Thirty-Seventh Post.

I think I'm going to meet Joshua tomorrow. I got a message from him saying he's just checking up but... I don't think something is right. He's angry with me, I know it. I never went to Billy's funeral, how could I? I think he knows something. He was always perceptive. I saw him in the store shortly after I returned from my time with Victor. He looked me dead in the face with shock, I disappeared because I didn't want to dig any holes deeper if I could avoid it. And I couldn't deal with that, I don't think, facing him about Billy... So I fled, because when it comes to emotional bonds I can be a total flake, and hid behind the meat counter. I could hear him calling for me and when I peeked up and saw his reflection in a mirror, he looked so displeased. He knows, I know that face. He knows something and I'm going to find out what.

Truth is, I paused writing this post and called him. Yea, I know it's not a bright idea considering the time and he has work early, but he said he'd get out on his break tomorrow so I'm counting on that. I can't keep delaying all of... This. So we're meeting sometime tomorrow afternoon or evening, he'll give me a call. I hate to do this but it needs to be done.

Some risks are necessary.

I can't begin to explain how much trouble I've gotten into since I began this. And it was even before I made this blog too, when it was all just Youtube. Heh, wow, right? Redeemed four proxies from Slender Man with a human touch (figuratively), one fell off the wagon for reasons I won't get into. The fact that a fraction of humanity still exists within them is enough to tell me something can be done, all a person needs is some time, effort, and a whole lot of patience. We can't move forward without gaining an understanding of one another, and I gather that survival is important but that doesn't mean sticking knives into faces is necessary either. And it's because of that trouble has found me. I've let a lot of people live who others straight up told me shouldn't have. The only reason Prosper has died the few times he has so far is because I know he'll come back, if he couldn't things would be different.

I'm not a pacifist by any means, I'm stubborn and I believe it is unnecessary to kill people that are, for the most part, the way they are for a reason that's out of their hands. Heh, so maybe that's the only real sentimentality I have. Funny, I seem to find myself always neck deep in danger but when I pull myself out of it I never find much regret. Minus a few cases, those of which are obvious. It's mostly due to the things I learn in that time. You know, when you're with someone on the opposite side of the field, when it's just the two of you, a lot is learned. You want to chime in here, Executor? You want to make a statement on that? Heh, another reason he hates me. That's ok, I can take it.

I still haven't diverted from that objective, though. Trinity is with us now, Mr. Sunshine too though he still is... I don't even know the proper word for it anymore. I try with Victor, as I had since before the blog began. I speak up when there is nothing to enable, keep silent so I don't enable anything further. It's a constant puzzle, but it's that way with any person or proxy. Everyone is their own rubic cube, it's one of the things I've always enjoyed about beings in general.

It's what I've been using to my advantage to reconnect wires and help repair damage done. But it brings forth a lot of trouble from various angles. People in my own party object, they'd rather put bullets into proxy's heads. Eliminate the problem, take off the weight of their burden, but they don't consider the fact the proxies are also carrying burdens of their own. Executor despises me damaging his reputation by a fraction, he dislikes what I'm doing as a whole. "Inspiring hope"? Apparently I was doing that at one point in time, back in the beginning of the summer. If that's a big enough cause for an attack than fucking bring it, I'll take whatever you have to throw and deliver it back with a shit ton more.
Prosper is just a creep, I think he's not playing by Executor's rules as closely now that his "leash got loosened". Or else I would have been dragged to Executor while I was away from home and we ended up having a staring match for most of two days.
Road Runner is... I can't even bring any words to how much rage I feel. How much... I can't. I can't fucking begin to explain how horrible she is outside of the posts or comments she leaves. I had someone question me privately about that, saying she's not as bad as made out. You go ahead and have yourself stalked by that batshit insane woman, have one of the few people you still remember (that you were close to, might I add) murdered because of a ploy she set up, on top of which that ploy made just to make you a murderer (again, apparently). She did it again while I was away from home, she's the reason Liam and I crossed paths. She led me straight into witnessing the executions of proxies, almost turned me on people we were allying. Fuck you, Road Runner, fuck you and your cheap tricks.

"Good guys finish last". Good thing I'm not male nor am I all that good, eh? Might be dead otherwise. Congrats for that asshole kink in your personality, Shady.
I'm doing what I can, though. To assist. It brings forth so much trouble, so much danger. I've found myself in a bloody heap numerous times because of this all. Because of giving chances, and yea, it's a suicidal thing to do but if someone doesn't give them the option to change and choose freely nothing is going to ever get done. Nothing is ever going to change and we're going to be stuck in an infinite loop of goddamn shit, of murder and suffering, of loss.

I stopped counting the number of enemies I have. How frequently I get death threats via email or Youtube, posts on here. It stopped phasing me a while ago, I knew starting this all would lead to trouble. But shit, now I've got these professionals on my ass. And really, I'm nothing impressive in the least, as I've told you guys numerous times at the beginning of this blog. I'm just some smartass with some psychology in her background and a load of common sense directed at the future.
And yet I'm hounded.
Wow.

I'm sitting here laughing hysterically at the thought. I really stopped giving a fuck. I have a responsibility to do, promises were made, words will be kept. It's a matter of figuring out where to begin. I guess I'll find out tomorrow, well... Today, now, heh. Maybe this will help me decide what to start posting first, from things long over-due till now.

So yea, I guess I wanted to get that off my mind. Lot of trouble has crept into my life since all of this began, no doubt more. I'm prepared for things to get worse, fuck, I've predicted they would. Just a matter of when. Shit can't get done without the risks, I'm all for taking them, even if it means having go through rough patches with enemies or people who just dislike me. And we all know what the rough patches mean by now, with this track record and what usually happens.

I guess I'm typing this partially because of Ferus's warning declaration. Contacting Joshua brought up Billy, which brought up the Glass Man, which brought up more deaths that have happened since starting this. I don't know what to expect, so far this threat is proving to be less predictable than the previous ones. Advocate by far is the most unpredictable, mostly because he's bold and extreme in everything he does. Classic dare-devil behavior, ready for all extremes, heh. Ferus is more professional, calculated. Seeing him call to Executor and buisness being done between them alarms me too. Off the bat I'm displeased at what he previously did to the Glass Man but allowing that to influence everything would make me no different than the minds I'm trying change. And honestly, I hate it, but that's just one of those... "Little feelings" I can damn well live with, just as I always have. So... I'll admit, I'm keeping an eye out carefully but really, I wouldn't be surprised to an attack coming forth. It's highly unlikely an empty threat, from what I have gathered he doesn't say things he can't follow through with.

Heh. Well, he's a real gent for letting me heal on up quite a bit. This broken body will be of some use yet, I'd hate to have my spirit pull together a shattered body to fight with. That would be such an inconvience.

Whelp, I'm trained in the art of being fucked up. So what's the worse that can happen?
STAY TUNED, hahaha.

And stay safe too,
-Shady