Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Fifteenth Post.

This is just, I don't even know. My page last night/this morning became a warzone, it seems. If any of you have been subbed or contacted by Bad Man Walking (his username in reverse, keep an eye out on that) know this: He's a virus. No, not a computer virus, but he acts in the same manner. I had time to think on this this morning while I was lying in bed, after staying up to see if another was to reply for I was concerned as per-usual. I went over the possibilities of who this could be. The focus on "who" soon became more of "what". What I mean by this is the purpose of this figure. By the way he posted to others, especially Victor; it would seem that he was trying to clean up the remaining resistance. This concerns me, while I am working with MysteryCultist to help others build a stronger resistance against Him, this man is now out to try and eliminate us. It seems like he doesn't care to kill followers, he's going to those organizing this resistance.

At first he spoke of my death, and what he would do to the things I value in life. He turned the tides then to converting me. I would not have it. This conversation was between two enemies. I tried to reason with myself that there was a possibility he was just brainwashed, but no. He's a sadist. Said so himself he was on the verge on committing crimes before he found Him. I've come to the conclusion that freeing him and giving him his own choice would only result in him going back or becoming a murderer, and currently while under His thumb he's already the latter. He wants to harm others whether he is a proxy or not. This lust for destruction will never cease, even if freed.

I am sorry.

I am so sorry.

He will die.

I've gone back to thinking over who this is. I ran through my head possibilities of people I am associated with in the flesh, rather than online here. Joshua, I regret ever suspecting you. Your heart is like hers... Beating for others, innocent. My paranoia blinded me from the one person who has, despite the distance, stood by me. I am sorry, Joshua. I should have never considered you, I never should have. Especially after everything. You're not like them, you're so innocent, you're like her. The one person who I've ever found beauty to harbor in. Suspecting you has not only insulted you but her as well. I see my mistake and hope you can forgive me for doing such to you. And where ever she may be, I hope she can forgive me as well. Especially for what is to come.

I began working on figuring out who else it could be and have come to the conclusion that it is either someone on here, who has been around long enough to figure out my blogs, what I do. Or, it is the only person in the flesh I still see more than a few times a year. The same fellow that I threw off my property. His ignorance and profile would fit better than anyone else I know. He's the only suspect I have that I know personally. As for online people it could be numerous, I'm not exactly a favorite person. So if it is someone online it will have to be someone who has been watching from another account or someone who has be dosed with information.

This one is ignorant, but he is hostile. That blend will both hinder him and make him a destructive force. He won't know when to quit. My advice: Steer clear until he's dealt with.

By now you guys know I do not like being defended by others, mostly because I can't remember last (prior to just recently) when I was ever defended by anyone. I do not know how to cope with it as of yet, still working on it. It worries me to have others defend me because it just means they will be pulled into the ordeal which is something I would never wish upon anyone else. And to those already a part of it that just makes you have another enemy, which again, is not something I want. You all are too good to this one here. I've never felt like I deserved any kindness from anyone, despite my desire to help others I never felt kindness in return was any sort of reward. If anything, it was giving when respect was established. To see you defending me was a slap to the face, unexpected.

I've spent a long time feeling useless, living by others expectations, alone. I was not expecting to come here into this struggle and find others who would do such for me. I cannot express my appreciation. I am trying, though. Trying to learn how. I am so mixed up, some emotions of caring are there, some are not, so many human emotions flow within us all it's so complicated. I'd rather be this than hollow, though, I believe. You all granting me the chance to be a better person is giving me all the more motivation. I thank you for your kindness, your protection, all the positives and negatives you have given me.

But I will not use you all as a shield. I've spent my time empty, it is something I can go ahead and fall back into without suffering as I once did. I would never wish that upon any of you. No matter the side you are on. I do not live to serve you, I will not obey you, but I will treat you as my equals. I will kneel in front of you and face the direction of danger not because I am lesser than you, but because I have chosen to be the shield that protects those that have come to see me as someone of value. The same ones that taught me I have value.

Through these people I have learned that humanity is both flawed but has hope. Despite all our faults, despite our history, there is that aspect to prosper. Especially since we are still such a young species in this universe. For us to aspire and as a whole separate from this cycle we've been repeating within history. I always had my own independent thoughts, but you are the ones who have given me the access and means to act instead of watch. We've been trapped within history for so long that now it has become trapped within us. How can we be better than those that came before us if we do not change, if we do not evolve?

In these years I've come to see the meaning of what she once said. The girl who implanted the seed of life back into this empty shell before she disappeared. She told me hope was not wasted on the hopeless, for without it we would not be here today. The greatest of ideas were shared with the world because hope led those people to believe they could accomplish their dreams. I used to merely smirk at her and her untainted mind. I was foolish. I did not see that I was not corrupting her but she was taking away the corruption within me. Joshua, you and I have no idea where she is in this vast world, or if she even remains here now. You knew what she was doing to me all along, didn't you? The tar around my heart was cleaned away by her purity back then, it took a while for the blackness to melt away, and by then she was already long gone. A fault I still blame to be my own. You'll probably not read this for a while, Joshua, but I am sorry for every mistake I have ever made against you, against her. I do what I do now because of my roots, where I now realize started with you and her. It was never easy, it was never meant to be easy, the three of us suffered losses. The two of us still do now that she is gone. But I still hold hope, the gift she had given me. I will never amount to being good, to being white, but I'm farther from being black. The gray I've settled into suits me just fine and is better than I could have ever dreamed to be.

I'm writing this for my fellows, my enemies, for you and for her. My years I've spent alone from the distance between us all as time went on. I transitioned into a person I detested for such a long time... I am no longer that person. I do not want you to be proud, any words of acceptance. I tell you, my reader, this because despite all the flaws I share with my fellow species I continue to adapt, push forward and use what I have learned, experienced, to become something more. Who I was will never be a shadow of my former self, but a piece of me to be accepted. It will harbor my flaws, for I still have many, and while I am working to fix some of them the ones that I cannot I still wouldn't change for the world.

We have to set an example for the generations to come.

I know the fucked up history we have. I won't make excuses; I won't try and make things better about the past because they can't be. The past is the past, dead and buried. The only thing that can be done is to fix the future from even facing the same issues. I know the darker nature of humanity, I'm not going to pretend I am someone noble and good. I'm nothing of the sort. I have explored the darker nature for many years; she taught me the lighter side of things. I am not black nor am I white, I am gray. I've lived in gray all my life, and I will always remain there. We have made mistakes, as individuals, as a whole. We need change, but we aren't going to get it by fighting to murder one another. We have more to offer by working together than separately, for sure we will crumble into dust.

This is a time where we must find our values, what we want to protect. If you have loved ones they are your values. If you love hurting people those are your values. It doesn't matter what it is, for it is something you care for, that you want to have a future with. Don't let anyone else influence your values, taint your mind, your heart. Do not let their judgment guide you. If you cannot figure out your own values then look to someone you value(d), hear within yourself what it is they would fight for. If you have nothing left to fight for personally then fight for what the people you respect fight for. You aren't alone, there are millions of people upon our planet. If you have not found someone to respect within this struggle you'll find someone out there. Those that have lost loved ones you can still fight for them, use everything they had ever given you to stop Him. Value their memory, who they were, what they believed in.

Stop fucking turning upon the people who have just as much to lose, who have just as much to gain from stopping Him. They have suffered losses; they are facing their own trials. You judge them for the difference in your pains? Pain is the same, physical pain hurts, psychological pain hurts, emotional pain hurts. Rather than discriminating and debating who has lost the most you should be gathering together what is left of yourselves to stand as a force that not even He could have expected to see.

This isn't a time to pity one another. This is a time to find an understanding. The true pity here is the fact we all are divided, refusing to unify. The true pity is seeing everything we offer one another as just us pitying each other instead of it being affection, love, and caring. I don't pity any of you, I respect you. I respect you to fight and I respect you enough to try and give others their own free choices.

If we are meaningless to Him why are we treating one another as the same thing? Why would we allow ourselves to be meaningless rather than show Him otherwise? Why succumb to what He sees us as? Like we are stuck repeating our history, He is influencing upon His army and us to be caught within a cycle of His ideals. To all those that follow Him, is that what you want? Those that fight Him, hate Him, want Him dead even as they obey, is seeing what He sees, life being meaningless, what you want to believe? You hate Him and yet you share His traits rather than rejecting them. It's not because He's infected you. I won't fucking believe it, so shut the fuck up. You are all better than that thing.

Anyone who is working as a monster to defeat another one is in the same boat. What happens when the one monster is dead and you're left standing, how do you reflect upon yourself what you have become? How do you look back to those, dead or alive, that you have done this for and expect them to look at you the same way. They may accept you still, love you still, but they won't be blind to you having walked the shadows. You don't become the monster to defeat the monster. You learn from the monster, you take in everything it offers and adapt to it. But you do not, do fucking not become it. Because at the end of the day, when all is said and done, you're just as much to blame then as Him. All your hatred towards Him loses its value because you're just a copy of His image. Fighting not to become like Him is what matters, taking everything he has ever given you and humiliating Him with it by becoming something better, stronger, even if it is just in willpower it will be something.

We should not be turning upon one another like our previous generations have. We should be better than them. We should be doing what He believes we will not. Unify, adapt, evolve, become a force as one. With all our losses, with our experiences, and fight for a future without Him. We are the children that must make the future different in this war. Working divided will get us nowhere. You all may be determined to crash and burn, but I'm not. If you think this post has meaning but are thinking next on how your peers will view it I say this: Fuck them. Fuck the world if they can't understand. You do. You understand the importance, so do something about it. You're doing them a favor by standing up and unifying.

I will wait, here on the knee that I have taken to protect the values I believe in. I will wait for others to form the line with me. Those that stand for their beliefs stand with us, will rise with us. He has caused enough suffering. Come together and we can show that humanity can in fact be saved. He doesn't care about us, our lives, we should care though. Those that hate Him should care. The world we live in is begging to us to tear down the walls separating one another. To stop our own suffering, unify our losses, our gains, and give to Him a present filled with our rage, hatred, and agony. Give Him a dose of our ideals, what we fight for.

You all act like it is such a difficult task when really it is not. It's not complicated; you're just making it that way because you know no other way. Let me help, let us help. We've been waiting for you, arms outstretched, hands waiting for yours. The purpose you serve is greater than what He believes. We're fighting for the dead, for this generation, and for the future be it ours or others.

No pity for one another. Pity only Him and what we are going to do as a force united against him. We will tear apart His foundation on reality and see how He enjoys suffering and death. Let's see how He enjoys disappearing.

Find what is important to you and defend it, whether it is gone or not. I am defending her, him, them, you; I am defending the me I cannot remember despite searching for answers. Is there anyone else out there determined not to give up on themselves, on others?

You know... I feel like people are going to view this as some self-righteous, pompous shit. In truth, I feel like an asshole having to type this, as if I am lecturing you. Typing this I hope encourages you to take action or makes you at least consider some things so that you can choose for yourselves what to do. I don't want to be like Him and influence you; I want you to choose for yourselves. Freely. With untainted minds. We aren't fighting to survive; we are fighting to ensure our future. To avenge the fallen.

Maybe if we can stop working against one another we can become something more. I am not going to give up on anyone. What will this world become if we all just stopped giving a damn? I am going to care about our future, give a damn about you because you obviously have lost caring about yourselves and your values. Until you realize some things are worth more than others I am going to keep pushing. Someone has to care about you.


There is a large storm brewing and bound to hit hard. Last night was bad, the entire house shook. Lightning lit my room up. It was crazy how powerful it was. The skies look clear of storms at the moment but that may change later on. I may get knocked offline, not sure yet. This is still standing for tomorrow too. The red blotch on the news channel was not comforting with its massive size.

Thanks for reading. I don't know what else I can really say.

Stay safe, you are cared for.


  1. You don't have to comment either. The actions you all take, the choices you make are what matter to me.

    If you want to comment then comment on what you value, and tell not just me but all of us what it is you are fighting for.

  2. You know.. i never really thought about my values.. or what i'm fighting for...but if i were to choose it would have to be for these:
    I fight for those who have no idea about this whole situation, for in hope they may never be involved and stay safe.
    I fight for Those who choose the his dark path, who will maybe one day they may see the light of freedom again.
    Finally, I fight for those who are involved, who will hopefully see a successful end to this never ending nightmare
    that is what i fight for

  3. Thank you for sharing that with us. Those are very important values. It calms me knowing there is yet another who also fights for the taken ones, rather than just killing them.

  4. a gift for you in darkness that you may not comprehend.
    preaching salvation to deafened ears only furthers His cause. strife. chaos. is what It seeks, not followers. not conversions. kill them, save them, it is all the same, regardless.

    there is no flock here.
    the empty can rattles the loudest.
    fight or give up, it matters so very little in the end.
    do you believe the servants will fare any better come harvest time?

  5. You are the one that obviously does not comprehend. I see that just fine, will I still stand by and let them continue being servants even if the results are claimed to be the same regardless? No. If people are going to start dying they can do so with their freedom intact. With what hope they have they can unify themselves to stand together. You'd be surprised what morale does, considering you've lost yours.

    You tell me I do not understand that? I understand that fine. I choose to help them and give hope where others have lost it. If people are just going to bitch and moan about being scared and not do something about it I will. What I believe matters little to you, we will do what we can. That is all that needs to be said.

    Here is my gift to you, Victor. Stop seeing shades of red, you are becoming less of what you want to avenge and more of what you hate. Him. See what is beautiful again. I found beauty just recently. When you had your moment of calmness, to see what was beneath His layers of taint. That was beautiful. Your lack of consideration for changing your mind just tells me you are more like Him, like the ones who first lit that fury burning within you now.

    You see no point in this comment, most likely, though. I'll end it here. Save my frustration for another time.

  6. it is not that you do not understand. that would imply lack of intelligence and we both know it is not the case for you.
    it is that you refuse to see.
    morale.comprehension. resisting. all irrelevant to one who has seen and felt and heard what mankind is fully capable of.

    Lost. i do know. i do comprehend. i am loss given form. over and over and over.
    less than.

    would you have me kill them first? these low men and hollow shells? i can shuck the power from them and fear no punishment.
    would you have me tear the revenants from their very skin? it is within my hollow heart do do.
    they are as dust in my face, no threat.

    i can save these sacks of meat... to make you happy for a time, But in the end.. It comes. He comes. my Endgültige Lösung would be humane, peaceful compared to what it brings for you.

    it. has such sights. to show you.

    i would see you dead and gone from here before the black wind comes to tear your parts asunder. a gift. the only one a monster has to give.

    please stop. please.

  7. Look at us, we run in circles around one another. It is nearly poetic. I refuse to see what you tell me just as you do the same for me.

    I would never ask you to kill anyone, Victor. I know what you are capable of. I have not experienced what you have, but it does not mean I can run through simulations with this mind of mine. I know you could, would, probably have and even will do such. I would not have you, I would not ask that of you. They are no threat to you, this I see, this I believe. But doing this to them... Does it make you feel any better? I do not care if you say that it is probably irrelevant. Your actions, when you do such to them, even if they are nothing in comparison in your view; what does that do for you?

    I gave up on my own happiness, Victor. I know, I hear the words you say. He will come. Asking anything aside from considering your options, from what I've nagged you about since the start is the only thing I can ever ask of you. I would not dare place burden upon you when you have had enough. I refuse to put strain upon you. Strong you may be, Victor, but you are fragile as well. The real you is such a fierce combination, like I said previously, it is beautiful.

    Your gift brings a smile to my lips, but ultimately it is unfair. I am scarred, body broken, pieces already missing. It will do worse than the time spent in the hospitals, worse than the years of isolation. But that is fine. I accept the pain to come for I know that what I do now means something. If not to anyone else than to me. You're worth not dying a quick death for, just like they are. Flawed and ugly, they are but diamonds in the rough. Just like you, Victor.

  8. i am. undone.
    this heart of weakness.
    these horrors of flesh that crawl and moan
    that which begs for death and blood.
    madness which leaks and infects and screams
    i cannot.
    god please. if such exists.
    i begged thee once for life. for her. for them.
    i begged and prayed and cried for mercy in that rain. if not for me, for them.

    i beg of thee now, show your children mercy from the darkness begat of teeth.

    knowthis now. i prayed. in my delusions and pain. nothing came. no help. no surcease was given unto me.
    no human touch no angel's reprieve.
    only Him. that which walks the rotten leaves.
    It came then and shewed upon me mercy. power.
    that which walkss behind.

    you wonder and ask, why iss your allegiance thus? how can you become such that makess you suffer?

    no thing came to help. no rescue. no hope.
    Darkness with Teeth tread upon me then, answered then my pleas and my dying breath.
    my hatred and my rage.

    i am lifted up, exalted in my Hell and Pain and Hate.
    Mine hands were given power then, to kill and murder all which stood before me.
    makes me suffer?

    humankind made me suffer. made the innocent suffer. i watched those children die at his hands that bastard vile. that Temple full of treason.

    of all things made, only It answered my pleading, my blood. only He shewed mercy upon my pain. and in return i offered to find that which was stolen from HIM.

  9. Something came for you, something vile that took advantage of your state. It cared nothing for you, Victor. It took me a while to get here, for others, but we are here now. You don't have to allow yourself to be suffocated by Him, to do his bidding. I respect you, to keep that in which you offer it. I do not harbor any ill will towards you because of it. I merely want to understand who you are, from past to the present and into the future. And if I can help you that is even better. I want to say I hate them, I hate all the ones that never came to you when you needed it so. Instead, I can just loathe them from here, glaring at them in disgust for betraying one of their own. Ugly people. Hideous. Not like you, Victor, nothing like you. They should have been better but they weren't. We, the generations that follow, are trying to be better. For you, for others that have suffered like you.

    What our species did was wrong. But there are others who have suffered losses like yours and who had none come for them. And you know what happened to them, Victor? They either withered or they stood back up. Alone, they stood up again.

    If you told me how you will find what was stolen (granted, it wasn't the harvest) I could better understand. If slaughtering the mass is unnecessary don't do it. If it is just because you wish to out of your hatred, or He desires it so, there is no real reason then to do it. If it is to find what was stolen I can tell you now there are other options. Honor... I have not acknowledged it in years, and yet I feel it when you speak to me without the riddles. I would not tell you nor ask of you to break your word you made to Him. Not unless it was absolute. I see you have kept yours so loyally, despite your suffering from not only the past but as well what he has done.

    Humanity has done terrible deeds, it is currently, and will in the future. We are a young species yet, we need to learn how to stop genocide, not create more of it. And we certainly cannot stop once if no one tries to stop it. What happens when your harvest comes, Victor? Should this race every recover do you know what you will have done? Just set an example for in the future. The genocide you aim to complete will only set a target to repeat it again, only bigger, make your slaughtering of the masses nothing in comparison to the next one that comes around. The cycle will just grow and grow from there. You have the chance to prevent that.

    So I question you about what was stolen and how it will be found, so I can offer something to you. A different solution.

  10. the sickness. it was in the water he put the Ashes in the Water he murdered us all to make a weapon we never had a chance we bleed more it is in the blood
    the pills do not protect the medicine is not true
    there can be no peace there will be no new generation now they have died and been forgotten all but me all which knew or had a chance he opened the gateway he called he summoned it and fed it and woke it up
    it is in the journal the darkest journal yes he kept a journal and we found it yes
    i am. undone. this
    heart. breaks. these eyes bleed.
    i would save you from itt if i could

  11. There is honor in the struggle, strength in learning your strengths. Strife has many lesson to teach, the least of which is self-knowledge.

    The only thing worth striving for is to leave the world a better place than how you found it. It is far easier to give in and allow another person's will to control you, to end you, than it is to keep fighting.

    The end may be inevitably, but the journey is always the most important aspect of life.

  12. You found the Journal? Wouldn't that mean you completed what it is you offered to him? You found it, Victor. You have no more reason to remain suffering under his hand. Cut the strings, we will catch you before you even touch the ground. You kept your word, you kept it, Victor. You have nothing left to offer him then, your freedom has been granted, he's cheating, he's selfish, though. If he will not let you go you must do so yourself.

    I believe I understand now. I am sorry if I have brought pain unto you. So fragile, you're cracking, Victor. Like a beautiful piece of stained glass, you're cracking. Mystery speaks the truth as well, considering you have done what you offered to do now you have the chance to make this world a better place than how you've known it to be. Your pain can lessen, I know personally it can never fully fade but it can lessen greatly. Become bearable. You are strong, even when fragile now, you are so strong. So powerful. Your journey has not been easy, but you kept your word, through your suffering you kept it. Now you do not have to anymore, it has all been completed. You can change your course now.

    Please, do not burden yourself with saving me or wishing for it. I made my choice, it is worth it. My focus is saving you. I care not for my life, it need only to survive long enough to see your suffering ending. Turn your wishes to have saved me, or anyone else upon yourself now, Victor. He, It may be coming but so are we.

    If it is the Journal He wished you to find then you have found it. Your offer has been completed. Isn't this true, hon? Can't you finally break your ties?

  13. suchh pretty littlee words here, to himm
    this surcease iss too late
    a hahahah haha hah
    victori no longer livess here pretty little wordss
    victori IS the Journal foolish hollow thing
    not as what he seekss
    those AShess there, where buried so
    the bargain WILL be keptt
    scrabble so for salvation claw and rend at life.

    comeandsee yes
    come and see

  14. So the theory is true, the Journal is not an object but a person. Victor. That is remarkable. Curiosity wishes me to pry further, the everything else crushes those desires. It does not matter what Victor is, the fact of the matter is he deserves his freedom. He said he would stay until he found the Journal. He found it. He had it all along, you and Him merely kept milking it for what it's worth. You are what is wrong with the world. Disgusting, so ugly. Not like him.

    These pretty words harbor truth, they mean something. I would direct them upon you but I have yet to see anything worth saving. Unlike Victor, who has much left within him. He is still there, he is not blind because you speak for him. He sees just fine. So I direct to him now, and tell him that despite being forced to believe your will to fly has been broken, you still have your wings. They have placed you within a small cage, hoping to prevent you from spreading your wings. If you regain your will even by a fraction you can spread your pair of powerful wings, the ones that have over time only gotten' stronger. And when you do you'll break what confines you have been locked away within, Victor. If you have not flown by the time I arrive then fine, I'll just kick your ass off a cliff and force it. I am their shield, I am yours as well. I will see you fly away from there and keep back what drives to keep you captured.

    If I die that's fine, if you haven't changed that's fine too. I'll come back and haunt the ever loving shit out of you, my dear. Either way I am coming, as are others. It took us some time but we are here. Your bargain was kept, there is nothing left to keep now. You have found the Journal, found it from the start. Nothing was said that you had to stay, so cut your strings, we will catch you before you even touch the ground.

    I will not scrabble for life, you ignorant bitch. I'm standing just fine and defending their lives. Mine, on the otherhand, is ultimately meaningless. As long as I can reach that which is still beautiful within him, as long as I live just long enough to see him take control... That is all my life amounts to. Living past that would be a surprise.

    I am coming for you, beast and Victor. I see your black and I see your white, but I am gray. Rather than bending into one direction I figured out both, and I will use that and more against you to pry him free from your clutches, and His. Sau what you will, Victor is the victim, you are the prey.

    Hear this, Victor. I can see your shine poking through the grime. If you cannot clear it away yourself we will. We care for your well being. This is no mask I wear for you. This is real, what you plan to do is real. You're so close to the end now, if you keep fighting you can break free. I know you can, with that strength of yours. Stay beautiful, like they remember you as, like she remembers you as, like I have come to see you as. Fight, because you have no more bargains to keep.

  15. it cannot end until they are all dead.
    it is not they're fault.
    they never knew.
    those sins of the fathers passed to the sonss
    i never agreed to the descendants.
    it was in the water.
    i never knew until it was too late.
    he put it in the water
    and he murdered uss all.
    the pact must be kept.

  16. It only must be kept because you believe that. You never agreed to it, it wasn't in your bargain. Your pact was kept, it was honored, you've been with them so long you just don't know what else to do, Victor. The fact you can even say you didn't agree to it means you can be redeemed. You're capable of holding the weapon that can end Him. You just have to let us help you help yourself. There is an entire person still there to save, but all I am seeing is him not wanting to be saved because he doesn't believe he's worth it, and that he must keep to a pact he no longer holds ties with because of it.

  17. i am not
    i cannot
    i am
    the journal. exalted. the eleventh step.
    He evolves as well as your kind.
    not alone.
    i am raised up and given power unchecked for this.
    i see too much overwhelming blind sight into
    i see you.
    tearing apart the executioner.
    and yourself.
    i see you with a pain like cancer eating you.
    always dying.
    i seee what is comingg and i knoww
    hunger begat of darkness cannot be stopped.
    only slowedd
    i. am. not.
    He will consume us. and thiss. and all. and then the godss themselvess.
    the pact has not been kept yet.
    what was stolenwill be returned.

  18. What I am doesn't matter as long as it lasts me long enough to reach you. Broken body, broken mind, broken girl. Still going, Victor, I'm still pushing forward. He doesn't have to get far, there is a way to stop this. You just have to want to, stop saying no. Try saying yes to what you want. You remind me of when I was stuck saying yes to everyone, being what I was not. Obeying because I didn't know what the hell to do. Do you know what the did to me? It made me take a sledgehammer and break down every wall until there was nothing left of who I was. I set it all on fire. I erased my own structure and rebuilt. I said no to those that tried to control me and yes to what I wanted. I just want to grab you by the collar and shake you, Victor. Honestly, nothing is set in stone. And even if it were that is what sledgehammers are for.

    Maybe you just misinformed me, Victor. Were you not telling me the whole truth when you said your offer was to find what was stolen? You just said how you never agreed to that part of it. You still have your mind, your will, you just need to utilize it. If you had it your way would you not do something about this? If you're trusting me enough to tell me this all, why aren't you trusting me to help you, Victor? Don't let them break your wings.

  19. I will keep checking this post, Victor. This is our time and place for conversation until we move it elsewhere.

  20. No.
    i have Chosen my Fate and i will not be denied.
    i will not be swayed by pretty words. i know what iss coming. with these eyes i see.

    i have no stomach or heart to murder children but thiss pact must be upheld.
    thiss Harvest cannot be stopped.
    do you question why
    no God hass intervened no Angels come no help arrivess?

    Natural Law cannot be denied. Der Ritter, the Wilde Jagd proceed and it iss allowed.
    above evil. above good.
    no choice.
    i did not agree to the descendants but what was stolen must be returned.

    always. it was in the water. he put it in the water and murdered uss all.
    i Chose my Vengeance upon a failed race of murderers and nothing you have, no thing you are will stand in my way.
    no hope. no love. no soul of Man.

  21. No, I have not questioned why whatever god or angels out there have not come. I've only questioned you, Victor. You sound more and more like the OracleofLies. Say whatever excuse you will, hide behind it. Go right ahead, obey. Obey until you die. See if that makes you happy, Victor. See if they make you happy, if vengence, if any of this does. I can tell you now, you'll just feel like shit when it's over. Reject the offer of humanity's care, ignore my reached out hand. You're no better than the rest.

    I am what I am, I am who I am. I'm not a good person, but I'm not bad either. I offer every bit of myself to show you how you're of value, as an individual, as a person. Months now I've been pestering you, like a shadow that is there within the light, and still there within the dark. You are not lost, just blinded. Blinded to what there is still left that is good within our species. I've been wondering how something so beautiful could see everything as ugly, Victor. You refuse those things, hope, love, the soul of man, because you're not feeling nor seeing your own. And you won't let someone kick open that door to free them.

    No stomach, no heart to murder children, yet you are going to. You are going to because you refuse to acknowledge the fucking difference between thinking something is wrong and not doing anything about it verses actually doing something. I see what is wrong with people, I see what is wrong with this as well, Victor. I am going to die defending them, though. I won't stop reaching out to you, to them, and protecting the others. I'm going to keep stepping in front of you on your path. You're going to have to kill me if you want me gone. If that's what you want, fine. That's just how it is, I guess.

    When you're ready to speak like yourself and not like them I'll be here. Till then, I'm not going to frustrate myself further.

  22. this Harvest comes. not even i can stop it.
    i would not see you hurt.
    beautiful to me are your words peeling back layers of time and hatred.
    i do not even know that you are real.

    so much, these thingss. i cannot find my journal.
    do you know?
    too much.

    the Doctor whispers to me that you are not real.
    that you lie.

    please stop.


  23. I would not lie to you, Victor. You do not deserve it. You have my respect and deserve my honesty. Sometimes I don't feel real, but how can that be when the others see me physically?

    I'm real. You saw, Victor. You don't want to see me hurt and I do not want to see you hurt. All I want to do is help you, protect you, rub away the hatred so that what is beautiful about you can truly be seen.

    You cannot find the Journal? Talk to me, Victor. That's all you have to do.