It is unknown, suggestions are welcomed.
Slender Man is currently a walking source of energy. He's been gaining and building upon it for years, finding new ways to inherit more and more. That alone is harmful to humans to be near. This leads to Electromagnetic Radiation topic, boys and girls. What are some of the first signs we see in the new victims? Illness? Behavioral changes? Sleeping problems? Bodily functions gone to shit? Perhaps your skinny friend over there is not telling you something. All that energy doesn't just stay absorbed, it is seeping out. He's not like us, dears. If he consists of mass amounts of energy there is no doubt he could be infecting his prey. I dislike imagining that we are all being exposed to harmful radiation, but the possibility is there and threatening.
Energy is one of the main factors here.
Play: Back to Easter. At grandparents, huge storm from nowhere. Cue the lightning. Cue the thunder. Cue the down pour. Cue me shitting a brick after having been told to watch for the storm. Not cool, gents, not cool. My family thought me to have gone back to crazytown when I kept doing rounds around the house. I went outside to pack up the cars, went with others when they left to make sure all was alright on their way out. You guys are jerks. I just want to make that clear. Making me all paranoid, and huffy. Shame on you, dears, shame on you. I stayed up that night just listening, and talking to another. Went to bed with my scissors beneath my pillow (because my knife is STILL missing, you asshole!). Went into a deep sleep, woke up with my hair every which way. Big surprise. I don't think anything happened, unless I was just stared at during my sleep I think I was pretty much alright. Second storm I have survived without incident. Great. Now I'm going to be counting how many I live through. Like I said, my dear, dear Operators, you are not very nice to make me go to those lengths.
I've been hammering away at this blog for hours and it's still short as hell. Stupid research. Stupid brain is stupid. I'm just going to end it here. I'd like to give credit to Mystery for helping me organize the ideas, and/or bouncing them off him. Also would like to thank an outside source to this, Terminus, who helped with the Electromagnetic Radiation idea and its effects, and listened to my huffing while organizing this all.
So much for no names, eh?
Alright darlings, it's bordering 6:00 A.M. and I must scurry. I don't care how unprofessional it is of me but I am not editing this thing. Too tired. I don't want to even look at it anymore. GOODNIGHT.
Smartssery Expert out,
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Heh, how fitting that this post would be about Him. About Them.
This was a loud morning due to some changes going on in the house. I went to be at 6:00 A.M. due to some... Distractions. In either way, I spent most of my morning laying around and sleep for fifteen minute periods before being woken up again. It was tiresome, but I noticed an occurrence that continued. The dreams I had were not split but a continuation of one another. While pieces were put out of order when I rearranged them after the last I found they told their own little tale. It's difficult to say at the moment what it is but I have something to go on.
It was night time, not your usual pitch black, however. The sky was illuminated behind the cloud by moonlight, but not one ray dared to show through. I was watching from my window at the sky, the house was turned awkwardly in the dream so that my room was facing the back of the property rather than the front. The blinds were up, the screen removed and next to me against the old fashion radiator. It was just the glass separating me from the cries of the wind, from becoming soaked by the rain. Nothing looked out of the ordinary aside from the setting itself, I was looking as I usually did, standing as I usually did with my arms crossed beneath my chest. The same indifferent expression I have come to know my face to wear. My hair was a bit messy, I'll assume it was due to being in bed before. I couldn't see the time but I will assume it was late for the house was at a certain point of silence. It was peaceful, I felt on edge but the setting kept me relaxed.
The wind howled, shrieking against the glass as if something was clawing to get in. I was not fazed, nature was lovely even when it acted out. My eyes skimmed the tree-line before looking back up to the sky. It was astonishing how vivid everything was within the still of night. But beauty isn't a concept I ever searched for, nor took time to focus upon learning. The things that could be considered beautiful to me are minor, if they even exist. I knew this as I stood there, as I watched the trees leaned to the left, creaking loudly. I felt as if I was searching for it, though. As if I couldn't sleep until I found it. Beauty is something humanity needs to hold close to them, as if their life depended on seeing something so stunning. As I watched through the window, looking at the sky I thought over the popular things people fawn over. Diamonds, aside from their process of being created I held no interest in them. Gold, a color that never struck me unless using it with purpose in my projects. People, I cannot see beauty in them, I see whether or not they can fascinate me. Nature, it was interesting, glorious, I used to search for hours trying to find something that captivated me. Alas, it only ever border lined it. Like my previous post, beauty seemed to be an emotion that fell from my person. I can't help but think I was looking out of that window for so long because I felt that not seeing something as beautiful was just a fatal flaw, that if I corrected it I wouldn't be as different as I was from them.
But what defines beauty? Is it like good and evil, a battle of perspectives? If that is so would my adoration for the process of how the mind works fit? The manner of which ideas dance, thoughts flow, the steps the brain takes when using its imagination, or even the process it goes through under the influence of emotions, even manipulation. Is my interest in your minds considered beautiful? What of if I like your mind, does that mean I find it beautiful, just as if I don't like it I find it repulsive?
I did not know when looking out that window. All these thoughts echoin around me, my subconscious seeping itself the dream and spewing on-going rambling. It was tiresome, listening as my brain even worked while I slept. I was still unfazed, even gave a little sigh of annoyance at the on-going mental chatter. But slowly it faded as the skies brightened by a fraction behind the clouds. A chill ran down my spine, and yet the temperature did not change in the slightest. This is the part when the bad vibes come in, rather than assuring myself all was well I focused on finding the source. I've dreamed enough to know when things were going on in my own head. I looked down from the sky and followed the tree-line until my eyes landed on a figure straight ahead. It was not Mr. Sunshine, it was Him. He stood there motionlessly directly ahead, right at the beginning of the woods. I wiped away the fog that was beginning to build upon the window again, watching him more clearly now through the hard rain. It looked like the woods behind him were growing darker, as if the light from the sky was shutting off back there. All the noise that was not due to the weather fell silent. He wasn't going away, he wasn't disappearing, I wasn't walking away back to bed.
Seconds turned to minutes and nothing changed. Nothing but me. I uncrossed my arms and pulled up the window before jumping out and making an approach. My brain was going off the fritz, my heart racing, hands shaking, the wind began to sound like whispers.
Who the fuck do you think you are?!
I ended up before him all the same, the height difference massive. I was forced to look up at the nothingness that was his face, it was almost like looking at the moon, and had it not been so serious of a time I may have cracked a laugh. Instead I could only watch as the blackness from behind him spread around in a full 360 degrees, engulfing my surroundings so that nothing was left for me to see. The black of his suit seemed to just melt into the spiraling darkness, yet the white of it and his faceless face remained.
The voice came louder, from everywhere.
Or perhaps someone.
You don't want to be anyone.
Being someone is equally punishing to one that wishes to be invisible.
Each word throbbed within my skull, it felt as if someone turned up the bass and it was vibrating through my form. I grabbed my head in one hand, as if that would really help. Useless.
Scream it out!
Everything hurt, everything ached, everything was just blackness. A void that was all my own because of him. The whispers burned into my skull, repeating again and again even now that I am awake. But here, in this dream, they just giggled, taunting me in their anything but innocent voice. The pain only increased, my insides felt as if they were on fire. Like no amount of water could ever put them out.
Scream it out!
The same voice called, demanding it more this time than taunting it. I bit down on my own tongue to try and distract myself from this new sensation of my skin being shredded upon my back.
Scream it out!
It screamed, but I didn't. I slammed my foot against the ground hard and looked up, laughing hysterically instead. As if their demand was something so funny. Around me the voice roared, a high pitch shriek, and through the blackness came a figure I recognize as none other than my own reflection. The fury in her face--my face? Her face faded, a smile of displeasure taking form instead. I could feel the hate radiating off her person and wondered briefly just how the hell someone could become so confused by that single emotion.
Her eyes were on fire, the hues constantly shifting. And then she just came at me, without warning, my head was thrown in one direction. I dropped my arm from my head and looked at her surprised, my own self attacking me. She came again and clumsily I dodged, my mind wrapping around the situation before saying "Fuck it, survive!". Everything around us seemed to just become meaningless, we tore into one another. She could try and strangle me all she liked, but I knew where my flaws were in my present body. Instead of trying to grab her I did what I spent my early years doing in sports. I dropped kicked her in the shoulder, I failed a tackle but scored on a left hook. The pain shot through my shoulder, even in the dream my arm was still screwed up as all hell. I could feel and hear as it loudly cracked, as it twisted, as it hurt like fucking hell. She didn't care, she took every chance she could to get to that arm, and after beating the ever loving crap out of one another she succeeded. Proxy shit was able to get my feet of the ground and chuck me against a tree.
Human limitations say that being chucked into a tree by one of His is not an experience you can hop back up from. The ground was mushy, hard to get up from. The rain was matting down my hair in my eyes, annoying as hell. I pulled myself up painfully and looked up to see her coming at me with one of the knives from my kitchen. I rolled forward as the knife stabbed the ground effortlessly, her hunched state was an opening, I kicked her in the skull with all that I could muster from the angle I was at. She left the knife, mistake number two, the first being her trying to tell me what to do. I grabbed the blade and stood, aching and bleeding, and she pulled herself up as well. She just kept coming and coming, despite the knife digging into her body. But she was me, she fought the way I did--If not a bit more aggressively. Mistake number three was trying to trip me and get around behind me. Wrong footing, bitch. Your could of been advantage is now your disadvantage. I've got the firm ground here, and the moment I slide I my foot you're done for.
Silly little fake.
I slid my foot dragging hers awkwardly with it and knocked her center off, she was at my side and with a matter of just seconds in front of me. Stumbling right in my line of fire. I grabbed her by the messy locks of hair and used the knife to decapitate my impersonator.
I felt so angry in the dream. The idea of being replaced, or being anything but who I am was enough to boil my blood. I did not know if this was just some twisted dream or a message relating to the proxy whose head was dangling from my grasp. I did not care. Scream? I'll roar. Cry? I'll laugh. Get me on my knees? Ha, fat chance. I would never be tamed, my freedom is my own. I like being wild, I like being without a prison. My wings will forever remain spread wide without being hindered by a small cage. Their biggest mistake is trying to tame me.
Maybe he'll get it now after I stood before Him at the end of the dream and raised that fake's decapitated head and dangled it in his faceless face. Or as close as I could get to it. I stood my tallest and smiled up at his expressionless self. I beat his little bitch and guess what? I won't be filling her spot either.
Fear? Of course it is there, but I refuse to let it consume me. To become blinded, become vulnerable to Him. Being in control of myself is one thing, being tamed by another is different. The latter will be fought against all the way.
Let the rain come. Let the storm rage. Beneath I'll be there, waiting, ready.
Mr. Sunshine, if you were watching or are reading this now, consider this a warning. My body may be flawed, weaker than what it was, but lucid dreaming is just as real. I can give you a dozen ways of how I can end you, both quick and prolonged deaths. If you wish to continue go ahead, I know how puppets work. I know how they dance. Let's see if they can sing.
Dreams are funny little things, are they not? The things they can teach up, the messages our subconscious tries to give us, what intruders try to tell us. I woke up this morning exhausted, as if I had actually spent my entire time fighting her. The first thing I did was look myself over, relief flooded seeing no gashes, scratches, that blood wasn't smeared and oozing. But the scent, the taste of metal still lingered within my senses. Everything hurt for a while, I just laid in bed staring into space until I felt well enough to get up. I've been in a few fights over the years, with both genders, for various reasons. I am awake now, acknowledging the change that has already begun to take place. I can see the difficulties that are to come, the choices that will need to be made will be ones I won't wish to call. But I learned long ago life is not fair, if you want to try and make it so you're in for a lot of work. That's fine, though, right guys? Isn't that what we're doing, providing a fair choice to those He has taken?
I've been crouching over this keyboard to try and give you guys some insight. Keep this little diary here. A little place to rant, a little place to tell you all the dangers. Dangers that have already burrowed into my life. Will they burrow into yours?
What troubles me is the curious ones. Do not get me wrong, I am insanely curious naturally, when this came along you could imagine how I reacted. But I'm seeing plenty running in blind. I understand they are not like me, and I am not like them. I remained invisible for much of the time. These ones here rush in without information, they see the threats and disregard thinking of their own state of being or how it will alter the lives that surround them. Selfish reasons, human curiosity, envy, desire. Seeking out "Why?" is nothing to be scolded over. But that isn't what you're doing when you run in blind, unprepared, with your mind focused on one thing and one thing alone. If I had to ask anything out of those interested in this all revolving around Him, it would be that they stand on the sidelines and learn what everyone else has spent their time learning. So that we, and their own families and friends, do not have to spend valuable time trying to free those taken.
This struggle has so much to do with the mind. Your brain. Why aren't you using it more, dears? Focus. Learn. Adapt. Protect yourselves, be prepared. I cannot stress enough how important it is to take the time to read, not just watch these videos. Read the information. Don't choose out of desire, out of what you think is "cool". Do you know what a friend of mine said to me? He said I would make an awesome proxy. I asked him why, and he told me why. He listed the reasons to me, to my face. My own friend said my interests in the darker nature of humanity, in torture, my knowledge on how to harm and/or kill others would only be a bonus if I switched sides. Do you know what I did to him? I told him he was ignorant and to get off my property. It is people like that, who know so little about these events yet claim to know where they would be that trouble me.
You might have read a previous post about helping us help you. This is another way.
I can't predict what the future holds. I see a lot of options that can possibly happen. I can see a lot of ways to prepare as well. I used to spend my days sketching battle plans and ways to over throw empires. Battleship? Please. I don't know which path leads to the future, but I see plenty of potentials. I am preparing for all of them as I am working with others to help prepare all of you.
I know I am not crazy. A bit unstable, sure. After my fun years and lack of memories I think we can all agree I'm not the most stable person walking this planet. But I'm not wrong when I say you all need to prepare. You can rely on us to help you find ways to stand, but when we let you go you have to be able to hold yourselves up. We will continue helping everyone, but there are chances something could go wrong on one of our ends. I worry over that. Despite pushing forward I also worry over my own condition. Mentally all is well, I can't say this body of mine is as useful as it once was. I'll be pushing myself to change that, even if the pain doesn't go away I can still press forward through it rather than let it stop me mid-way.
--Fucking cracking shoulder from bloody fricking hell.
In any case we're here to help those that rushed in and made choices that they regret. It is taking out time, but it is time we are will to give. Everyone deserves to have the ability to choose freely for themselves. If they want freedom will help them achieve it. If they wish to return to Him we will be disappointed. However, it is their choice. We actually offer choices and do not stalk you until you give in or kill you for rejecting us.
Look, the point of me telling you my dream from this morning was for this reason: You can fight back. I wouldn't go as far to say "Kill it! KILL IT WITH FIRE!" as being your only option. With a proxy that is a part of you taking control over it is really the best option. It's still you, just a piece of you that's become corrupted and slowly forming its own identity... Sort of. I honestly believe that dream was a trick, I've been thinking about it all day which is why I am posting this so late. The fact of the matter is, if there was a proxy made out of my own persona it would be known by now. I merely have Mr. Sunshine. This trick could of been a message about the future, a threat, of just mind fuckery. Either way, it was a lucid dream. She was an illusion, but even as such I made my point. I didn't enjoy beating the shit out of a look-a-like, nor did I appreciate getting the shit beat out of me by a look-a-like. Nothing can be done now, though.
And as for the fight itself, it was weird fighting myself. I suppose it was good practice, eh? Eh? No, probably not. But the combat I've studied was useful at least, even if I was on the receiving end. The one thing she lacked was tactics, the only intelligence I saw was going for one of my disadvantages. But that would be giving too much credit, even, since animals know how to target the weak points of their prey. In any case I can do some illustrations of it, maybe teach you guys some physical defenses. Not necessarily how to saw through bone... But anything is useful when a proxy is tryin to maul you. With MysteryCultist helping to teach mental defenses, I suppose learning some physical ones could be helpful too. But, to everyone, I recommend taking notes in the blogs and our (MysteryCultist and myself) conversations about mental defenses. It's the strongest weapon you have in this struggle. Physical defenses only works on the proxies for so long.
Either way, you have the ability to fight back, to resist. Dream or not. If you like your freedom, if you enjoy being in your own control and untamed, than I would think you would fight back. We will be there to help you.
Also, you guys know by now I'm a night owl. If we're talking and I poof just check my activity bar. I usually leave a farewell for the night message there. Be it a quote or something, the fact that it is fresh there means I posted it before logging out for the night.
For now I'm going to finish replies while lying upside down here. I don't know how my dog does it. It's rather ridiculous. I'm laying here with my legs propped up against the wall, my head for the most part off the bed, and the laptop on my mid-section. Kind of getting dizzy watching Adult Swim like this. My little German wacko, you must not have any brain to dangle yourself like this while you sleep. <3
Oh... Wow, and Happy Easter or whatever.
You'll never find where I hid the eggs. No, really, go ahead and guess. Try and find them. >:D
I'll be around if you need me, allies, enemies, undecided. Just contact my account on Youtube, not all that hard to find, haha.
Till next time, my dears.