I think I fucked up my left thumb, flexing my hand out flat makes spike of pain shoot through it and to my wrist. Been like this two days now. I don't think it's just something I slept on funny either. It is not pleasant, I'll tell you that. I think my whole left arm is going to shit. On top of that my neck is starting to suffer alike problems my father has dealt with for many years now. A spinal sort of issue. Classic, eh? Body starting going to shit when I really need it.
Crossing fingers it isn’t that, though when do I ever have the luck in this family?
Fuck you, body. Fuck. You.
My mind has been playing games on me also. Tsk, tsk, tsk. I lost myself today while in the middle of making lunch. Mum was heading off to work when she found me sort of dazed out, the drawer to where the knives are kept open, one in hand. It wasn't like I didn't know what I was thinking, my mind was just focusing on these issues that kept surfacing. Don't get the wrong idea. I just sort of paused at an awkward time, giving her all the more reason not to trust me in the kitchen. I keep losing focus, my mind replaying over things I have already dissected. It's like my mind is pushing forth already analyzed information and trying to make me second guess it. I put up barriers, I force it back, but it keeps coming. It's like fucking spam.
I'm starting to think this is what the Executor left. His message, I mean. I saw his post, I know something was left. Whatever it is it's pushing forth a hell of a lot of negative thoughts or trying to get me to rethink things in a negative fashion. Second guessing a lot of things now. Heh. Doubt. Really, Executor? REALLY? How can you make a person who doubts nearly everything, who is suspicious of everyone, who is just now, after eighteen--nearly nineteen fucking years, starting to trust people, fucking DOUBT?
Bleh. You can't see it, any of you, him, or Him even, but I'm just waving you off. Yep. Bleh.
Analyze that in a bit.
Honestly... I feel suspicious. About myself, towards them, towards everyone. This message, whatever was left by him feels like it has been festering for a while now. I think it's just amplifying the open cage, though. I feel stressed now since he left. My mind is strained trying to deflect this judgements on what I've already processed. It's frustrating. My humanity demands to look someone in the face and tell them all this but I cannot. I have no one. MysterCultist said I was alone over here, he is right. I am. My family knows nothing of this and it will remain that way, forever oblivious to their little girl. God, the disappointment I would be, a bigger one than I already am now no doubt. Fucks sake.
I can't do it anymore. I can't let them get attached further. Suspicion... Shit, I feel like something bad is coming. I was watching them tonight and damnit... It was nice. My sibling was a bit crabby but nothing new, just being in one room together for an hour was... Nice. It really was. But I can't let them think they need me, the chances of something happening are high. Even with my own survival instincts, my willpower, whatever the hell else you want to throw in there. My sibling and I are not close but we are at the same time. It's... So difficult, living like that with the rest of my family. Black sheep out of the whole, but with the immediate I am just the one that stands on neutral ground. Trust me enough but yet not at all. Have to keep the distance. It will be easier for them, even if it hurting me.
Big girl though, right? Always protected the family. Always protected the kin. Was always the big girl to stand in front of them. Always them... Always.
Never will let them protect me.
I'll so sooner die before I see them harmed by my affairs.
On top of that I already have seen, have heard what they are willing to take interest in and what they are willing to actually believe. There is a difference. Not returning to how it was when the cage was last open. Those few scattered memories are not worth it. I feel like such a bad person to be blinding them like this, erasing myself from them bit by bit... It hurts. But now is no time to worry on that, focus girl. Focus real hard for they have to not be able to realize just what you aim to do. Keep quiet now, girl. You've got plans to protect them.
I'm sorry for being a failure in your eyes but behind the curtain I'm more than what I seem.
It's alright, really. From what I know I'm used to this, but this particular feeling, well... It's just increased. This could be the Executor's little message just screwing with me, but somewhere I know still it is necessary to do this. They won't even realize it, I'll carry their burden with my own. It's so ridiculous for me to be saying this, right? You guys are probably like "oooh, it's too late" and what not. You know what? Screw you. The least I can do is lessen their pain when everything goes to hell. That would probably be the best thing I've ever been able to do for them. Aside from that they have yet to be attacked (which I am not egging on happening either) so either interest is lacking with them or He and the others know that there will be happy terms should they try.
Watching them sleep, ax in hand.
...Why the fuck did that image pop up? Memories, right? Right? If it's a memory then... Did I do that already? Did He or the others try doing that and they won't now? Fucking damnit! Just more to analyze!
My family will be cast out from the light of these affairs, even if I have disown myself from them. Friends? She is gone, he is being let go without realizing it. Friends... Fucks sake. Mystery was right, I am alone over here, in the flesh. Become so used to it you just don't notice.
I should go now. I can feel these second guesses trying to make me type bullshit here.
FUCK YOU! YOU AREN'T THE SAME VOICE!
Shit... I'm shaking without reason. All I feel is suspicion. Goddamnit... THINK. You just found trust. Trust in them. No matter what. Trust in them. Focus, woman, fucking listen, listen... Listen to your own voice now. Kin will be fine, plans have been put into motion. The others can help, can handle things. Just... Work on fixing yourself. Where is the super glue? You're cracking, you're breaking... Shit, shit, shit... You were never this fragile. STOP CRACKING!
Bad feeling. Bad. Just, bad. Don't know where it is coming from, it's just there. My instincts are going crazy. I'm watching but I can't stay awake forever. I can't. It's not over. Bad feeling. So many questions. So many answers. Theories, information... No, bad feeling. Watching you, watching for you. You'll take me fighting or not at all. Implant this doubt, tch. I know how to break me, you don't. Heh... You don't. These layers... So many--
I need to go. I just... I can't keep typing here right now.
I just need to sit. Just sit and turn off all the light. All the sound. Just sit and fix myself.
Broken mind, broken body. Rotting away. So ugly.
Find safety in something, keep it close. Hold it to your heart, to your fire, to your core... They can't take it.
Find safety and keep safe with whatever or whoever it may be,