This is just, I don't even know. My page last night/this morning became a warzone, it seems. If any of you have been subbed or contacted by Bad Man Walking (his username in reverse, keep an eye out on that) know this: He's a virus. No, not a computer virus, but he acts in the same manner. I had time to think on this this morning while I was lying in bed, after staying up to see if another was to reply for I was concerned as per-usual. I went over the possibilities of who this could be. The focus on "who" soon became more of "what". What I mean by this is the purpose of this figure. By the way he posted to others, especially Victor; it would seem that he was trying to clean up the remaining resistance. This concerns me, while I am working with MysteryCultist to help others build a stronger resistance against Him, this man is now out to try and eliminate us. It seems like he doesn't care to kill followers, he's going to those organizing this resistance.
At first he spoke of my death, and what he would do to the things I value in life. He turned the tides then to converting me. I would not have it. This conversation was between two enemies. I tried to reason with myself that there was a possibility he was just brainwashed, but no. He's a sadist. Said so himself he was on the verge on committing crimes before he found Him. I've come to the conclusion that freeing him and giving him his own choice would only result in him going back or becoming a murderer, and currently while under His thumb he's already the latter. He wants to harm others whether he is a proxy or not. This lust for destruction will never cease, even if freed.
I am sorry.
I am so sorry.
He will die.
I've gone back to thinking over who this is. I ran through my head possibilities of people I am associated with in the flesh, rather than online here. Joshua, I regret ever suspecting you. Your heart is like hers... Beating for others, innocent. My paranoia blinded me from the one person who has, despite the distance, stood by me. I am sorry, Joshua. I should have never considered you, I never should have. Especially after everything. You're not like them, you're so innocent, you're like her. The one person who I've ever found beauty to harbor in. Suspecting you has not only insulted you but her as well. I see my mistake and hope you can forgive me for doing such to you. And where ever she may be, I hope she can forgive me as well. Especially for what is to come.
I began working on figuring out who else it could be and have come to the conclusion that it is either someone on here, who has been around long enough to figure out my blogs, what I do. Or, it is the only person in the flesh I still see more than a few times a year. The same fellow that I threw off my property. His ignorance and profile would fit better than anyone else I know. He's the only suspect I have that I know personally. As for online people it could be numerous, I'm not exactly a favorite person. So if it is someone online it will have to be someone who has been watching from another account or someone who has be dosed with information.
This one is ignorant, but he is hostile. That blend will both hinder him and make him a destructive force. He won't know when to quit. My advice: Steer clear until he's dealt with.
By now you guys know I do not like being defended by others, mostly because I can't remember last (prior to just recently) when I was ever defended by anyone. I do not know how to cope with it as of yet, still working on it. It worries me to have others defend me because it just means they will be pulled into the ordeal which is something I would never wish upon anyone else. And to those already a part of it that just makes you have another enemy, which again, is not something I want. You all are too good to this one here. I've never felt like I deserved any kindness from anyone, despite my desire to help others I never felt kindness in return was any sort of reward. If anything, it was giving when respect was established. To see you defending me was a slap to the face, unexpected.
I've spent a long time feeling useless, living by others expectations, alone. I was not expecting to come here into this struggle and find others who would do such for me. I cannot express my appreciation. I am trying, though. Trying to learn how. I am so mixed up, some emotions of caring are there, some are not, so many human emotions flow within us all it's so complicated. I'd rather be this than hollow, though, I believe. You all granting me the chance to be a better person is giving me all the more motivation. I thank you for your kindness, your protection, all the positives and negatives you have given me.
But I will not use you all as a shield. I've spent my time empty, it is something I can go ahead and fall back into without suffering as I once did. I would never wish that upon any of you. No matter the side you are on. I do not live to serve you, I will not obey you, but I will treat you as my equals. I will kneel in front of you and face the direction of danger not because I am lesser than you, but because I have chosen to be the shield that protects those that have come to see me as someone of value. The same ones that taught me I have value.
Through these people I have learned that humanity is both flawed but has hope. Despite all our faults, despite our history, there is that aspect to prosper. Especially since we are still such a young species in this universe. For us to aspire and as a whole separate from this cycle we've been repeating within history. I always had my own independent thoughts, but you are the ones who have given me the access and means to act instead of watch. We've been trapped within history for so long that now it has become trapped within us. How can we be better than those that came before us if we do not change, if we do not evolve?
In these years I've come to see the meaning of what she once said. The girl who implanted the seed of life back into this empty shell before she disappeared. She told me hope was not wasted on the hopeless, for without it we would not be here today. The greatest of ideas were shared with the world because hope led those people to believe they could accomplish their dreams. I used to merely smirk at her and her untainted mind. I was foolish. I did not see that I was not corrupting her but she was taking away the corruption within me. Joshua, you and I have no idea where she is in this vast world, or if she even remains here now. You knew what she was doing to me all along, didn't you? The tar around my heart was cleaned away by her purity back then, it took a while for the blackness to melt away, and by then she was already long gone. A fault I still blame to be my own. You'll probably not read this for a while, Joshua, but I am sorry for every mistake I have ever made against you, against her. I do what I do now because of my roots, where I now realize started with you and her. It was never easy, it was never meant to be easy, the three of us suffered losses. The two of us still do now that she is gone. But I still hold hope, the gift she had given me. I will never amount to being good, to being white, but I'm farther from being black. The gray I've settled into suits me just fine and is better than I could have ever dreamed to be.
I'm writing this for my fellows, my enemies, for you and for her. My years I've spent alone from the distance between us all as time went on. I transitioned into a person I detested for such a long time... I am no longer that person. I do not want you to be proud, any words of acceptance. I tell you, my reader, this because despite all the flaws I share with my fellow species I continue to adapt, push forward and use what I have learned, experienced, to become something more. Who I was will never be a shadow of my former self, but a piece of me to be accepted. It will harbor my flaws, for I still have many, and while I am working to fix some of them the ones that I cannot I still wouldn't change for the world.
We have to set an example for the generations to come.
I know the fucked up history we have. I won't make excuses; I won't try and make things better about the past because they can't be. The past is the past, dead and buried. The only thing that can be done is to fix the future from even facing the same issues. I know the darker nature of humanity, I'm not going to pretend I am someone noble and good. I'm nothing of the sort. I have explored the darker nature for many years; she taught me the lighter side of things. I am not black nor am I white, I am gray. I've lived in gray all my life, and I will always remain there. We have made mistakes, as individuals, as a whole. We need change, but we aren't going to get it by fighting to murder one another. We have more to offer by working together than separately, for sure we will crumble into dust.
This is a time where we must find our values, what we want to protect. If you have loved ones they are your values. If you love hurting people those are your values. It doesn't matter what it is, for it is something you care for, that you want to have a future with. Don't let anyone else influence your values, taint your mind, your heart. Do not let their judgment guide you. If you cannot figure out your own values then look to someone you value(d), hear within yourself what it is they would fight for. If you have nothing left to fight for personally then fight for what the people you respect fight for. You aren't alone, there are millions of people upon our planet. If you have not found someone to respect within this struggle you'll find someone out there. Those that have lost loved ones you can still fight for them, use everything they had ever given you to stop Him. Value their memory, who they were, what they believed in.
Stop fucking turning upon the people who have just as much to lose, who have just as much to gain from stopping Him. They have suffered losses; they are facing their own trials. You judge them for the difference in your pains? Pain is the same, physical pain hurts, psychological pain hurts, emotional pain hurts. Rather than discriminating and debating who has lost the most you should be gathering together what is left of yourselves to stand as a force that not even He could have expected to see.
This isn't a time to pity one another. This is a time to find an understanding. The true pity here is the fact we all are divided, refusing to unify. The true pity is seeing everything we offer one another as just us pitying each other instead of it being affection, love, and caring. I don't pity any of you, I respect you. I respect you to fight and I respect you enough to try and give others their own free choices.
If we are meaningless to Him why are we treating one another as the same thing? Why would we allow ourselves to be meaningless rather than show Him otherwise? Why succumb to what He sees us as? Like we are stuck repeating our history, He is influencing upon His army and us to be caught within a cycle of His ideals. To all those that follow Him, is that what you want? Those that fight Him, hate Him, want Him dead even as they obey, is seeing what He sees, life being meaningless, what you want to believe? You hate Him and yet you share His traits rather than rejecting them. It's not because He's infected you. I won't fucking believe it, so shut the fuck up. You are all better than that thing.
Anyone who is working as a monster to defeat another one is in the same boat. What happens when the one monster is dead and you're left standing, how do you reflect upon yourself what you have become? How do you look back to those, dead or alive, that you have done this for and expect them to look at you the same way. They may accept you still, love you still, but they won't be blind to you having walked the shadows. You don't become the monster to defeat the monster. You learn from the monster, you take in everything it offers and adapt to it. But you do not, do fucking not become it. Because at the end of the day, when all is said and done, you're just as much to blame then as Him. All your hatred towards Him loses its value because you're just a copy of His image. Fighting not to become like Him is what matters, taking everything he has ever given you and humiliating Him with it by becoming something better, stronger, even if it is just in willpower it will be something.
We should not be turning upon one another like our previous generations have. We should be better than them. We should be doing what He believes we will not. Unify, adapt, evolve, become a force as one. With all our losses, with our experiences, and fight for a future without Him. We are the children that must make the future different in this war. Working divided will get us nowhere. You all may be determined to crash and burn, but I'm not. If you think this post has meaning but are thinking next on how your peers will view it I say this: Fuck them. Fuck the world if they can't understand. You do. You understand the importance, so do something about it. You're doing them a favor by standing up and unifying.
I will wait, here on the knee that I have taken to protect the values I believe in. I will wait for others to form the line with me. Those that stand for their beliefs stand with us, will rise with us. He has caused enough suffering. Come together and we can show that humanity can in fact be saved. He doesn't care about us, our lives, we should care though. Those that hate Him should care. The world we live in is begging to us to tear down the walls separating one another. To stop our own suffering, unify our losses, our gains, and give to Him a present filled with our rage, hatred, and agony. Give Him a dose of our ideals, what we fight for.
You all act like it is such a difficult task when really it is not. It's not complicated; you're just making it that way because you know no other way. Let me help, let us help. We've been waiting for you, arms outstretched, hands waiting for yours. The purpose you serve is greater than what He believes. We're fighting for the dead, for this generation, and for the future be it ours or others.
No pity for one another. Pity only Him and what we are going to do as a force united against him. We will tear apart His foundation on reality and see how He enjoys suffering and death. Let's see how He enjoys disappearing.
Find what is important to you and defend it, whether it is gone or not. I am defending her, him, them, you; I am defending the me I cannot remember despite searching for answers. Is there anyone else out there determined not to give up on themselves, on others?
You know... I feel like people are going to view this as some self-righteous, pompous shit. In truth, I feel like an asshole having to type this, as if I am lecturing you. Typing this I hope encourages you to take action or makes you at least consider some things so that you can choose for yourselves what to do. I don't want to be like Him and influence you; I want you to choose for yourselves. Freely. With untainted minds. We aren't fighting to survive; we are fighting to ensure our future. To avenge the fallen.
Maybe if we can stop working against one another we can become something more. I am not going to give up on anyone. What will this world become if we all just stopped giving a damn? I am going to care about our future, give a damn about you because you obviously have lost caring about yourselves and your values. Until you realize some things are worth more than others I am going to keep pushing. Someone has to care about you.
There is a large storm brewing and bound to hit hard. Last night was bad, the entire house shook. Lightning lit my room up. It was crazy how powerful it was. The skies look clear of storms at the moment but that may change later on. I may get knocked offline, not sure yet. This is still standing for tomorrow too. The red blotch on the news channel was not comforting with its massive size.
Thanks for reading. I don't know what else I can really say.
Stay safe, you are cared for.