Monday, November 5, 2012

Fifth visit 7/30/12

I think I'm just going to start recording theese for myself now, I can't bear to keep posting these things anymore. I don't see what good they do or how they help; all of this is just a record of our poorly established existence. I lost count of how much I had to drink tday and still I'm not even drunk. Shady always joked about my becoming an alcoholic with my job.

I hsould have seen way back then all of this. There was a lot of signs but I missed them all somehow. Maybe it was denial. I used to love the supernaturla, I was the science fiction guy, number one nerd in the school. She was the shadow on the wall, always there but out of sight and out of mind. It was as if she didn't even exist, sometime I think even without her memories she still had some familiarity with what happened. She knew somehow and so she hid until one day she just dissappeared.

My sister isn't a bad person, she just has bad methods. I know this even if I don't act like it because I don't approve of her aproach. It's getting results  but at what cost? I'm painted out to be a bad guy, it was never her intention and I know that. She's like a sister to me, she has always been there and now she's not and I'm drinking again. I did it when she left the first time, I was so upset. Billy and I spent all our time together trying to make up for Sel-Smile's death.
I hate using these nicknames for one another now. I miss our real names, I miss calling my old friend by the name she was born with. I mis calling my sister by a name she has mostly forgotten. It feels like she doesn't even have one anymore. Sometimes I think it's for the better, in Mystery's notes she says names have power; but should someone really erase their identity like that? It just feeels so wrong.

I went to visit her again today, she was startled and paranoid.

"He's trying to get in again, he'll get in eventualy. But I won't let him even if he does!" She had screamed the last part. "They know I'm here. I'm stuck like a caged animal. I can't go anywhere, he has all the time in the world. Picking my brain apart on random nights. I nver know when to expect him, I cant sleep. I don't want to sleep."

I couldn't comfort her at all. She curled up in my lap and I rocked her, like she used to do to her litle brother. Her hands tightly held onto my shirt for reassurance and I promised her I wasn't going   anywhere. Eventually she fell asleep but I still didnt leave her side which I am glad for because she woke up fifteen minutes later. Labored breathing, screaming and crying, clawing at her own head. Shady was having a nightmare about Mister Creevey and its name poured from her mouth repeatedly.

"Is Creevey still in there?" I had asked her once she stirred.


"It is the Executor?"


"Why is he visiting you again?"

"He's trying to do something with whatever Creevey left behind."

"What does he want?"

Shady's eyes glazed over and she drifted back asleep. She stayed that way and seemed at peace for now. Her pulse returned to normal so if he was visitng her he mus have had enough.

I left and got the information on her current psychiatrist, we talked on the phone and he was reassuring about their conversations. She sounded sane when they talked, a bit off but not crazy. It confused me when I saw in thesee visits how she behaved liek a lose cannon. He talked about how she had some troubling issues and I asked if she mentioned a few times to which he denied most of them. I'm going to contact this guy more, maybe set up a meeting and get to know him in person. Something just doesnt sit right.


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