Sunday, April 10, 2011

Fourth Blog.

I just realized I keep calling these individual posts blogs. Heh, that's what you get for starting a blog at three something in the morning, eh? Honestly, I didn't think I'd be posting much. Perhaps occasional ideas, theories, just rambles of words that were probably empty to most who heard them. I don't know. I still don't know.

It was a nice day today, if not a bit muddy from the recent rain. A nice day to go into the woods. I didn't, though. I just stared through the window this morning thinking of all the ways I could possibly get myself out there. It was useless though, a complete waste of time. I fucking hated myself for it, but I turned around and walked away. After checking all the doors I curled up in the large chair and fell asleep. It was actually the first time I fell into such a heavy sleep, the first time I ever dreamed in that chair. I was near the strip mall nearby where I live, it's on this hill and it is two levels, as in bunch of stores on one level, driving up the hill further and there are more store on the top. I found myself walking up it but the more I was the farther the path seemed to stretch. Everything was just spaced out and bigger, not to mention the entire place was nearly vacant. I had been wandering aimlessly with no real direction just like last time. I don't know why I was there, for some reason seeking something I could not remember. But that figure, that guy in dark baggy clothes was there this time and I knew I had to reach him. He stood up at the top of the hill as if taunting me, no matter how fast or long I ran I was barely getting anywhere. This dream was long, dragged out, it felt like I was in slow motion.

I remember feeling sick, not literally, just sick about seeing him and never getting any answers. I kept running, the people around me were so hollow. They didn't notice me as I passed by, they just kept going and going until they were nothing but specs in the distance. The world around me just kept moving, even when I stopped running and looked at how much farther I had to go. I was still moving forward, slowly, even when not walking or anything. I don't know if that means I was going to meet him no matter what, or it was just the way of this odd dream world, but it was creepy nonetheless. Just as I reached the first level of the two he just tilted his upper half before just disappearing. He was at the final level at the top while I stood at the bottom seething, though utterly confused. I glared as if really thinking I could just set his ass on fire before taking off again for the long trek upwards. It felt like hours passed and every time I looked up to him he was always in the same spot, unmoving, as if stone. Just waiting. I ran more than halfway before breaking out into a walk. It was weird; I didn't feel exhausted as I should of, just sluggish. As if there were shackles around my ankles slowing my down. I didn't stop, I couldn't stop. I just kept walking, moving forward until I reached the second level. And you know what happened then? He fucking disappeared again. Just left and I was stuck across from the Shop Rite and other little stores. On the other side of the huge parking lot. It was a bit easier to walk here, still stretched out but the sluggish effect seemed to have lifted more. I searched through the stores but the closest I ever got to him was on the other side of the isle. Looking into the blackness of the hood briefly, but by the time I had moved into his isle he was gone.

This pattern repeated a few times before I left, after I checked the stores for any clues. Back into the parking lot, the few people scattered around moving as if in slow motion. I held my hand out to them and it was if they were not really there, just passing through my hand. It was as if they couldn't see me despite our eye contact. I was stuck in this world that was not my own, cut off, and it would take me forever -literally- to break away. Back to the other side of the parking lot I stood by the railing that kept cars from driving off the steep hill, looking out to the cloudy dark sky. It looked like snow was to come but never did, everything was just miserable in their appearance. As if this world was slowly turning to ruins by color alone. I didn't understand, I still don't. I couldn't find answers, I couldn't reach this figure that has been in my head, that I have seen, day after fucking day... I hate it, I hate it, I fucking hate him! And I just stood there and screamed, but my voice never carried out. It never reached any distance and that I didn't understand either so I just yelled some more finally at my wits end with the dream. With him.

I started leaving, I made it back to the first level. This sluggishness seemed to be lifting further, despite the world around me being suspended in its own motion of time. I was trying to return to my house which was down the highway and around a few bends from there. I couldn't get past the first level, though, I couldn't reach the bottom. There was this clear wall that I couldn't get through, it didn't make sense. It didn't make any sense, especially when the others just passed through it effortlessly. But I was still there. I was just standing there watching as they gained distance and faded.

And then he was there again. Just standing there slightly hunched forward. Bastard. I hate him, I swear I hate him. So many years, all I want to do is ram my fist into his unseen face. But I never can because I can never reach him. He's always just there, watching. There is no changing that, there is fucking nothing I can do. I'm tired. I am really just tired, even in my own dream. I'm just there, existing. I'm just there watching him back. It feels like forever just passed by with me just staring into the blackness of his hood. I try to reach out, to make some sort of point, just in case there is some sort of communication barrier. Which is ridiculous itself, I know. After another moment he mimicked my gesture. I thought it was more mockery and lowered mine but he just kept standing there in the same position. The dream world just seemed to smear around us, everything became a whirlwind of blurred colors that seemed to fade to black and white; becoming colorless. The dream just fell apart after that.

I woke up to my dogs staring down from the end of the house we were in to the kitchen (small house, open layout, you can see one end from the other). As I looked into that direction I heard footsteps then this metal sound I can't really describe. I got my pocket knife from the table next to me and left the chair. I looked through the entire kitchen, the back room, the closet, the laundry room, the bathroom. Nothing. Not a single thing. I looked outside from the windows and saw no one. I was going to head back to the living room when I saw it, the basement's dead bolt was turned halfway to being unlocked. No big deal to you maybe, but I fucking turned that thing fully into its locked direction. I grabbed the handle and jiggled it, that wasn't the sound I heard. I looked at the chair next to the door, an old wood and metal thing. I nudged it, the sound it made across the tile matched. I'm not crazy. I fixed the basement's lock because there was no way in hell I was going downstairs. The basement creeps me out, always has, if there was some psycho down there I wasn't about to find out. I went back to the living room and sat down, knife in hand, and just waited. Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Feeling sick, as it is the fourth day of feeling like I'm going to fricking vomit, I just tried to relax. I wanted to just fall asleep again, really, I just wanted to sleep. But I couldn't, this tiny house has to many windows. I felt trapped, I still feel trapped. I don't like it. I really do not like feeling like I'm in a cage without a key. Ever since I've noticed him more and more I am feeling that way.

But I'm curious. Are you there reading this? Whoever the hell you are, have you been reading this all along? You know, I really don't appreciate this shit, you can do whatever the hell you want off the property but the moment you step into my territory I will react violently, you know why by now. These images that are seared into my brain are from you, aren't they? They are sick but it's just going to get worse, isn't it? That's fine; I know you're not going to answer. I'll keep finding what it is I don't remember then we can really play. Then you can break like the little toy you are to them. You'll see... You'll break; I'll fucking smash you to pieces! HA!

I really don't like you, if you're here, reading this. You can stalk all you want if it makes you happy for all I care but if you fucking touch me again I'll break your spine and watch you twitch.

Just saying.

It's 2:39 A.M. earliest blog I have done yet. I'm proud of myself. Not really. Because I doubt even after I post this that I will go to sleep. Oh, look, 2:40 A.M. nice. Just watching time slip on by. Tick tock, tick tock. I'm really tired. My snark is running out. Oh, 2:41 A.M. and I am typing ridiculously slow. I probably have a million typos or messed up a bunch of sentences too. Whatever.
I have no idea what I am doing tomorrow. Everyone will be off doing their own thing, I guess I can try organizing some parts of my room. Really need to get some containers. Why the hell do I keep forgetting? Don't answer that. I don't want to listen to those answers anymore right now. I'll try and interpret the dream later too, I guess. Did I mention I was tired?

I don't know. I feel like I'm walking in circles again and again, and every time I get to a certain point in the circle he's just there, standing, staring, and I just pass on by only to confront him again. It's tiresome not knowing anything about this guy. The only thing I have to go on are the appearances he's made so far in my life. I think that I will find more when dig further into the past I can barely remember. Maybe then things will be a little clearer. Perhaps I'll see the connections better, the strings that are making him dance upon this very stage. Maybe then I will learn more of just who he is and if there is a name behind that clouded hood.

For now I'm left without answers, no surprise there. Taking whatever information I can from anywhere, and skeptically looking it over. Trust is limited here, it's so thin, so hard to see past this wall I've built up. Perhaps it's a good thing now, I'd rather be of my own mind than like these mindless husks that obey every word of those they follow. The same things they know nothing about. Insulting. I'll never be like you. I'll ask the questions they don't and be damn happy about it. If you don't ask how the hell are you supposed to learn, you can't adapt nor evolve without learning first. Questions are meant to be asked so fucking ask already, you imbeciles!

My head hurts. You're making me sick. I want to help you keep your own free will but you're making it so hard. So hard. Stop blindly following. Just ask.

I can't keep sitting here anymore. I'm going to go lay down, the light is starting to hurt my head. Maybe I am going crazy.

No, I am fucking not.


  1. Breathes there the man with soul so dead
    Who never to himself hath said,
    This is my own, my native land!
    Whose heart hath ne’er within him burned,
    As home his footsteps he hath turned
    From wandering on a foreign strand!
    If such there breathe, go, mark him well;
    For him no minstrel raptures swell;
    High though his titles, proud his name,
    Boundless his wealth as wish can claim
    Despite those titles, power, and pelf,
    The wretch, concentred all in self,
    Living, shall forfeit fair renown,
    And, doubly dying, shall go down
    To the vile dust from whence he sprung,
    Unwept, unhonored , and unsung.

    You cannot save The Beast of Rage Possessed.
    He is ourss.
    Scrabble so at those walls you vain and hollow thing. The Bargain must be kept. Death is no bar to his call.

  2. Words, words, words.

    If he is one of your buddies than that just motivates me all the more, MyDarkJournal. I still don't have a lot of answers but I'll get them. Do whatever you want, say whatever you want. I know what I am, it seems you are the one that is confused and conflicted.

    We will see what the future brings, dear.