Thursday, April 14, 2011

Eighth Post.

Change of pace. Dream activity increase and I found something else. We will go in order of the day.

I started working on meditating again. I haven't done it since well, a few years ago when in a bad jam. I was too stressed, I couldn't relax, I couldn't focus on my own breathing, so I just slipped into blank state. And that's all that is needed to be known. I was laying on my back, just trying to focus at least on breathing exercises, it helped me awake self-fall asleep faster. It is at least a step forward, better than going backwards anymore.

I fell asleep around 1:00 A.M. which, if you know me, is early. I really don't remember anything, any dreams, I saw him, I think. Faceless proxy in black, aka Dipshit till I dub him something else. I think it was brief, then again as of late I seem to think a lot of things.
Anyways, I woke up at 4:34 A.M. I was still on my back by my arms were across my chest in a pose I never slept in before. The moment my eyes widened I seemed to inhale air into my lungs as if it was the first time, I don't know why I sat up so fast and looked around. I felt like my instincts were just acting on their own accord. Fuck. I'm sorry, it's so hard to explain this, I don't know why my brain just feels like mush. I think my sleep was restless or something, I woke up this morning with my left leg feeling like I pulled it or something. So I'm thinking I must of had a fit of some kind, despite not dreaming anything at all. I apparently used to do it as a kid, fidget, I'd squirm, my parents would come in hearing me screaming, they'd try to calm me down from kicking and smacking at the air. I really hope that doesn't start up again. I'm too old for that shit, or at least feel it.

I woke up, though, at that exact timing. Couldn't get comfortable, felt just weird. But I eventually fell asleep again and this is where the dream activity ensued. It was that black place again, I was observing myself just standing there, not doing anything. And I looked like shit, unresponsive. It lasted only a bit before it left, I was back to staring into blackness, looking nothing and no one. I guess it was a transition of something, because I was then looking in some small and dimly lit room. It was a mess, torn apart. As per-usual any known people will be anonymous, and thus, the dream continues. This male, same one as to prior night/early morning was sitting near the head of the bed. He was wearing a different mask this time but I knew who it was by a majority of other things. It felt like I was just staring at the guy, completely invisible for hours. I don't know why this dream kept stretching out time but it felt just uncomfortable. Then the door creaked open and a second figure stumbled into the room, they walked so oddly, as if trudging through a marsh. They just entered the room and stood, hunched over, you could hear some light breathing but otherwise they were totally silent. It was a shorter figure who was dressed alike to the male in the room, but they wore the old mask he once did. They just stood there, not looking at anything really. Completely zoned out in their own head. Then, gradually over time, they moved to the end of the bed and sat on the corner, head tilted down.

The guy moved after a bit behind the second figure and leaned over, grabbing their shoulder and using their other hand to remove the mask. In observer mode I moved to look at who it was and nearly screamed, the person was me. Just sitting there, looking like I did when the dream started. I looked pale, paler than usual, I could barely see the colors in my eyes, I looked worn down. Hair a mess as it leaked out of the hood because of gravity. I was barely breathing, sitting there staring at the off colored carpet without any expression what-so-ever. It just got worse, as the observer I started to feel like how the me sitting there looked, how they felt. I started to feel hollow, empty, like I was being drained of everything I was. It was awful, I panicked. I screamed at the me sitting there to wake up, I screamed again and again but there was no acknowledgement, the other me just sat there completely lost with him just watching over her. Was it me? Her? I don't know what to call it anymore! That was me, it was my face, it was my everything but that thing... It could not have been me, it was not! Fucking no, that mask, that hellish thing and what it represents, the torment... She, I, we wore it, and beneath it there was nothing left of us. I don't know what to say, I don't, other than the fact this will not happen.

I woke up later after that, 7:45 A.M. and I still managed to be five minutes late to my morning appointment, heh. I'm so shitty with schedules.

Home, letting the dogs out later around 5:30 P.M. I left the house, I decided to look around through the backyard again. It was a nice day, fresh air was refreshing too to keep me awake. I looked under the chair again and around the bottom of the porch. I then looked under the bench on the porch from where I stood when I was raking, and I found underneath it another heart rock. Larger, brown. This one is slate, it looks broken off and smoothed out but it has also been suggested that it could be from in a stream hence why it is smoothed out as well. And I have a brook on my property, it makes sense. Just what the meaning is as to why it would be from the brook is still unclear, unless it is to connect back to my childhood when I would spend as much of my time out there as I could.

I am going to photograph both the heart rocks again. The first one came out yellow under the lamp I was trying to photograph it under, it doesn't show the true colors of it and so I'm going to try again under natural light tomorrow should it not be raining.

I have also begun looking into this areas past. I remember vaguely of the town I grew up in (not literally in it, but I was always there as much as I was in the brook a lot of the time) and there were some interesting incidents regarding a building burning down. I'm not saying it has any meaning, but the fact of the matter is that it is a lead nonetheless. I also found out that when I was a child there were child disappearing as well. Typing this feels so old already, so unoriginal, but it is true. I am doubtful I will give you the area in which I live, considering I still live here, and since my family is here as well. But I will tell you the story when I gather the timeline better. I just know though, from witnesses first hand, that I had a run in with whoever it was that was doing this. On a couple occasions, since apparently they didn't stop after the first time. When I have the timeline in order I will reveal the story itself that this old town has burned into its past.

(Better) Pictures and information will come shortly. I think that is pretty much all I have to say for tonight. Thanks for listening, guys, it's nice to vent out what has been cooped up in my head for months.

The girl who has yet to fade into dust,

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