It's 4:48 A.M. and I cannot sleep. Haven't been able to, fucks sake. Dodgy is dead, after yesterday evening we decided to execute him via a fatal dose of cyanide. Zach had other methods in mind, to bluntly put it though they lasted too long or were too much. I'd rather prefer to let the fellow, as sick as he may be, drift away without much suffering. Standing by the table and watching did not bother me as much as it should. It's not because we were "removing a rotten apple from the world" or "he deserved to die" shit. Maybe that would have been better than this... Familiarity. I loathe it, the strings that tug me to look into the past for reasons I do not know. Never liked fate, never liked destiny. I don't care if that is mean or shitty of me but I don't want to be controlled by something else, my actions are then not my own and I cease what little value I possess if nothing but a puppet to such things.
I'm sitting on the couch right now, sort of just lounging while Zach is in the bedroom doing whatever at this time of the night. Fought him to sleep out on the couch, heh. Writing this I'm hoping to get off some of that goddamn pressure bearing down, hoping by the end of it at least a fraction -even the smallest amount- will be gone. Dodgy is gone, the familiarity of standing near a dying and/or dead fellow can wait. I'm just... I don't even know what the word is. Relieved? No, that's just... That's just shit. I refuse to be relieved at another's exspense. But Mystery is a little safer at least, right? After his blog, those fucking hints--She's going to be safe with the rest of them. Protect the family.
Maybe I'm just being dramatic after that post I saw earlier from Prosper. He's claiming to have killed someone, the Mentor aka "Second Death" on a list or in some order, I don't even know. I'm tired as fuck but can't sleep... I just want to sleep, guys. And it's killing me, these thoughts, going over everything... How can I just scoff it off as a scare tactic when I don't even know my own goddamn history?! I can't write off that which means I'm going to have to pull out everything I still have from back then and search for a "mentor" that fits the description.
It bothers me just to think about it. He claims I'm the reason this Mentor is dead. I'm stuck now to wonder how that can be, what reason could I possess that would motivate that. Tried to help me, Prosper claims this Mentor had done. I'm guessing done as in past tense because it sure as hell isn't present. I have so much crap I need to post here it's ridiculous.
I'm leaving in the late morning back to New Jersey. Just going to stay up, screw it. Maybe I'll sleep on the plane ride. I don't know. All these... Fucked up dreams, I don't know what I want. I don't know what I need. It's just getting worse.
WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO BE DOING?!
Rant, rant, rant.
Not feeling any fucking better. Least not by much, bleh. Just going to shut this thing down... I'm sick of just staring at Prosper's page and seeing... Just, everything. I mean, it's not much but it's enough. I don't want to keep looking, keep thinking. I miss my silence... My blackness.
Dodgy is dead.
I'm leaving later today.
I will be posting what I can, as much as I can. Executor, past shit I found/find, updates, everything. Least it will be up somewhere. I'll date it either at the top or something, label it so you guys know.
Sorry guys. Had to rant or vent or whatever.
Need to process everything, that's all. Just need to think.