Saturday, February 25, 2012

The Saturday of Saturdays.

They invited me to join them again, I declined and walked them out the door to see them off.

"I'll bring something back for you!" Lucas had said out the window, I could hear my mother telling him to stop sticking his head out or he might catch a cold. I closed the door, the smile I was wearing was gone because only moments ago, before they left I went outside to start the car for them and warm it up. As well, I followed  the instructions given to me by the Advocate to ensure they met their fates today.

I sat on the kitchen floor for a couple hours afterwards, the house phone next to me. It began ringing and I looked to find it was the police. I answered, the news of their deaths came as a confirmation. They wanted me to go to the hospital and identify the bodies in the morgue. I slapped myself once before getting up and grabbing the keys, I drove there and identified their lifeless forms one by one. It was said they ran off the road and crashed down the hill into the rocks at the base of the mountain. Least they went out in one of their favorite areas, right?

They gave their sympathies. I gave a simple nod to the workers before driving home, pausing to throw up on the side of the road and kick the shit out of my car. THEY MEANT NOTHING. Fuck their sympathies and fuck their pity!

I began making funeral arrangements for four once I arrived home. It took a while to set times and dates, the likes. Had set days to pick out the coffins, plan the newspaper bullshit to let everyone know they are gone which will in turn make them leave me the fuck alone once the funeral comes to pass. And all the legal matters that would follow after the funerals regarding insurance, house ownership, the likes.

Joshua and the two soldiers, twiddle-dee and twiddle-dumb came with him. I was in the kitchen again when he looked at me questionably.

"It's done." I stated. He was talking, trying to comfort me on my decision. His voice was drowning out, I rubbed my eyes as I lowered down into a crouch, finding it incredibly hard to just stand. I felt sick and disgusting, I felt ugly, more than that, I felt hideous. I still do. And he wouldn't stop talking. "Joshua, your sympathies are appreciated. Now please leave." He questioned, I caught how he said I shouldn't be alone right now. I couldn't see him with my hand over my eyes, I didn't want to even look at him right now. Reminders, that's all he was. Is until their funerals. I get he was trying to assist but... He wouldn't just shut the fuck up! And I snapped, punching a nearby cabinet as hard as I could. Joshua immediately quieted down, "I don't want to see any of you until their funerals. Get. Out." I growled. After a moment of debating with himself he retreated back to the mansion.

I've never felt so disgusted with myself. My choice to do this, I get it and take full responsibility. It's better in the end for them, finally back to being whole in whatever exists or doesn't after death. Damnit though, they were real to me, those disfigured bodies were something I thought to be stable. Both families, adopted and blood-related are destroyed. I don't know what to do or where to go at this point. This realization came after I kicked Joshua out, a brother from another destroyed family from my past. I considered that maybe that is my trend, heh. I think what stings most is I did this to them, twice now. It was my fault before I even knew it was, before I could comprehend it. Are there some kids just born terrible? Am I one of them? Was I just born a monster? This hideous, disgusting piece of shit.

Not important. The answer is already a clear yes.

I got up and locked all the doors and windows, set the alarm, unplugged the house phone, smashed a family photo which only made me feel worse as I crawled into my bed and turned off my cellphone.
This is my last message until the funerals are dealt with.

I don't want any calls. I don't want any messages. I don't want any visits. If anyone chooses to ignore the latter I will gut them.

I'm taking the week off.

1 comment:

  1. smart girl.

    yes. some children a born terrible.

    some simply are born with terrible power.

    the question(for you) is which are you?

    i find myself to be the.....latter....of the two.