Sunday, April 24, 2011

Thirteenth Post.

Heh, how fitting that this post would be about Him. About Them.
This was a loud morning due to some changes going on in the house. I went to be at 6:00 A.M. due to some... Distractions. In either way, I spent most of my morning laying around and sleep for fifteen minute periods before being woken up again. It was tiresome, but I noticed an occurrence that continued. The dreams I had were not split but a continuation of one another. While pieces were put out of order when I rearranged them after the last I found they told their own little tale. It's difficult to say at the moment what it is but I have something to go on.


It was night time, not your usual pitch black, however. The sky was illuminated behind the cloud by moonlight, but not one ray dared to show through. I was watching from my window at the sky, the house was turned awkwardly in the dream so that my room was facing the back of the property rather than the front. The blinds were up, the screen removed and next to me against the old fashion radiator. It was just the glass separating me from the cries of the wind, from becoming soaked by the rain. Nothing looked out of the ordinary aside from the setting itself, I was looking as I usually did, standing as I usually did with my arms crossed beneath my chest. The same indifferent expression I have come to know my face to wear. My hair was a bit messy, I'll assume it was due to being in bed before. I couldn't see the time but I will assume it was late for the house was at a certain point of silence. It was peaceful, I felt on edge but the setting kept me relaxed.

The wind howled, shrieking against the glass as if something was clawing to get in. I was not fazed, nature was lovely even when it acted out. My eyes skimmed the tree-line before looking back up to the sky. It was astonishing how vivid everything was within the still of night. But beauty isn't a concept I ever searched for, nor took time to focus upon learning. The things that could be considered beautiful to me are minor, if they even exist. I knew this as I stood there, as I watched the trees leaned to the left, creaking loudly. I felt as if I was searching for it, though. As if I couldn't sleep until I found it. Beauty is something humanity needs to hold close to them, as if their life depended on seeing something so stunning. As I watched through the window, looking at the sky I thought over the popular things people fawn over. Diamonds, aside from their process of being created I held no interest in them. Gold, a color that never struck me unless using it with purpose in my projects. People, I cannot see beauty in them, I see whether or not they can fascinate me. Nature, it was interesting, glorious, I used to search for hours trying to find something that captivated me. Alas, it only ever border lined it. Like my previous post, beauty seemed to be an emotion that fell from my person. I can't help but think I was looking out of that window for so long because I felt that not seeing something as beautiful was just a fatal flaw, that if I corrected it I wouldn't be as different as I was from them.

But what defines beauty? Is it like good and evil, a battle of perspectives? If that is so would my adoration for the process of how the mind works fit? The manner of which ideas dance, thoughts flow, the steps the brain takes when using its imagination, or even the process it goes through under the influence of emotions, even manipulation. Is my interest in your minds considered beautiful? What of if I like your mind, does that mean I find it beautiful, just as if I don't like it I find it repulsive?

I did not know when looking out that window. All these thoughts echoin around me, my subconscious seeping itself the dream and spewing on-going rambling. It was tiresome, listening as my brain even worked while I slept. I was still unfazed, even gave a little sigh of annoyance at the on-going mental chatter. But slowly it faded as the skies brightened by a fraction behind the clouds. A chill ran down my spine, and yet the temperature did not change in the slightest. This is the part when the bad vibes come in, rather than assuring myself all was well I focused on finding the source. I've dreamed enough to know when things were going on in my own head. I looked down from the sky and followed the tree-line until my eyes landed on a figure straight ahead. It was not Mr. Sunshine, it was Him. He stood there motionlessly directly ahead, right at the beginning of the woods. I wiped away the fog that was beginning to build upon the window again, watching him more clearly now through the hard rain. It looked like the woods behind him were growing darker, as if the light from the sky was shutting off back there. All the noise that was not due to the weather fell silent. He wasn't going away, he wasn't disappearing, I wasn't walking away back to bed.

Seconds turned to minutes and nothing changed. Nothing but me. I uncrossed my arms and pulled up the window before jumping out and making an approach. My brain was going off the fritz, my heart racing, hands shaking, the wind began to sound like whispers.
Who the fuck do you think you are?!
I ended up before him all the same, the height difference massive. I was forced to look up at the nothingness that was his face, it was almost like looking at the moon, and had it not been so serious of a time I may have cracked a laugh. Instead I could only watch as the blackness from behind him spread around in a full 360 degrees, engulfing my surroundings so that nothing was left for me to see. The black of his suit seemed to just melt into the spiraling darkness, yet the white of it and his faceless face remained.
No one.
The voice came louder, from everywhere.
Or perhaps someone.
You don't want to be anyone.
Being someone is equally punishing to one that wishes to be invisible.
Uncared for.
Each word throbbed within my skull, it felt as if someone turned up the bass and it was vibrating through my form. I grabbed my head in one hand, as if that would really help. Useless.
Scream it out!
Everything hurt, everything ached, everything was just blackness. A void that was all my own because of him. The whispers burned into my skull, repeating again and again even now that I am awake. But here, in this dream, they just giggled, taunting me in their anything but innocent voice. The pain only increased, my insides felt as if they were on fire. Like no amount of water could ever put them out.
Scream it out!
The same voice called, demanding it more this time than taunting it. I bit down on my own tongue to try and distract myself from this new sensation of my skin being shredded upon my back.
Scream it out!
It screamed, but I didn't. I slammed my foot against the ground hard and looked up, laughing hysterically instead. As if their demand was something so funny. Around me the voice roared, a high pitch shriek, and through the blackness came a figure I recognize as none other than my own reflection. The fury in her face--my face? Her face faded, a smile of displeasure taking form instead. I could feel the hate radiating off her person and wondered briefly just how the hell someone could become so confused by that single emotion.

Her eyes were on fire, the hues constantly shifting. And then she just came at me, without warning, my head was thrown in one direction. I dropped my arm from my head and looked at her surprised, my own self attacking me. She came again and clumsily I dodged, my mind wrapping around the situation before saying "Fuck it, survive!". Everything around us seemed to just become meaningless, we tore into one another. She could try and strangle me all she liked, but I knew where my flaws were in my present body. Instead of trying to grab her I did what I spent my early years doing in sports. I dropped kicked her in the shoulder, I failed a tackle but scored on a left hook. The pain shot through my shoulder, even in the dream my arm was still screwed up as all hell. I could feel and hear as it loudly cracked, as it twisted, as it hurt like fucking hell. She didn't care, she took every chance she could to get to that arm, and after beating the ever loving crap out of one another she succeeded. Proxy shit was able to get my feet of the ground and chuck me against a tree.

Human limitations say that being chucked into a tree by one of His is not an experience you can hop back up from. The ground was mushy, hard to get up from. The rain was matting down my hair in my eyes, annoying as hell. I pulled myself up painfully and looked up to see her coming at me with one of the knives from my kitchen. I rolled forward as the knife stabbed the ground effortlessly, her hunched state was an opening, I kicked her in the skull with all that I could muster from the angle I was at. She left the knife, mistake number two, the first being her trying to tell me what to do. I grabbed the blade and stood, aching and bleeding, and she pulled herself up as well. She just kept coming and coming, despite the knife digging into her body. But she was me, she fought the way I did--If not a bit more aggressively. Mistake number three was trying to trip me and get around behind me. Wrong footing, bitch. Your could of been advantage is now your disadvantage. I've got the firm ground here, and the moment I slide I my foot you're done for.
Silly proxy.
Silly pretender.
Silly little fake.
I slid my foot dragging hers awkwardly with it and knocked her center off, she was at my side and with a matter of just seconds in front of me. Stumbling right in my line of fire. I grabbed her by the messy locks of hair and used the knife to decapitate my impersonator.

I felt so angry in the dream. The idea of being replaced, or being anything but who I am was enough to boil my blood. I did not know if this was just some twisted dream or a message relating to the proxy whose head was dangling from my grasp. I did not care. Scream? I'll roar. Cry? I'll laugh. Get me on my knees? Ha, fat chance. I would never be tamed, my freedom is my own. I like being wild, I like being without a prison. My wings will forever remain spread wide without being hindered by a small cage. Their biggest mistake is trying to tame me.

Maybe he'll get it now after I stood before Him at the end of the dream and raised that fake's decapitated head and dangled it in his faceless face. Or as close as I could get to it. I stood my tallest and smiled up at his expressionless self. I beat his little bitch and guess what? I won't be filling her spot either.

Fear? Of course it is there, but I refuse to let it consume me. To become blinded, become vulnerable to Him. Being in control of myself is one thing, being tamed by another is different. The latter will be fought against all the way.

Let the rain come. Let the storm rage. Beneath I'll be there, waiting, ready.

Mr. Sunshine, if you were watching or are reading this now, consider this a warning. My body may be flawed, weaker than what it was, but lucid dreaming is just as real. I can give you a dozen ways of how I can end you, both quick and prolonged deaths. If you wish to continue go ahead, I know how puppets work. I know how they dance. Let's see if they can sing.


Dreams are funny little things, are they not? The things they can teach up, the messages our subconscious tries to give us, what intruders try to tell us. I woke up this morning exhausted, as if I had actually spent my entire time fighting her. The first thing I did was look myself over, relief flooded seeing no gashes, scratches, that blood wasn't smeared and oozing. But the scent, the taste of metal still lingered within my senses. Everything hurt for a while, I just laid in bed staring into space until I felt well enough to get up. I've been in a few fights over the years, with both genders, for various reasons. I am awake now, acknowledging the change that has already begun to take place. I can see the difficulties that are to come, the choices that will need to be made will be ones I won't wish to call. But I learned long ago life is not fair, if you want to try and make it so you're in for a lot of work. That's fine, though, right guys? Isn't that what we're doing, providing a fair choice to those He has taken?

I've been crouching over this keyboard to try and give you guys some insight. Keep this little diary here. A little place to rant, a little place to tell you all the dangers. Dangers that have already burrowed into my life. Will they burrow into yours?
What troubles me is the curious ones. Do not get me wrong, I am insanely curious naturally, when this came along you could imagine how I reacted. But I'm seeing plenty running in blind. I understand they are not like me, and I am not like them. I remained invisible for much of the time. These ones here rush in without information, they see the threats and disregard thinking of their own state of being or how it will alter the lives that surround them. Selfish reasons, human curiosity, envy, desire. Seeking out "Why?" is nothing to be scolded over. But that isn't what you're doing when you run in blind, unprepared, with your mind focused on one thing and one thing alone. If I had to ask anything out of those interested in this all revolving around Him, it would be that they stand on the sidelines and learn what everyone else has spent their time learning. So that we, and their own families and friends, do not have to spend valuable time trying to free those taken.

This struggle has so much to do with the mind. Your brain. Why aren't you using it more, dears? Focus. Learn. Adapt. Protect yourselves, be prepared. I cannot stress enough how important it is to take the time to read, not just watch these videos. Read the information. Don't choose out of desire, out of what you think is "cool". Do you know what a friend of mine said to me? He said I would make an awesome proxy. I asked him why, and he told me why. He listed the reasons to me, to my face. My own friend said my interests in the darker nature of humanity, in torture, my knowledge on how to harm and/or kill others would only be a bonus if I switched sides. Do you know what I did to him? I told him he was ignorant and to get off my property. It is people like that, who know so little about these events yet claim to know where they would be that trouble me.

You might have read a previous post about helping us help you. This is another way.

I can't predict what the future holds. I see a lot of options that can possibly happen. I can see a lot of ways to prepare as well. I used to spend my days sketching battle plans and ways to over throw empires. Battleship? Please. I don't know which path leads to the future, but I see plenty of potentials. I am preparing for all of them as I am working with others to help prepare all of you.

I know I am not crazy. A bit unstable, sure. After my fun years and lack of memories I think we can all agree I'm not the most stable person walking this planet. But I'm not wrong when I say you all need to prepare. You can rely on us to help you find ways to stand, but when we let you go you have to be able to hold yourselves up. We will continue helping everyone, but there are chances something could go wrong on one of our ends. I worry over that. Despite pushing forward I also worry over my own condition. Mentally all is well, I can't say this body of mine is as useful as it once was. I'll be pushing myself to change that, even if the pain doesn't go away I can still press forward through it rather than let it stop me mid-way.

--Fucking cracking shoulder from bloody fricking hell.

In any case we're here to help those that rushed in and made choices that they regret. It is taking out time, but it is time we are will to give. Everyone deserves to have the ability to choose freely for themselves. If they want freedom will help them achieve it. If they wish to return to Him we will be disappointed. However, it is their choice. We actually offer choices and do not stalk you until you give in or kill you for rejecting us.

Look, the point of me telling you my dream from this morning was for this reason: You can fight back. I wouldn't go as far to say "Kill it! KILL IT WITH FIRE!" as being your only option. With a proxy that is a part of you taking control over it is really the best option. It's still you, just a piece of you that's become corrupted and slowly forming its own identity... Sort of. I honestly believe that dream was a trick, I've been thinking about it all day which is why I am posting this so late. The fact of the matter is, if there was a proxy made out of my own persona it would be known by now. I merely have Mr. Sunshine. This trick could of been a message about the future, a threat, of just mind fuckery. Either way, it was a lucid dream. She was an illusion, but even as such I made my point. I didn't enjoy beating the shit out of a look-a-like, nor did I appreciate getting the shit beat out of me by a look-a-like. Nothing can be done now, though.
And as for the fight itself, it was weird fighting myself. I suppose it was good practice, eh? Eh? No, probably not. But the combat I've studied was useful at least, even if I was on the receiving end. The one thing she lacked was tactics, the only intelligence I saw was going for one of my disadvantages. But that would be giving too much credit, even, since animals know how to target the weak points of their prey. In any case I can do some illustrations of it, maybe teach you guys some physical defenses. Not necessarily how to saw through bone... But anything is useful when a proxy is tryin to maul you. With MysteryCultist helping to teach mental defenses, I suppose learning some physical ones could be helpful too. But, to everyone, I recommend taking notes in the blogs and our (MysteryCultist and myself) conversations about mental defenses. It's the strongest weapon you have in this struggle. Physical defenses only works on the proxies for so long.

Either way, you have the ability to fight back, to resist. Dream or not. If you like your freedom, if you enjoy being in your own control and untamed, than I would think you would fight back. We will be there to help you.

Also, you guys know by now I'm a night owl. If we're talking and I poof just check my activity bar. I usually leave a farewell for the night message there. Be it a quote or something, the fact that it is fresh there means I posted it before logging out for the night.

For now I'm going to finish replies while lying upside down here. I don't know how my dog does it. It's rather ridiculous. I'm laying here with my legs propped up against the wall, my head for the most part off the bed, and the laptop on my mid-section. Kind of getting dizzy watching Adult Swim like this. My little German wacko, you must not have any brain to dangle yourself like this while you sleep. <3

Oh... Wow, and Happy Easter or whatever.
You'll never find where I hid the eggs. No, really, go ahead and guess. Try and find them. >:D

I'll be around if you need me, allies, enemies, undecided. Just contact my account on Youtube, not all that hard to find, haha.
Till next time, my dears.

Stay safe,


  1. Good on you for killing your dream proxy. You know it won't be the last attempt He makes though. He'll look for some other flaw to exploit.

    BTW, if you're looking for beauty, there's more in potential than anywhere else. Another reason to loathe Him for stealing the potential away from so many.

  2. I do not doubt it.

    I shall take it into consideration and begin to process that suggestion. Beauty in potential... That may be one that could work for me.