Friday, May 20, 2011

Twenty-Third Post.

I think I fucked up my left thumb, flexing my hand out flat makes spike of pain shoot through it and to my wrist. Been like this two days now. I don't think it's just something I slept on funny either. It is not pleasant, I'll tell you that. I think my whole left arm is going to shit. On top of that my neck is starting to suffer alike problems my father has dealt with for many years now. A spinal sort of issue. Classic, eh? Body starting going to shit when I really need it.
Crossing fingers it isn’t that, though when do I ever have the luck in this family?

Fuck you, body. Fuck. You.

My mind has been playing games on me also. Tsk, tsk, tsk. I lost myself today while in the middle of making lunch. Mum was heading off to work when she found me sort of dazed out, the drawer to where the knives are kept open, one in hand. It wasn't like I didn't know what I was thinking, my mind was just focusing on these issues that kept surfacing. Don't get the wrong idea. I just sort of paused at an awkward time, giving her all the more reason not to trust me in the kitchen. I keep losing focus, my mind replaying over things I have already dissected. It's like my mind is pushing forth already analyzed information and trying to make me second guess it. I put up barriers, I force it back, but it keeps coming. It's like fucking spam.

I'm starting to think this is what the Executor left. His message, I mean. I saw his post, I know something was left. Whatever it is it's pushing forth a hell of a lot of negative thoughts or trying to get me to rethink things in a negative fashion. Second guessing a lot of things now. Heh. Doubt. Really, Executor? REALLY? How can you make a person who doubts nearly everything, who is suspicious of everyone, who is just now, after eighteen--nearly nineteen fucking years, starting to trust people, fucking DOUBT?

Bleh. You can't see it, any of you, him, or Him even, but I'm just waving you off. Yep. Bleh.
Analyze that in a bit.

Honestly... I feel suspicious. About myself, towards them, towards everyone. This message, whatever was left by him feels like it has been festering for a while now. I think it's just amplifying the open cage, though. I feel stressed now since he left. My mind is strained trying to deflect this judgements on what I've already processed. It's frustrating. My humanity demands to look someone in the face and tell them all this but I cannot. I have no one. MysterCultist said I was alone over here, he is right. I am. My family knows nothing of this and it will remain that way, forever oblivious to their little girl. God, the disappointment I would be, a bigger one than I already am now no doubt. Fucks sake.

I can't do it anymore. I can't let them get attached further. Suspicion... Shit, I feel like something bad is coming. I was watching them tonight and damnit... It was nice. My sibling was a bit crabby but nothing new, just being in one room together for an hour was... Nice. It really was. But I can't let them think they need me, the chances of something happening are high. Even with my own survival instincts, my willpower, whatever the hell else you want to throw in there. My sibling and I are not close but we are at the same time. It's... So difficult, living like that with the rest of my family. Black sheep out of the whole, but with the immediate I am just the one that stands on neutral ground. Trust me enough but yet not at all. Have to keep the distance. It will be easier for them, even if it hurting me.

Big girl though, right? Always protected the family. Always protected the kin. Was always the big girl to stand in front of them. Always them... Always.

Never will let them protect me.


I'll so sooner die before I see them harmed by my affairs.

On top of that I already have seen, have heard what they are willing to take interest in and what they are willing to actually believe. There is a difference. Not returning to how it was when the cage was last open. Those few scattered memories are not worth it. I feel like such a bad person to be blinding them like this, erasing myself from them bit by bit... It hurts. But now is no time to worry on that, focus girl. Focus real hard for they have to not be able to realize just what you aim to do. Keep quiet now, girl. You've got plans to protect them.
I'm sorry for being a failure in your eyes but behind the curtain I'm more than what I seem.

It's alright, really. From what I know I'm used to this, but this particular feeling, well... It's just increased. This could be the Executor's little message just screwing with me, but somewhere I know still it is necessary to do this. They won't even realize it, I'll carry their burden with my own. It's so ridiculous for me to be saying this, right? You guys are probably like "oooh, it's too late" and what not. You know what? Screw you. The least I can do is lessen their pain when everything goes to hell. That would probably be the best thing I've ever been able to do for them. Aside from that they have yet to be attacked (which I am not egging on happening either) so either interest is lacking with them or He and the others know that there will be happy terms should they try.
Watching them sleep, ax in hand.
...Why the fuck did that image pop up? Memories, right? Right? If it's a memory then... Did I do that already? Did He or the others try doing that and they won't now? Fucking damnit! Just more to analyze!

My family will be cast out from the light of these affairs, even if I have disown myself from them. Friends? She is gone, he is being let go without realizing it. Friends... Fucks sake. Mystery was right, I am alone over here, in the flesh. Become so used to it you just don't notice.

I should go now. I can feel these second guesses trying to make me type bullshit here.
Shit... I'm shaking without reason. All I feel is suspicion. Goddamnit... THINK. You just found trust. Trust in them. No matter what. Trust in them. Focus, woman, fucking listen, listen... Listen to your own voice now. Kin will be fine, plans have been put into motion. The others can help, can handle things. Just... Work on fixing yourself. Where is the super glue? You're cracking, you're breaking... Shit, shit, shit... You were never this fragile. STOP CRACKING!
Bad feeling. Bad. Just, bad. Don't know where it is coming from, it's just there. My instincts are going crazy. I'm watching but I can't stay awake forever. I can't. It's not over. Bad feeling. So many questions. So many answers. Theories, information... No, bad feeling. Watching you, watching for you. You'll take me fighting or not at all. Implant this doubt, tch. I know how to break me, you don't. Heh... You don't. These layers... So many--

I need to go. I just... I can't keep typing here right now.
I just need to sit. Just sit and turn off all the light. All the sound. Just sit and fix myself.
Broken mind, broken body. Rotting away. So ugly.


Find safety in something, keep it close. Hold it to your heart, to your fire, to your core... They can't take it.
Find safety and keep safe with whatever or whoever it may be,


  1. I'm sorry I used those words. A poor choice. I shouldn't have brought it up at all. I'm not a next door neighbor, but I'm not that far from you. You know I'll come if I'm needed. It's an unbelievable burden to keep one's family in the dark. I know. But the alternative is that they think you're crazy and dismiss your fears as madness, or they believe you and become even bigger targets. There's no good answer.

  2. No need to apologize. Knowing you aren't far is nice actually. The choice of words were true nonetheless, something I can always count on you to tell me. I am not upset, just acknowledging my situation. I am calmer now.

    It is true. Either way it not good, but this way they will have less pain to deal with and won't be outcasts for having a crazy daughter. Thanks, Mystery. It is nice to hear someone else speak my thoughts. Makes me feel less crazy, heh.

    Stay safe.

  3. I cannot process what I should say to you. I would not know what to suggest, as I do not have a family similar to yours. I am not the only Child and Sibling that is aware of my Father and his Children. All I am able to say to you is that you may have to merely follow what your instincts are saying.

    I would not have made a comment if I did not wish to speak with you again. Your company is a lantern that lights a bit of my cage when I am not feeling bright. I assume you are not feeling very bright either lately, as you seem to obtain many frustrating decisions to make. I hope, as well, that you may find your own lantern to light even a fraction of your despair, no matter how slim it may be.

    Keep in mind the promise you have made to me. This includes your family, Shady. Keep them close, keep them safe, as they are precious. And another promise you must make: Do not go insane. Try anything to stay alert. Perhaps if you were around Fighters like you, things would be easier to handle.

    Your safety is important to me. When I am wired up and dragged from society, "this" is what can distract me from the rotten smell, the tasteless food, and the sounds of suffering. So please, stay safe Sister.

  4. My instincts tell me to prepare and so I am and so I have. You wish for me to make so many promises, do you already secretly know how hard I work to ensure my word is kept? Family will be safe now, even now they do not realize it. I am smiling when I look at them, fondness, sadness, it mingles between the two. I am going to miss them. But this all, stepping out from being invisible and joining, so much of it is for them. Protecting their world, their little... Oblivious world--World they find beautiful. They are kept close, their safety ensured.

    A promise on insanity? How interesting. Being surrounded by my partners I doubt would have much of an affect. They can delay and settle the anxiety but it will not dismiss itself. This is more than just the present. This is the past. You live in a physical cage (which I would also argue is a mental/emotional/psychological one as well another time), the cage I have open is not. What was is now what is for the moment, who I was is now clashing with who I am. Monster left behind, god I despise her.

    I won't say I know insanity, no. I know how it is to to mingle close to it, to slowly be pulled into its gravity. Like hell I'd become her again.

    Your words never cease to amaze me, Trinity. Despite what surrounds you I can still see beauty, it is revealing itself more and more. Why Sister? I am not one of your Siblings. I thought it was restricted to them?

    Your promises will be kept either way.
    You stay safe too, dear. Your safety is just as important to me, your life just as precious.

  5. Stay strong old friend. I'll be sure no harm comes to you despite recent events.

  6. Thank you, Shady. I do not wish to ask too much of you, to make you promise what you cannot truly accomplish.

    You are like a Sister, I believe. In the true sense of the word, combined not by appearance but by genuine likeness. Not only to me, but to so many others. You refuse to give up on those you love. If I am correct, true Sisters help their Siblings. Give advice, try to protect, care greatly for one another. You have given me advice in different ways, and I have tried to do the same for you. I may be bound by the chains and wire and stone that surrounds me, but protection is not always physical. I have tried to care.

    Beauty? Beauty in the environment I have lived in since I was reborn into this "family"? Beauty in these people? Ronald, myself? Or beauty in these friendships I force myself to create because I still have not overcome the loneliness of this place? Your eyes are so wise, although I cannot see it as you do, Shady. And I am amazed at your bravery to continue.

    So many promises you must already keep stored in your memory, hmm? I do not wish to over exhaust you. I only hope you may experience splendid sleep yourself tonight, although that may be unlike...

  7. ...I can't even think on how to address that, An Operator. I truly just cannot right now.


    Trinity, promises are not a burden. They are a motivation to be better than I was yesterday, for my kin, for my friends, against my enemies, for you as well.

    Amazing. I will admit I am surprised to be considered such, and honored even. Your trying is showing, Trinity. I hope to offer you the same, and even more. You do not deserve to be bound and chained like so.

    Which leads me to the beauty. I meant you, silly. You're beautiful, even if I cannot see you. The way you speak, look at the world, your compassion... Everything. You are not forcing yourself to create friendships, you're doing it because you need it, you know you need and/or want it. I think there is beauty in you still locked away, bound within that cage of yours. There are few I have been able to find beauty within, you're radiating it, dear.

    If I could remember them all I would give you an exact number. Sadly, my mind would rather keep the secrets for now. Like I said, promises are not a burden. I'm sure I'll rest just fine tonight, I could use an early sleep, extra few hours, haha. Thank you, for everything, Trinity. I really hope you can be free of your cage soon, if not I'm very tempted to find it and rip it open for you.

  8. It's alright, not many can. I've gone to great lengths so my masters will not know of this. Do not announce my presence to anyone, or tell Callahan, or Patrick, especially not Patrick.

  9. You should excuse the Lady from that reply, Operator. It has been experiencing some mental issues since my last visit. Announcing your presence to them concerns you? Intriguing. You should not worry about just them knowing. Many eyes watch.

  10. My lovely, wise Shady. You can not reach me now, can you? My tears fall for you, knowing advisor. I now feel the distress, the pain you have mentions so many times before...When a loved one is hurt. I only wish for your safety, my Shady.

    You must remember the promise you have made to me! You have given me your word! It must be my fault. You took a rest, lovely Shady, and you have been taken from me. I cannot run and find you now. I will...I will come and get you, my Shady. I will rescue you from your dreams...