Saturday, February 25, 2012

The Saturday of Saturdays.

They invited me to join them again, I declined and walked them out the door to see them off.

"I'll bring something back for you!" Lucas had said out the window, I could hear my mother telling him to stop sticking his head out or he might catch a cold. I closed the door, the smile I was wearing was gone because only moments ago, before they left I went outside to start the car for them and warm it up. As well, I followed  the instructions given to me by the Advocate to ensure they met their fates today.

I sat on the kitchen floor for a couple hours afterwards, the house phone next to me. It began ringing and I looked to find it was the police. I answered, the news of their deaths came as a confirmation. They wanted me to go to the hospital and identify the bodies in the morgue. I slapped myself once before getting up and grabbing the keys, I drove there and identified their lifeless forms one by one. It was said they ran off the road and crashed down the hill into the rocks at the base of the mountain. Least they went out in one of their favorite areas, right?

They gave their sympathies. I gave a simple nod to the workers before driving home, pausing to throw up on the side of the road and kick the shit out of my car. THEY MEANT NOTHING. Fuck their sympathies and fuck their pity!

I began making funeral arrangements for four once I arrived home. It took a while to set times and dates, the likes. Had set days to pick out the coffins, plan the newspaper bullshit to let everyone know they are gone which will in turn make them leave me the fuck alone once the funeral comes to pass. And all the legal matters that would follow after the funerals regarding insurance, house ownership, the likes.

Joshua and the two soldiers, twiddle-dee and twiddle-dumb came with him. I was in the kitchen again when he looked at me questionably.

"It's done." I stated. He was talking, trying to comfort me on my decision. His voice was drowning out, I rubbed my eyes as I lowered down into a crouch, finding it incredibly hard to just stand. I felt sick and disgusting, I felt ugly, more than that, I felt hideous. I still do. And he wouldn't stop talking. "Joshua, your sympathies are appreciated. Now please leave." He questioned, I caught how he said I shouldn't be alone right now. I couldn't see him with my hand over my eyes, I didn't want to even look at him right now. Reminders, that's all he was. Is until their funerals. I get he was trying to assist but... He wouldn't just shut the fuck up! And I snapped, punching a nearby cabinet as hard as I could. Joshua immediately quieted down, "I don't want to see any of you until their funerals. Get. Out." I growled. After a moment of debating with himself he retreated back to the mansion.

I've never felt so disgusted with myself. My choice to do this, I get it and take full responsibility. It's better in the end for them, finally back to being whole in whatever exists or doesn't after death. Damnit though, they were real to me, those disfigured bodies were something I thought to be stable. Both families, adopted and blood-related are destroyed. I don't know what to do or where to go at this point. This realization came after I kicked Joshua out, a brother from another destroyed family from my past. I considered that maybe that is my trend, heh. I think what stings most is I did this to them, twice now. It was my fault before I even knew it was, before I could comprehend it. Are there some kids just born terrible? Am I one of them? Was I just born a monster? This hideous, disgusting piece of shit.

Not important. The answer is already a clear yes.

I got up and locked all the doors and windows, set the alarm, unplugged the house phone, smashed a family photo which only made me feel worse as I crawled into my bed and turned off my cellphone.
This is my last message until the funerals are dealt with.

I don't want any calls. I don't want any messages. I don't want any visits. If anyone chooses to ignore the latter I will gut them.

I'm taking the week off.

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

2/22/12: A Visitor

I'm home, as in at the house I grew up in. I plan to stay here until the deed is done and the aftermath taken care of. After yesterday and all I just feel more motivated to get all this shit done. Like I said, I plan to post only necessary shit that happens, anything else that happens can be told about later. I don't have the patience to deal with writing it all.

First: Dia called me after the run in she had with my same visitor. Let me rephrase, she called me during the encounter, except I was listening in from her pocket. Course, by reading her post you'll see the Advocate discovered the cellphone and shot it with my friend's gun. After she woke up sometime later she gave me a call, after I called her house a few times. She let me know she was alright, physically, and only had some blood taken and what not. I made it very well known on that call that the Advocate was going to brutally attacked for doing such to her. We calmed each other down effectively.

I listened and supported as she was gathering together some things to head out. We discussed her thoughts and condition, as well as her own situations. She calmed me and reminded me of the things I needed to do, the things at risk. Thank you, Dia. You successfully prevented me from not using the handgun I keep in my room on Advocate tonight from our previous calls. All the credit goes to her for my self control.

Tonight's topic: A Visitor
The moment I heard his voice I left my room and bolted to the front door. My mother was about to call my name and looked surprised by how fast I arrived. I was hoping I was just hearing shit but I wasn't, the Advocate not only decided to visit but he used the front door. I strode over, grabbing his arm and pulled him along.

"Who is that, honey?" I could hear my mother, my father's face alarmed at the unknown male in our house.

"Mysterious stranger!" I called jokingly, their chuckling gave me the moment I needed to shove the Advocate through my door. I looked back at my brother who was eagerly trying to follow us in. "Lucas, go play Five Star with Cassie." I ordered, he playfully whined walking away as I shut the door and immediately rounded on the Advocate, swatting at his arm, "What the hell were you thinking!"

He giggled, catching my hand after taking a few hits. "Oh, is it so bad that I decided to visit you? Besides, you asked me for help with your plot for le familia." He patted the satchel at his hip, I folded my arms loosely as I watched him mill about the room, seemingly intrigued in body language. "Nice place, I especially like the bed." He said in a suggestive manner, chuckling. I nearly rolled my eyes.

"You would." I grumbled, moving to clear a pile a books from my desk chair before taking a seat. "You damn well know you could have avoided the front door." I sighed. "But you're here now. So... Anything I should know about the compound?"

"The front door is much more fun." He began humming absentmindedly before spinning on his heel to face me. "Hohoho, straight to the point then." I leaned back in the chair watching as he dug through his satchel, first pulling out a syringe with yellow liquid inside of it. As he continued to fumble around another object almost was knocked out, and I noted it to the Joshua's gun. Tempted to snatch it I refrained, there were more important matters at hand. "Wouldn't wanna lose that." Advocate giggled, finally pulling out another vial of green foam out. "Hehe, so it's very simple. Apply the green formula to the accelerator of your zombie kin's car, and then inject the yellow chemical which is what makes the pressure foam go crazy, but it's got a little bit of a... Hehe, well it takes a little time to respond. So make sure your family is going on a decent driving distance, or else it won't kick in at the right time." He picked up one of my books and idly flipped through the pages before continuing, "Once activated by the yellow mix, the green foam will go wild and lock up the accelerator. Minor, tinsy-winsy detail: The foam evaporates quickly after activation. So do NOT," I emphasized, "activate it unless you know that they'll be driving soon. After the crash, the chemicals will have cleaned themselves up without a trace." He passed the two mixes between his hands as he spoke. "I know getting the timing right can be a tad bit tricky, hehehe, nothing worthwhile is ever really that easy. But you'll be clear once the dirty deed is done..." He laughed loudly, "And it's a done dirt cheap."

I glanced at the crack at the bottom of my door, searching for any eavesdropping shadows. Advocate of course had my complete and utter attention otherwise. "Timing isn't an issue, they still dance to the same tune. Attend the same schedule, like broken record players. It will be done come Saturday, the aftermath cleaned up by the end of the following week." I responded with indifferently, leaning on the arm of the chair as my finger tapped my cheek calmly. I glanced at the door again, noticing a shadow. "Lucas!" I called him out, rolling my eyes at his fading giggles as he fled. "And what about housing conditions until then?" I asked, returning my focus to him.

"Keep the activator," He wiggled the yellow substance. "refrigerated. Keep the foam at room temperature. The foam reacts badly to being refrigerated. Hehehe, bad reaction, fun to watch though."

"Alrigthy." I reached across the desk and snatched a small box. "You can set them down there for now." Because you're sure as hell not following me around the house as I get them set up in proper places. "Thanks again. You know, this makes three debts now. You should really give me a list so I can start repaying you." I mused.

"Just don't break the vial." He chuckled and sauntered over to where I was. With a giggle he plopped himself onto my lap, I'll admit I squeaked at the sudden weight. "Hehe, oh yes, I'll start on that list daaaaarling." The Advocate wrapped his arms around my neck. "So, I was thinking about all this baby talk." I could hear in his tone he was poking fun.

I stared flatly at him for a moment before chuckling, "You do realize kids between us would doom the entire galaxy, right?" I couldn't help but smirk. It brought an amusing image to mind as I returned the teasing. "Your baby fever is cute, though."

I felt him twitch, "Cute? Ew." His flat tone was followed by a chuckle. "Looks like I'll have to balance the scales... Hehehehehehe." He leaned into me, whispering into my ear. "I've got just the thing in mind." The Advocate pulled out a fresh syringe, I did a double take before looking at his mask. "Do you mind?" He was giggling, tapping the needle against his mask.

"I'm not going to bother asking where you pulled that from." I responded with a sigh. "As long as you don't use it to frame a murder on me or anything, no, I don't mind." I said, not even surprised he'd ask me such.

"Yay! Thank you for not making this harder than it needs to be." The Advocate said excitedly as he pulled out a band-aid from his satchel. Grabbing my arm he drew the blood, "Golden." He chuckled, applying the band-aid. "Quick and painless, right?" He giggled, eying the blood in a way that looked like he was... Treasuring it, by body language. I don't even...

"Yes, thank you doctor. You work miracles." I said, pretend admiration lacing my voice. "Now can you hop off Santa's lap so the chair doesn't break?" I groaned, motioning for him to hurry up off me.

The Advocate leaned in close once more, giggling. "What if I want the chair to break?" The question went unanswered, he hopped off me a second later and straightened his tie. "Hm..." He was looking over my blood again. "I can't wait to see how you react to Venus..." Carefully he set the syringe in a box and then into his bag. "Very important." He mumbled and then returned his attention down to me. "So how's that sexy scar of yours?"

Getting out of the chair myself I lifted and finger and traced the scar, showing its circular size. "Big and still sore. Got all the rusty chips out, though, so it's healing nicely." I said with relief. It fled quickly as I placed a hand on my hip, looking up at him, "And what is Venus? A new project of yours?"

"Yes ma'am, hehehe, it's a doozy. I'm sure you'll... Love it." He said as he began to casually circle around me. I followed him with my eyes, glancing at the hand that came to rest on my shoulder. "It's a very special project. Very special. Hehe." His hands found their way around my waist a moment later. "It's not perfected yet, though. It keeps blowing up all the test subjects." A low chuckle followed that comment. "Fascinates me every time. Hehehe, so have you tried any of those mixes I gave you yet?"

"I haven't because your mixes tend to have violent effects... Like blowing up." I shook my head. "You know, things blowing up around you is starting to become a trend. Might want to do something about that." I teased before curiosity took over now that we were on this topic. "So what are in those mixes you gave me, dear? Anything that will explode or I should be cautious over?"

"Oh, you'll just have to wait and see." He tapped his forehead. "But be smart and avoid injecting any of them into yourself. Hehe, as for blowing things up, it sounds like a party to me." The Advocate chuckled again. "I bet your family is suspicious of what we're up to." He pulled me close and giggled into my ear, "Hmmm, what are we up to?"

"Unknown man shows up, in a mask, and is being kept in the same room as their daughter? Oh no, not suspicious at all." I glanced at the bottom of the door briefly before returning my attention to him, hands resting on his upper arms. "But they should be suspicious, shouldn't they?" I couldn't help but muse at the double meaning.

"Hehehe, cute." He glanced at the door before abruptly separating himself. "I'll let them know you have a fetish for men in masks on my way out," He laughed loudly, I scoffed. "and act like I'm redressing. Take away all the guesswork." The Advocate teased, seeming to enjoy it. "But then again, it's always fun to keep them guessing. Hehehe."

I swatted his arm playfully, "Don't do that. Their last few days shouldn't be about freaking out over this." I folded my arms, scolding him silently for a second before cracking a grin. "As hilarious as it would be and all." Which it would be. It was difficult to remain upset at the thought of what was to come Saturday when jesting with him. A nice distraction, even if he was aiding in the plot. I took a seat on my bed, grin fading back into the usual frown when something else came to mind. "Before you skip off, mind if I ask you something personal?"

The Advocate spun into the chair, striking a comical pose. It reminded me of some boss sitting in a lounge. "Anything, beautiful." He snickered, "Shoot."

"The day of the meeting, after sedating the idiot, you said not to compare him to your family if I wanted him to make it to the car. Every mention of your kin is joked over dryly or darkly." I leaned forward, resting my forearms on my thighs. "Did you kill them? Or do you hate them? Something else, perhaps?"

After sitting motionless while I questioned he seemed to come to life all at once. He hopped out of the chair and approached me, putting his arms on either side of my person and leaned in. "I had no reason, really. To kill them, I mean." I looked at his mask which stopped a few inches from my face, the heavy tone in his voice keeping me alert. "I kill, I play, I mix lethal toxins, I create art. They suspected I was special, they always say it. Said it." He moved passed me and rolled onto the bed, giggling insanely. "Said, say, were and are. Words, words, words." I looked over my shoulder at him, "They're dead some days, and some days I'm not sure. It keeps changing," He was whispering more to himself at this point, I noted. "changing. One day, one way, and changing the next. Always dead, though, until I can't remember. It's his fault, ya know. The memory stuff. He likes messing with your heeeeaaaad." The Advocate began humming, he rolled off the bed and onto his knees, checking his satchel for something. "I know I killed them. And I killed his family too. Black. Ironic. Black and white." He was looking at something, I couldn't see and rather than intrude remained just listening. "Wait, what was your question?" His attention snapped back at me, "If I killed my family? They weren't the first and they won't be the last." He said heatedly. "No game changing, this is my trick, hehehehe, my game." And he was back to standing up, rubbing the back of his neck. "Why are you so curious?" He asked, seeming to become leveled out and interested instead.

Everything he had was saying stored to ponder upon later. I rested my chin in my palm, still leaning on my legs as I looked up at him. "Maybe it's because it's one of the few patterns you have. Or maybe because it hits home with what I'm about to do to my family. Or maybe because I'm flat out interested in you." I waved my free hand at his overall self. "Well, probably a combination. And the latter is usually always." I flashed a brief smile. "But it's just one of the few things that has been on my mind with you." I gave an absentminded shrug.

He grunted. "Patterns? Boo. Hmmm, I guess it's time for me to do something outside the box, eh? Hehehe." My eyes followed him as he paced the floor, ending up back in front of me. "Now I'm feeling inspired. Hehehe." The Advocate pulled a scalpel out of his bag, idly examining it. "How attached are you to Dia Renalda?" He began giggling silently, which soon rose into an insane cackle.

My mind triggered to what I heard on the phone, what Dia explained to me. I felt my hand twitch in my lap and sat up straight. Leaning to the right I slid that same hand beneath the pillows and grasped something familiar. Taking a stand I dragged out the hunting knife I kept at home. "It would be a shame if I had to bloody the rug, Advocate. But if you persist..." I shrugged carelessly, a bitter smiling forming on my lips. I would not tolerate fuckery on this level. He already hurt her and I knew it, I HEARD IT, if he was going to walk back over for seconds I was going to cripple his legs.

"Oh most definitely. And I've already got the blood I need from you." He said as he put distance between us, the scalpel being placed away swiftly and replaced by Joshua's pistol. "And I'd hate to have to shoot my favorite student." I heard the safety go off, it didn't bother me in the least. DeMii, and soon my blood kin to follow her into death... On top of which, pain didn't concern me. I lacked giving a fuck. Dia of all people I was protective over, though. Even if she was a big girl that could take care of herself and all. "Ironic that this gun keeps finding its way back to you." He chuckled, sighing. "Be a good girl and put your knife away."

I glanced at the gun dully before looking at the knife, giving it a small twirl. "I've never been one to follow orders." I quoted him from our last meeting, returning my gaze to his mask. "You mentioned the wrong thing, hon. If you're going to do something, do it." My body straightened, the knife in my hand ready. "Otherwise I'm going to introduce you to the floor." I slid a step forward in warning.

"Technically, this is your fault." He cocked the gun. "You mentioned patterns. Hehehehe." I wanted to punch his goddamn mask in. This was his fault, his game involved the pattern of murdering families a majority of the time. Wasn't my fault he was overreacting about a fact. And then he aimed the gun. "But I know you, Shady, you're not afraid to get shot. You'd probably like it. No, you aren't scared for yourself." I listened as he hummed for a second. "But when it comes to friends... Well, that's your soft spot. You would hate to see Dia get hurt, again. Hehe, or DeMii." I twitched, about to explode at the mere mention. Sensible me said he lacked knowledge of what transpired (sensible me was also lying just in case to not stab his ass), and I fought every ounce of fury that was building. "Or Myssssssstery." The Advocate circled me until his back was against the door, gun still trained on me. "Hehehe, another thing: We've never scuffed like this before. Last time I gave you reason to threaten me, you were tied up. You don't know what I can do... Hehe, and well, I've had plenty of time to watch you spar. And let's not forget to factor your health into play. And the gun." He chuckled, pausing for a moment as I narrowed my eyes by a fraction. "There's a line between bravery and idiocy."

"What doesn't kill you..." I snickered, "You had plenty of time to watch a female without memories adapt to survive." I stood in front of him, still keeping some distance, having followed his movement to this point. "Don't forget now, everything is back. Especially how to disarm, subdue, and eliminate if necessary. Is it necessary?" I questioned him calmly but didn't wait for an answer. Sighing, I placed a free hand over my injured abdomen and considered. "I'll probably rip open what hasn't healed yet... Couple miles back to the mansion while bleeding." Given the fact I'd avoid involving the family as best I could. "Is it worth it? Eliminate one, still have five more I'd miss out on. Let the one walk, get back to the list. Options, options." I wondered, Road Runner coming to mind. My hold on the knife tightened, there was the bigger picture. That bitch a mask. Dia was capable and smart, I trusted her abilities and given what we discussed my confidence in her was stable. If she wanted assistance she'd ask as well. Thinking such I found my smile no longer bitter and dropped the knife, kicking it back behind me away from both of us. Completely alright with letting this one go. 

He chuckled. "Good decision. I would have hated to shoot you... Mood killer!" I saw his head move, line of sight indicated towards the knife. Something was going on in that head of his, the thoughtful chin stroke gave it away. "Romantic..." He opened the door behind him, dropping the gun into his satchel. "Very romantic. Have fun with your family!" The Advocate snickered. "I... Haha..." He turned to leave.

I watched him turn to leave for a moment before following after, scooping up his hand in mine as I led him to the front door. Parents in the kitchen at the other end of the house, judging by the voices. I caught Lucas peering out of Cassie's door, trying to ninja his way closer. I rolled my eyes, lifting a hand to adjust the Advocate's tie after our tense little moment. "Now you get home safely. It would be a real shame if something were to happen to you." I lowered my voice so it was between just us and half-jokingly said, "Before I could kick your fine ass." I unlocked and opened the front door and added, "Been fun as always, darling." before kissing his masked cheek, chuckling as Lucas ran to Cassie's room to relay what he witnessed.

He didn't leave immediately. I found myself grabbed by my shoulders and pulled into an awkwardly lengthy hug. And then he started giggling, which didn't help, just before abruptly letting go and walking out the door. "I hope you like the brownies. Hehehe, I'll see you later, babe... Hehehe oh, I just can't wait." I leaned out the door, watching as he reached the bottom of the steps before turning on his heel back to me. "Oh, and honey." The Advocate snickered, "The boss... He taught me some new tricks. Harharharhar." He gave a mock salute before disappearing. He was just there and then he wasn't, my face fell. I'll admit it, that surprised me completely. Where he stood were a few scattered leaves, colored black as ash. I knew what it meant.

I swore, closing and locking the door. My mind went to what he said, first wondering who the hell his boss could be, and second... What brownies? Lucas's gleeful giggle set off alarms. I swore again in Advocate's name and hurried to my room, snatching a plate that most certainly wasn't there on the desk when the Advocate first arrived. "HEY! No. Don't do that." I tried to order my brother, he wasn't like the others at the mansion that actually listened. I tried to stand as tall as I could, granted I'm fricking short, and held the plate away from his grabby hands. "You know what sugar does to you." And what could possibly be in this I do not want you to find out. "Shoo, get out of my room."

"Make me." He pouted. I paused, staring down at him a moment before agreeing to those terms. I placed the plate on a high shelf and kicked the knife under the bed along the way. Turning I grinned, lunging and snatching him off the ground. Easily I tossed him over my shoulder and marched across the hall to my sister's room. "Hey, bitchtits." She looked up from her laptop, I placed him down and gave him a nudge in. "Keep your spy." Before shutting the door.

I fended off my brother's attempts to sneak into my room and reach those fricking brownies. Damn you, ADVOCATE! (insert fist shaking here).

Ughs.Well, I followed his instructions on housing conditions. They are both being safely kept somewhere, heh. Yea. The vials felt heavy, and I don't mean it bluntly. Weighted with my choice.
I feel so stupid and disgusting. Every time I think about it the weights on my ankles grow heavier. I'm hoping once it's done with all the built up stress will fade. Course that just means dealing with the mourning. Ha. Why mourn when you're murdering, am I right? Ha. Yea. I can't predict exactly the reaction, especially with my current state. DeMii died yesterday, my adopted sister, and now I'm controlling the fate of my (unreal, though fucking real enough to me) flesh and blood kin. What concerns me is the mental bullshit. My brain keeps saying, "No, they are real." from growing up with them and the likes, my memory says, "No, I killed them. They aren't real, this is all a self made illusion that needs to end." two opposite and conflicting thought patterns. Both of which have been making my head spin. So what happens when the reality of them dead and gone comes in? Will it smooth over like any other death I've dealt with or be a clusterfuck between those two opposites coming together?
Shit. Typing right now doesn't help, in fact I don't even want to be sitting here doing so. I detest even looking at this site currently and all the reminders.
AND I'M FUCKING PISSED OFF and want to just... Nevermind. If I even begin ranting here I'll just be stuck pissed off further. Not doing that, not until everything is done.

I can't wait for this shit to be over.
Till the next necessary thing.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

She's Dead.

DeMii. Lullaby came back to the mansion a mess and I fixed her up before she begged me to help find DeMii's body. I left her at the mansion with Josie. I was so fucking stupid, I should have seen it. Why didn't I see it? IT WAS RIGHT THERE. Every answer. Everything. It could have been prevented, but no, now she's fucking dead.

I ran, Joshua on my heels to the location Lullaby mentioned. The pond, it wasn't that far away, just outside the woods and up a hill. MASC soldiers were already pulling her body from the mucky waters when I arrived, still waist deep in it. I didn't care, I sprinted into there and grabbed her, checking for a pulse. It should have been obvious by her disfigured appearance, and perhaps it's better... I can't even decide. Joshua followed me into the water, trying to pull me out and comfort as I cradled her body.

My beautiful and wonderful DeMii. I wouldn't let her go, I didn't want to. I prayed, to who or what I don't even know, but I prayed this was just another nightmare. Brood was calling to have us get out of the water, get the body covered. He didn't trust our party being outside the wards after dark. I fought them, unwilling to separate. Joshua grabbed me from behind and Brood marched into the murky water to assist him.

And then we got back to the mansion and Lullaby was gone. Josie found the laptop up with the note left on DeMii's blog.

Lullaby. Doll Maker, reborn through that baby. That baby I became attached to, because she was DeMii's and I loved that both of them more than I could ever begin to express. This family, it's torn beyond repair. More than half of the people are dead, the others strayed. THIS ISN'T HOW IT WORKS! You don't just make those connections and have them torn apart just like that. It's doesn't work that way. It doesn't.

I fought Joshua to the fullest when he tried to give sympathies. He wouldn't leave me alone and let go. Every family, every single one is just gone or going to be before the week end. And the only brother I have left despises me so much his form of sympathy is that of pity. DeMii... Lullaby, was that just wasted time?


I will find you, little girl. I will fucking find you and you'll stare at the grave of the woman who gave birth to you. I WILL MAKE YOU FEEL REGRET

Damnit. Just... Fucking damnit.

Joshua had his two MASC soldiers hold flashlights as he helped me dig her grave. I could barely hold the shovel, completely blindsided by this. Brood interrogated Josie on where Lullaby went, she had no idea. We dug a six foot deep ditch and laid her body to rest. Like every grave we'll plant something over it. Have to wait until it's a bit warmer out, too cold now. Everything is cold for all the wrong reasons.

After the funeral I decided I'm done looking at the mansion for now. I have a job to take care of at my kin's home and I just can't... She's gone, she's so far gone. And I have to focus, I have to finish what I started. End what was discovered. Push forward.
Rest in peace, beautiful. No more stress, ok? No more. I'm going to clean up everything, I promise. I'll take care of Lullaby, by any means even now. Just don't be in pain anymore, please.
I miss you already. I love you, and I know it's true. It feels like someone just ripped my heart out, it's real, DeMii. This was real, my sister. I regret nothing between us.

And Lullaby... WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU KILL HER AND LEAVE ME YOUR CONTACT INFORMATION? Goddamnit, fuck. I will find you. I will track you. DeMii entrusted you to me, Lullaby, and I will not dishonor her. This will never be fixed but I will do my damnest to get close, you keep playing run away, Doll Maker. Keep running, I'll drag you back here and make you see everything you threw away. Everylittlefuckingthing. DeMii loved you, she trusted you, WE loved you, and you just threw it all away! It's not over, dove. Not by a long shot.

I don't want to be here anymore. Not right now. This place doesn't feel like home currently.

I'm leaving the mansion. I'm going home and dealing with what needs to be done, then I'll be back. Update what is necessary only. Fuck the rest. Fuck this.

Monday, February 20, 2012

Meet the Family.

"Hey babe, got something in mind, just right for you."

I asked him to call me, we had a thorough discussion on a serious matter at hand. I wanted his opinions on my kin. Of course he was all over killing them off, but how is what I was looking for. Staging and accident is a bit tricky, and to take out four people it has to be done just right. So when he called it was a relief of some kind.
Course this is all just gathering opinions to finalize my own decision. But it assisted nonetheless.

Scheduled posting (because I'm too busy organizing this whole family incident): I visited home on Saturday, they go out Saturdays on long drives to one of the old towns in Pennsylvania. Like the flea market. I remember clearly, the huge field and people coming together, setting up stands. We never cared to purchase anything, it was more about looking at what people crafted together or the old antiques that were there. My family likes history, they like listening to the stories about an object or a place. Hell, even a person. I muse that perhaps that's what quirked my interest about people, growing up with an insatiable curiosity for understanding them and their stories. Maybe it does tie in to how I don't see them as anything beyond characters, people that is. Which is true in its own way, I suppose. Not the point.

I never told you all about my family, huh? I always kept it a mystery if I had a brother or a sister, what my parents are like, my own blood related origins. I guess there isn't a point to protect something already dead. I have (had?) a mother and father, still together, who bicker a ton but are glued together. Both their parents passed away when I was young, but I remember my time spent with them. My sibling is actually siblings, I did that purposely to protect the little one. I have an older sister, Cassie, who is very independent yet dependent all at the same time. The sort of girl that gets a cat call whistled her way, and her response is to punch the guy in the face and call him a pig. Ha! True story there. The one I've kept unmentioned thoroughly is my little brother. I might be close with all my family members in one way or another but our bond is tight. It has always been tight. Or was, I don't even know.

Lucas, my brother, is a ball of energy. Which is why I have to fight to keep sugar out of his system. I was born blonde, he still is. Got some freckles too, where they come from I have no idea. It's adorable. He'll try and fight or wrestle me through-out the years, never worked out on his end, but it was always fun. He loves sports, even if he's a bit clumsy. By a bit I mean derps all over the place. He's a shy kid, the moment someone he doesn't know well says hi he's behind me. Ten year old maniac, though.

My brother and I play a game called Five Star. Anyone know this? They might from school. It's literally just smacking someone and leaving a red hand print. Snerk, get it? Five Star. It's the stupidest game but we tag teamed getting Cassie. She'd throw a fit, chuck a head of lettuce at one of us. My sister is a grouch at times, but gets unnaturally hyper. It runs in the family, I've noticed. It's hilarious, really, she'll try and rough house and start a playful fight. Regrets it a moment later. My sister in the smallest thing on the face of the Earth. Maybe that's an exaggeration, just by a bit. She has a nasty bark but very little bite, despite trying her damnest. And despite her being older I've grown up being the stronger one, hehe. Pinning her is easy, the fact she's ticklish never helped her case. Whenever I let her free she runs straight to her room giggling like I'm going to chase her. I never do. Lucas does, though as I lounge around on the floor. Just for a minute before he pounces, heh.

We are close siblings, always have been protective of one another.
I'm glad I have my memories back, even if the truth is not what I want to hear. Being able to remember these times makes all the difference. The good, the bad, everything in between was worth it with them.
So that's my family. Generally nice people, how I ended up this way I don't know.

I walked in the door this morning and Lucas came screaming. I guess he was pressing his face against the window again to see who pulled in the driveway, haha. He leaped at me and I nearly hit back into the door, the kid wouldn't let go. I gave him a big squeeze and set him down before offering a piggy back ride, he took it eagerly. We walked through the small house to see the rest of the family, they hadn't left for their usual routine yet. They invited me to join but I turned them down, said I'll be around when they got back in the afternoon. Lucas whined and Cassie tossed me a glare for not going, I shrugged it off. Trying to remain indifferent towards them, detaching myself slowly.

While in the house, alone, I searched through it in various ways. I sat on my bed and traced the pattern of my nightmares. Get up, walked to the other end of the house, exit. Go to the garage, grab the axe. Walk back through the door I exited from, close it, lock it. Walk to Cassie's room, eliminate. Walk to Lucas's room, eliminate. Walk to my parent's room, eliminate. Do a once around the house, leaving bloody footprints everywhere, knocking down and breaking family pictures. Dig the axe into the basement door, over and over again, screaming. Leave it in there. Walk back my room and sit back down on the bed, wait until the blackness took me away.

I followed that pattern in the dream and inspected each room. It has been years, sure, carpet replaced, wood cleaned, walls repainted. But I was looking for anything.

I was on my hands and knees in Cassie's room, looking under her bed. There was something red, it interested me. I was never allowed long in her room, she wasn't home yet from up the street, though, what harm would it do? I crawled under the bed with a flashlight and examined what looked like droplets of red paint. Which was silly, my sister didn't have an ounce of red in her room.

The moment I touched it I heard, "What are you doing?" I heard her voice from behind me, I pushed out from under the bed and switched off the flashlight.  "Don't do that." She whimpered, shaking violently. It confused me, I didn't know why.  "Please don't do that ever again. I don't want to remember."

"Remember what?" My childhood self asked, completely oblivious to what I had done under his influence. (Which makes this memory after their murder, when they were first created by my guess.)

"Just promise me you'll stop looking." Stressful tears were forming in her eyes. I tried to comfort her, worried that maybe it wasn't paint after-all. Maybe someone hurt her.

"What am I looking for, though?"

"You can't keep looking. Please. They don't remember and I don't want to either. I thought you got rid of all the reminders, I'll get this one. Then we can go back to not remembering. If there aren't any reminders how can we remember?" She was crying now and I didn't know why.  "Please, just get out of my room."

I did. I went back when she was at a friend's house a few days later and found the spot was clean. When I asked Cassie she was confused, it was as if her memory of it was wiped clean.

That's what I remembered when looking through the house. I couldn't find anything and I wasn't about to tear the house up to do so. At least, not yet.
Which leads me to question why didn't she remember? Was it interaction with the blood, or even reflecting on the blood enough to trigger the truth about their existence? If someone wills something into existence, say blindly through grief, would reflecting on that grief enable the one they grieved for to remember why they were brought into existence again in the first place? There are plenty of other little theories that came to mind when I pondered over it, not yet ready to post anything.

They came home that afternoon and I asked them a series of questions to try and see if they remembered anything. Word play, asking the similar questions in different formats or wording, trying to figure out if they were lying or not. They don't remember anything, I've came to this conclusion. That night when they died is just another night when they were asleep. It was as if that interruption never happened.

It's better they don't remember. Their deaths will be seen as a fluke accident, I'll carry that weight.

I spent the day playing normal and said I'd be back in a few days to spend some with them. Cassie suggested I be her slave and carry her shit as she dragged me around town, or grocery shopping, or at the... Mall. I shuddered then as I do now. Only good thing about that place is when we troll people together, heh. Lucas just wanted me to play the whole time, and make him another blanket fort like I used to weekly. My room would be destroyed half the time just for making them for him to sleep in. My parents were welcoming, despite their work schedules and all. I guess being away got me noticed, ha. Spent the afternoon having them catch me up while I pretended to not care about what I was going to do a week from then.

Tucked Lucas into bed, told him a story like I used to. Wild, outrageous, the exact things I thought to be impossible in normal human lives. Hahaha, ughs. Kid didn't want to sleep, thought I wouldn't come back for a long while if he did. Can't blame him, though. I laid on the bed and let him cuddle to fall asleep, idly petting his head and stayed with him like I said I would. I wasn't able to sleep, I stared at the ceiling until the sun rose and it was Sunday. He slept peacefully, was happy to see me still there in the morning. It in turn pleased me to have that effect still. Being the early birds out of the house I helped him make pancakes for everyone. Lucas clung to my back as I leaned over, cracking eggs over my shoulder and stirring the batter. Pulled a chair over so he could see over the stove top clearly, made dinosaur shaped pancakes that morning.

We played Scrabble, one of his favorite games. One he loses often and tries to cheat at. It never gets old. I would lay out legit words he didn't even hear of, he'd call me out on it and look it up. Tried to do the same to me and dance around the fact he was just making them up. The classic, "That's not a word." "Yea huh." "Nuh uh." "Yea huh." "Nuh uh." (insert stare off here).

I left early afternoon, because I had to. I could feel myself itching to sync back into everyday life with them. That's impossible, though. Not because they aren't real but because it's not the life I could just fall back into. I mean, come on, seriously. Look at me, I'll never settle down into that life ever again. And despite whatever longing feelings I have to be with them again, I know it wouldn't last. This is just the life I'm fit for and feeling comfortable with, like I'm in my own skin. That sounds awful, or like I've just gotten used to being in this situation. But really, it's nothing like that at all. I don't know, Mystery often mused that I was always made for this, even without memories. "Fit for battle."
I laughed it off, saying I watched too many movies, read too many books, spent too much time in fiction or my own head. Looking through all the books I have, which aren't in the least bit normal for a female my age (or previous ages), I can't help but shrug thinking she might have a point given their context. Even in literature my interest for this shit was always there. Ha. Point is, I'll always be sucked back into this life because it's something I know how to handle. I guess that makes me a little fucked up, but this isn't anything new to us, now is it?

Stay safe,
-Shady (had a pretty good weekend)

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Forty-Second Post.

I feel... Relief, perhaps? After yesterday and all, sigh. I spent the day with DeMii and Lullaby, which can be told in detail here.

It was a nice day. That's an understatement. Brood and Joshua didn't want me to leave but fuck them. I needed something real and pure. The two girls are just that, as is our bond. It's something I can't replace or even begin to explain. DeMii is the sister that might not be blood related but is far more real than what I have currently.

That sounds cold. It's difficult to put into context. Ha. Yea. Difficult, when isn't it? I'm confused, I don't know what I should be feeling so I just don't feel anything at all.

"#$@%$^%&, you're a borderline sociopath."

"Just because I don't react the same way to things you people do doesn't make me fucked up. Just makes me different."

"I'm going to prescribe you with something..."

"You're not going to shove a single goddamn pill down my throat for my honesty. I'm sick of seeing your face twice a week. You're supposed to be trying to understand me. Every single human is different, an individual, and it's beautiful. Your job is to learn and understand each patient, assist them with their issues. You're a joke, a lie. You're nothing but a drug dealer with a fucking license. Only thing you taught me is that this is a waste of money. My reflection can tell me more than you can ever hope to."

Funny how memories come at the most random of times. That's the one I got while writing this. I've been shoved into plenty of psychiatrist offices, they all say the same thing. "You're borderline sociopath. The only reason I don't confirm you are a sociopath is from the sincerity you have when mentioning your family and some friends. I doubt your personality has changed even with your memory loss, your parents have said as much. That's not all bad, you still retain who you were before the amnesia. At the same time it's a cause for concern the way you behave so stoically. I see previous doctors have had the same concern, before and after the memory loss. They confirm it for the same reason." But that reason can be faked, Doc, no?

"It was my first suspicion upon meeting you. There are a lot of strong feelings you keep tightly coiled up within you, but they are there and they are pure." Smiles grinned softly.

"You think so, huh?" I rolled my eyes dully at her attempts to cheer me up after another session with the doctors.

"Don't be rude." I groaned in response, falling onto my side in the grass. Her grin turned cheeky, I simply stared up at her with a scowl. Even as a kid I was a grouch. "Come ooooon." She playfully whined, tugging at my arm. "You know it's true! Don't pretend like you don't have them or the docs will really put you away." I just looked at her. "Again. But that's besides the point, #%$%&&#@."

I let her hold my forearm as the rest of me turned away from her. "I shouldn't have to force myself to show emotions. They are there, isn't that enough? I hate humans. Nothing is ever good enough."

"Liar. You love us. We fascinate you!" I could hear her giggling. "Stop talking about yourself like you're some other species." I glanced flatly over my shoulder at her. "Everyone will think you're something vicious, like a raptor."

"...A raptor?" I smirked amused which was followed by a laugh as she did her best impression of one.

"There! See, you're laughing. You're entertained, which means you feel."

"Maybe your idiocy only makes me see you as an easier target, fool." I grinned, propping up on an elbow.

Her face contorted into a wider grin, laughing and giggling. "You're such a villain. I'm gonna be the hero that wins your heart and changes your path."

I snorted, "Please. Heroes don't exist anymore. That term has been stretched to its limits but the dumbasses that populate our planet."

"So negative." She pouted, I glanced at her before falling onto my back. She joined me a moment later, huffing. "You're not a sociopath."

I paused. "I know. I think I would know if I was one."

"The doctors are just stupid. You feel things. I know you love people." She held up her hand at the ring I got her. A smile was on her pretty little face, it had a weird calming effect. "Proof. I know the truth, you don't have to force yourself to be any other way." I nodded quietly, watching her sincere and innocent face. "And then we'll get married, flip off the world, skip through a field of daises, play hide and seek in some sunflowers, and get a house, or maybe even a farm, far away from everyone."

I could feel myself cracking a smile, really wanting to believe that. "Yea, that sounds like a good life, Smiles." I responded, looking past her at the tall shape with a blank face. Its hand lifted in a commanding way, my head filled with noise and my vision fell to black.

And I would surface later, within the blackness. Feeling all those 'pure emotions' she claimed I have. After I murdered her. She'd come to be fully aware that afternoon of the acts I committed through His influence, and would die feeling every ounce of rage.
But she is back, the same way my parents are. Memories covered up by an illusion, both self made and forced upon me. Billy said she was in Europe, no idea where or why or if that is even true. Hell, of course it is true. That idiot was the most honest kid I've ever known, even if it was blunt or brutal at times.

DeMii gave support on my decisions. She listened today as I explained my mixed feelings on that matter. Part of me feels numb towards the fakes, another part feels upset and selfish, another is somewhat happy and content with getting to see things until this point. DeMii said it was alright to feel all those things, that I should cherish the latter above all because it holds truth. I'm numbing it out until I return home and try and see if they are even aware of their unique existence. It seems highly unlikely, but I'd rather know for sure. I'm going to have to return home for a few days prior to... Yea. So it isn't odd when the 'accident' happens and all. It's going to be strange being in that small house and have it so quiet.

Sigh. Anyways, I might have been hurting a bit today, physically, but it was worth it. I've grown attached to the two girls who have become family. I mean, how could I not? I'm a fucking aunt, people. SHADY, AN AUNT. I mean, come on, who would have expected THAT? Haha. Wow, just wow. It just left me in awe a lot today, watching and playing with Lullaby. Registering fully I'm her aunt, that DeMii is then my sister. And I was like, alright, the shit with my kin is awful but I think I'll manage. I got these two with me against the world.

It's so hard to put into context the affection I've come to feel towards them. Despite any minor differences we've had and will have, nothing will change it. There's a sense of security there knowing this. A stability, it's nice. And again, that's an understatement.

I guess this stability has given me some light on the rare few others that can be counted as such. If you need to ask yourself or me if you are one that just means you obviously aren't, heh. People who will blindly say they are one are obviously not either, heh, heh. You'll just know, it's one of those kinds of feelings. Am I right, Dia?
Been a really nice day. Can't wait to pass out.

I've been sitting here writing this for like, hooooours. I keep getting distracted. Whiskey. Hurrr. I don't drink much, but when I do...
I can't think up something wittty for that anymore. Thought I had something but NOEP!

Beeeeeeed. ZzZzZz

Stay safe LAAAAAADIES and gents,
-Shady that became blitzed Shady

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Forty-One: Truth of it All.

"Shady," Brood said firmly, the sort of tone that made a child think they were in for a stern talking to. It was a voice he used often when commanding his officers, the same authority laced through it. But when he shut the hatch door behind him and as he descended the stairs, I could see the look wasn't the same as the voice. There was humanity, it was a look I knew all too well. The bad news face, I've seen it so many times in the peers around me or while staring at my own reflection. "we need to talk."

I moved aside the files to acknowledge he had my complete attention. He sat down in an old creaky chair that could barely even be called such. The same one I found him in often when I wake up. "What is it?"

"You have all your memories back."

"...Yes." I answered with after he paused, staring expectantly at me.

"I understand they will take some time to sort out."

Again, the same pause and stare. "Correct."

"So you remember things you did as a child to certain people around you." I simply nodded this time. "You asked me earlier how the wards at your house are doing." I nodded again, my eyes watching his every movement. Anything to give me a clue to what was going on in that head of his. "The wards are in tact, but you know now they are useless. They have been useless for some time now."

"Effective but useless?" I quirked an eyebrow, confused on the way he phrased it. "They are doing their job to protect my kin, how is it useless?"

He sighed. "Mystery was concerned about your mental state. She never made mention to you anything she found to be... Unusual." I narrowed my eyes, encouraging him to continue. He folded his hands in his lap, sitting forward. "You are aware before she left that she was tuning her own talents. Seeing auras and learning about them, it brought her to realize something she had seen when you two first came into contact with one another. I'm speaking about when you let her into your house, the time you spent there before establishing the mansion as a base."

I held my bandaged torso, pulling myself up further to lean back against the headboard of the bed. "What about my house?" I asked, my eyes raking him over with suspicion and curiosity.

"Mystery visited there again sometime after Prosper attacked and you were away. It was when she began to understand what she was seeing better and discovered something you are not going to like to hear."

"Stop dancing around it and get to the fucking point." I spat, glaring now at what he could possibly have in store for me.

He leveled his gaze with mine, the humanity slowly dissolving away back to the professional agent we've come to recognize him as. "Your family is dead, they have been dead for a while now. What is living in your house isn't real, Mystery said the best way to describe it was what Executor makes with his clones. Unlikely the same manner of creation, but same effect. Tulpa effect, that is. At least that is the closest thing we can describe it as. We believe they are just as unreal as you lost friend whom you dub Smiles."

"You hurt a lot of people after that, Smiles was one of them." Joshua pointed at a grave next to Billy's.  "She got the worst of it." 

"You killed her, you indirectly killed Billy-"

"She's dead in body. Her conscious still exists because of you." 

 Family, family, family... Dead?

All the confusion, pain, everything I felt when the memories first came flooding back hit full force. I was hurled into a sea of images, moving pictures, voices, screaming and crying... All these emotions just filling every corner of my mind.

My eye sight blacked out, my brain was everywhere, I could faintly hear Brood yelling.

Apparently the stress from all that shit induced a seizure. That was fun.

"How is she doing?"

"I'm fine." I interjected once coming to. "Now get these goddamn straps off me."

Brood was rubbing the bridge of his nose slowly. "They are necessary if you trigger another seizure. Your mind is fragile-"

"REMOVE THESE BINDINGS OR I WILL DO IT FOR YOU. THEN YOU'LL BE SORRY!" I stopped myself, taking in a deep breath before slumping back into the bed, a quiet laugh escaping me. "What does this look like? Some kink film? Please. We're going about this all wrong-"

"She's fine." Joshua stopped me with a peeved look, his face flustered slightly. I smirked bitterly as he removed the straps and then raised my hand and pointed at every unnecessary person in the room and then to the hatch door.

"You." I pointed to Joshua. "And you." I pointed to Brood. "Stay. The rest of you have all my love and thanks, now get the fuck out." I didn't care for their mumbling, any swears or insults they had directed at me weren't any different than what I've grown up with. I wasn't about to start caring now. Brood once more took up sitting in the same chair, Joshua positioned himself across from Brood at the end of my bed. "Ok..." I pulled myself up once more and leaned back into the headboard. "What was this about my family being dead too?"

"W-what?" Joshua stuttered as he looked between Brood and I. The agent sighed heavily, obviously he had not wanted the third party involved just yet. I dared him to challenge it as we stared at one another. "I've seen your family-"

"They aren't real." The agent interjected. "You have been having nightmares since your memories returned, I have been sitting and listening to what you say during them. Mystery made sense of it when I contacted her. Your family is dead and has been replaced with false living beings."

"Like Smiles." I glared skeptically. "The Caged One said Smiles was dead, like Joshua, but existed because I wouldn't let go." Joshua's face turned into a hard glare, even more of a skeptic than I currently was. "I should call Mystery, hear it from the source herself." I slid my legs over the side of the bed, trying not to verbally wince. "And check this shit out for myself."

Joshua grabbed my legs and turned me back onto the bed. "Not happening, @#$--Shady." He corrected himself, I could hear his teeth gritting together. "You're staying put."

"Just shoot me up with painkillers. I'll be good." I flashed a grin, he was not moved by it. So I kicked him with obvious irritation. "Don't play mom with me, mines apparently dead." I snarled and once more moved to get off the bed. Brood abruptly stood up, again we challenged one another as to how the situation was going to play out.

"You're tactical, Shady. Imagine if you left the wards now. What would you call your current condition?"

"Open season." I muttered.

He folded his arms, "Precisely, and you have plenty of enemies waiting."

"And an obsessed love-sick stalker." I stared flatly at Joshua as he seethed. He's damn well known for his grudges, looking at his fists tightly balled and slightly shaking I could only imagine. Given the situation on top of which Advocate's timing during our meeting. Oh boy, Joshua was not going to let it go. "I'm going to rip his dick off."

Brood lifted a finger, adding to the list of bullshit. "The Advocate is another big concern with your condition. He's already proven to be able to get in and out of here even with the wards in check."

"And has grown bolder. Anyone can read it from how he's contacted and showed up more and more in your posts." Joshua sneered, his usual big brother role from our past seeping in. It was somewhat touching despite all the negative feelings floating between us.

"That too, Shady. We are already on alert after he killed one of our men the last time. The wards might be providing some help so that he can't kill anyone inside the mansion -which we aren't entirely sure is even stopping him-, but the moment you leave any kind of protection will be going with you."

Joshua looked up at Brood, "Your men would escort her if she wanted to go, yea?"

Brood nodded, I looked between them both as I leaned my head back against the headboard. "Yes, but the Advocate has proven capable of eliminating my officers if he wants to."

"I can handle him. I want Joshua covered at all times, though. Besides, I'm not limping as badly anymore. If I watch how I shift my mid-section I'll be fine, otherwise." I interrupted their macho talk about the damsel. It was really hard not to glare, despite the fact they were just discussing my safety. Relying on people is not something I've ever been good with, it wasn't the role I allowed myself to have. "I will be going back very soon. I have to." I sighed and brushed back my bangs. "I can't just sit here and believe you're telling me my family is dead yet still floating around. Like Executor's minions but of my own creation. Like that clone of me he had stationed there. Heh..." I looked at them both. "When Mystery and I first met, while he had me kidnapped and tortured, he stationed a fake me with a... A fake family." I chuckled, "How classic."

Joshua slid up the bed and ruffled my hair, I looked at him and saw the hate was severely lacking. There was anger, confusion, pain, but the hate had diminished. Was this pity? I didn't want it. I stared at him trying to distinguish between the two, instead of shoving his gesture away I just pulled out of his reach. "You should call her." He said sincerely, I was looking at Brood who was looking between the two of us. "Your famous Mystery." Joshua ended with, I couldn't tell if he was being snarky about it or earnest.

"...Right." I agreed to it and spent the rest of the day processing it and trying to get her to respond.

She finally did answer and we had a long discussion.

Fuck me. I keep seeing just images of my family... Just dead. It isn't how Executor strung them up in the dreams, it's worse. It involves their child with an axe. All of them, in the night just gone. Was the house still in working order because they were being willed into existence or whatever? Had no one really noticed... If such a thing is true. If I really killed them under His influence... I don't even know.

I want to ask the Caged One and wait as she never responds to me. I guess I still can, only this time I won't see her. There's nothing left, we are together again as one. I've never felt so sick in my life. It seems like everyone I come into contact with gets killed sooner or later. I never felt like the source of a virus before, but it seems like this infection I have affects everyone. Mr. Sunshine--Ethan being the first.

Joshua let him down after they left, he laid around at the foot of my bed and just stared. He can't really speak, broken sentences at best. His mind is that of a child's still, mostly. Despite the brute-like body that clearly says he's a man on the outside. And yet, despite all of this, looking into his eyes and reading his body language I can gather he understands. That he knows, because he was there during all of it. I remember, every chance he got to try and ease my burden as I tried to free him from his.

"I killed them! They're all dead because of me. I can't go back, Ethan. I don't- I don't-" The little girl clung to the boy's sweatshirt. "I don't have a home anymore. You'll die if you keep trying to help me. You can't anymore. Ok? Promise me."

"I can't."

"I want to die."

"It would be easier." He mumbled, both of us shaking. "No more suffering for you."

And then I was drowning as Ethan held me under the water, in the lake just at the base of the hill where Limeport Asylum was.

Because every step of the way he was there. I was chasing someone who never left as a kid. I burned down a part of my town and walked under the bridge... And the tall figure in a suit was there. Mr. Sunshine was there when we switched locations. Prosper crouched, I could see his shoulders shaking with silent chuckles. The devil. And Executor came walking out of the blackness of the woods, adjusting his mask as he said, "This the thing?"

I remember all these things but I can't yet fully separate whether or not I murdered the very people I grew fond of as a child. By that I mean directly, not indirectly just from given relations. The truth is buried beneath all the illusions, every lie ever told to me or that I told myself. But when I look at Mr. Sunshine I see the truth so clearly. Just one look tells me everything I don't want to hear.

So if this is the truth. If they aren't really there and this is all just some projected illusion I keep trying to live through... Well, that just means there are a lot of questions left open, on top of which a lot of new ones to add to the collective. But the one thing that surfaces is: This is selfish, I need to learn how to drop the illusion and let them rest in peace finally. They deserve as much, for all the hell I put them through. Mystery is unsure how to accomplish such and suggested the basic method of elimination.
But thinking logically I can't do that. Not until I've solved what will be done with the property I grew up on. Joshua offered to move in there when I nearly melted my brain trying to figure out how I was going to handle all the little details.

"You'll need to gain ownership of the property and in order to do that they'll have to move or die. Signing ownership over to you and living in it will raise suspicion, those tax douchebags will ask questions." He had said. The prior wouldn't work if they were going to disappear once I figured out how to do that, given formed relationships with people around them. And if they were going to move it would be as a whole family, or my sibling would find a separate place no doubt. It didn't make sense if I was left at the house alone, despite being a legal adult. "You don't have a job so you have no way of paying for the property. Your family isn't real anymore, they are just walking figments of your imagination. My suggestion is that an accident happens, you handle the affairs of the deceased and take the life insurance money to support the house at least for a little while. That way you get what you need and they can rest in peace finally." My brain went a mile a minute trying to wrap around the situation. I wanted the fakes I created gone, despite the fact it was going to hurt like all hell. This isn't what they deserved. I was lucky enough to see what life would be like if I grew up with them, if they didn't die years back. I looked up at Joshua and he understood perfectly. "I guess we better get working."

Once I'm healed we are going to set the plan in motion. I spoke to Brood already, he's sticking his hands into the legal matters which will hopefully help move things along smoothly, especially with switching ownership. I'll be putting a lot of things into storage until another time, Joshua is going to transfer to a closer college, return to his old job, and move into my house to keep an eye on things. You know, while I work and all here. I told him he'd make a great housewife, would buy him a nice apron and everything. He punched me for it. Something familiar and calming about it, was nice. Brood said Joshua will have two MASC soldiers with him.

This sounds bad. I'm going to plan an "accidental murder" to eliminate my fake family that doesn't even exist, cut any family ties to people that still exist through it, take over the property, and Joshua along with two MASC soldiers will live there. This sounds like some evil Overlord is taking over or something. I can't believe I am doing this bullshit.

"You need to be healed before we proceed." Brood had said, it would keep questions to a minimal when the funeral and what not would come around. On top of which he still doesn't want me going out after our last conversation. Please, I got impaled on Sunday night, it's been enough time, right? And painkillers! GLORIOUS PAINKILLERS! Ha.
Ah, hell, who am I kidding? When we change the wrappings and I see that nasty wound (stitches look pretty cool, haha) I can understand why I should remain here. I'm in pretty fucked up shape. You know, an open pipe would do that to a person. Bleh.

But I'm going out anyways shortly. I promised DeMii before the whole... Impaling thing... That I'd take her and Lullaby out. It had to be delayed but seriously, if I can walk and aim a gun I'll be fine. Road Runner got fucked up, if she attacked me while in her shitty condition than kudos to that bitch. I mean, seriously, the balls it would take for that. But I'm doing pretty alright with moving about now. It's not as pathetic as before, I'm good.

Ughs... I'm really trying to make light of this situation. It's not working. Fuck it. Fuck all of it. I know the truth. I murdered Smiles, I murdered my family as a kid (what kind of kid does that shit? Influenced or not.), I indirectly murdered Billy. Two of the three are alive and I'm going to kill them all over again. And now I'm going to murder Road Runner and anyone she pulls into this if I have to. She can't save herself. Dia didn't want me to do this but I am. On top of it, I'm not apologizing for it. I don't want to kill anyone but I've come to learn that I'm not the sort of person that does what she wants. I do what is hard and what is necessary. I'm not a proud person, I just know what needs to be done.

I'm not going to let anyone else die because I was chicken shit or had morals getting in the way and didn't get the job done right.

Stay safe, folks,

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Fortieth Post.

Brood doesn't want me typing, he wants me resting. I'm still resting, technically, which is more than I can say I've been doing since I got this hole in my abdomen. The sedatives barely work their magic. I don't even want them anymore. I feel like I'm constantly imprisoned in these god awful dreams. I don't know whether I should be more concerned on them or waking up to see Brood staring at me from the chair, a strained and serious look on his face every time. He dismisses himself and leaves without giving me any answers every time. It's frustrating.

Joshua said it would be alright, he offers some comforting words but with all the negativity floating between us I can't bring myself to believe them as I once used to. I don't want to believe it but I can't help but feel he is just doing it because of what he's learning, what my adopted family here has been through. Yea, Joshua, the small fry has seen plenty.
But it feels more like pity on the trials we've dragged our asses through than true comfort. Knowing him it probably leans more towards that.
I don't know. I can't afford to distract myself with the 'what ifs' right now. They are there and I'm prepared for them, that's enough at the moment.

"Could it be the Executor?" Dia asked during a phone conversation we had one evening.

I shrugged to no one, sitting as usual in bed as my wound healed. "Doubtful, not his trademark work."

"He has a trademark?" I could hear the curiosity in her voice.

"No, not like that. I don't know how to explain it. I just know the difference, I can root him out and determine if it is him fucking with my head. I just know." And it bothers me that I do, is what I wanted to add on. I rubbed my eyes tiredly, having just recently woken up from another dose of sedatives. "There is nothing there, no traces. It's just me, all me. These fucked up dreams of... Of... Fuck! I don't even want to mention their contents."

"They're that bad, huh?" She paused. "You have to tell me something about them, Shady, I can't help if you don't."

I knew she was right. "The family, my blood related kin, they never survive. I see Smiles, I see her pretty little self... God, she was a fucking angel. I see her, wings torn off, gown of white drenched in red. Her eyes... You know, they were the color of the center of a flame, that magnificent blue."

"You cared about her a lot."

I didn't answer that. "I kill them, every time in my dreams. At least, that is what is implied. It's never direct, the act of me doing such at least. It's not like I see myself bringing down the axe. But it's there, as I am just standing next to them. Their blood is on me. I see Billy, his death just replays again and again. The look on his face, the horror. I think what bothers me most is the confusion, though. Because he just didn't know why he was dying, what it was for."

Dia sighed on the other end of the line. "He didn't die for anything, he was murdered, Shady. Road Runner used Prosper to murder Billy to get to you. It didn't work."

"It did." I responded without missing a beat. "All these memories are trying to fit back into place now. It just this clusterfuck of information, of my life, and it's trying to calm down and return to being in order. I keep going through emotional bursts, most of which are violent, which are due to my mind and memories being in such a chaotic state. Something surfaces, emotions follow from that memory, I spazz and try to calm down all at once. Joshua was getting on my ass when I got out of the shower before and was pathetically limping back down to this hole. I grabbed his face and threw him to the floor without even thinking. Brood dragged me off before I could doing anything else, and I know I would have done more. I just... That kind of bloodlust doesn't just disappear." I blurted out, hitting the back of my head into the headboard a few times.

Dia was patient as always when we talked. One of the very few people who could relate to my own experiences and respond on a personal and observational level. It was pleasant. "You've always known about your limits and what you're capable of. I've read it in your blog and have seen it myself, Shady."

"Except this is different." I concluded for her. "Because before I didn't have any proof, I didn't have the memories. Now it's all there."

"Tell me about your dreams." Dia said calmly, already knowing I'd blow off the question if she had asked.

"Blood, the sound of breaking bones, torn limbs laying about, confused and horrified eyes, faint screaming. It's mostly silent. I'm there, usually as a child again, like how the Caged One appeared to me near the end. All I am doing is just standing, with their blood on my hands, and an axe or knife in my hand."

"What happens with your family?"

"They die." I spat, she cleared her throat on the other end of the line. I elaborated. "It switches from observer point of view to first person point of view. It's chaotic, never still as one. Just a little girl with an axe nearly dragging on the floor behind her as she enters each room. Dead siblings, dead parents, dead dog.  It's like a tornado hit the white picket fence life style." I rolled my eyes. "It just starts with me entering their rooms, walking and standing in there, just looking down at their sleeping forms. It cuts to just red, and I realize each time I'm looking at a pool of blood closely, and when the dream me stands back up the bodies are destroyed. The axe still has... Meat on it. There are bloody footprints leading through the house from me."

"That's pretty gory. You said you're just a kid in them?"

"Usually. There are times when I'm not either."

"How old are you in the other ones?"

I paused. "Present day age." I could practically hear her registering the information and what it could mean. "There are a lot of possibilities, what ifs, a lot of unanswered questions. But that's a nightmare for you."

"Who else do you kill in these dreams?"

"Everyone. Everything." I glanced at the knife next to me, regarding it for a moment. "Nothing escapes. Children have tried to crawl to their freedom, when the focus comes down to their lower half I realize in the dream the childhood me took their legs. And then proceeds to take their arms to see just how else they'll try and escape. It's graphic details when it comes to people I don't recognize. Except one."


"Yea. She... She gets it the worst." I rub my forehead. "We're at the fort I made as a kid in the forest. I don't even know what age we are originally then, but in the dream it flickers between all different ones. From when we were kids to present day, everything in between. It's like, every other sentence the dream changes the age, I can't ever be sure. But we're standing there and at first it's like a silent movie, as the dream fills in all the details around us and comes into focus. I can see her unhappy, I hate it when she's unhappy and try and work through changing it when she is. Or was. But in the dream I'm just staring at her, holding a bloody knife. I look stoic almost, maybe even a little disgusted. She's moving her hands, tears are forming in her eyes, she's pacing back and forth... Then all the noise comes in, but there isn't any. The forest is dead silent, I can only hear her choking back sobs. I can just hear her breathing and I don't look away. It continues like that for a minute maybe before she ends voicing her concerns and I can hear her clearly now, "How could you do this to everyone? They loved you. I love you!" and I react." I stopped, biting the inside of my cheek at where the dream was going.

"How do you react to that?"

"I become angry and close the distance, grabbing her shoulder in one hand and stab her in the chest with the knife. It's not a clean kill, I twist the blade and rip it out. I don't give her a second to breathe, to react, I just stab her again and again, even as she falls to the ground, when all the life is sucked out of her. I stopped counting how many times it was. Afterwards I just sit, straddling her dead body. The look on my face is back to being stoic. The blackness comes back, the quiet, peaceful blackness I used to love when I had no memories. When I didn't have to think, or feel, just was at peace. In the dream, that same blackness is the opposite. This tidal wave of emotional trauma, guilt, remorse, and hate comes flooding. I'm just in the blackness, screaming and crying, trying to claw out of there. The one place I was able to feel the consequences of having emotions, it seemed."

"You have reason to be upset and concerned. These are horrible nightmares."

"What bothers me the most is the fact I'm betraying them. She sincerely informs me of her love and in return I stab her until her chest is beyond repair. To be trusted and betray that trust, break, destroy, and smother those that have a place in whatever heart I've got left." I sighed. "I just looked so angry and disgusted, like what she was I just wanted to see erased. I've noticed in my dreams that look is directed towards everyone. I don't understand why."

"Shady, you have to give it time. You just got your memories back and suffered a bad injury. You can't have all the answers at once, there's a lot of memories and your mind needs to heal as much as your body."

I glowered. "I'm impatient. I have all the answers back but they're still all in a clusterfuck that I can't sort out this from that yet. Ughs."

"If you need anything, any sort of help I'm here."

"I know, and it's appreciated." 

Dia and I branched off to talk about human brains and thought patterns from there. Dream theories, which led to jokes, which led to being completely off topic. After making a circle back to the original topic she said she had to run errands in the morning and would give me a call later to check in. Which she did indeed do but it was not what I expected. More on that later.

My nightmares have made Brood become alert, even cautious around me. Joshua questions him but is ignored, no answers are given and it's starting to become an issue. I've reached my tolerance point.

So yea. Now I'm going to just sit back here and hope to relax. Mr. Sunshine is with me, again. He seems to show up often when these dreams happen, sympathetic eyes are the second thing I see when I awaken. I don't know what's going on.
What does someone have to do around here to get some clear fucking answers?

Stay safe,