I'm treating this post like any other, despite the date. Those who are unaware, no, this is not an important date. This is not a birthday, a holiday, or someday of value... Per-say. I've been threatened all week that by the end of this week I would be dead. It is apparently due to my interference, "debugging" proxies, and voicing myself in objecting to Him. It is Saturday night or very early Sunday morning as I would consider it. This is the final day, should Bad Man Walking had not been bluffing like he was previously. I am suspicious to believing both. On one hand there have been some strange occurrences, such as Mr. Sunshine seems to have temporarily vanished since Bad Man Walking came around. It is my guess he backed off, and I could see why as this fellow cares not to kill his own "brethren". Without the dreams with Mr. Sunshine I've been stuck with either ones about another fellow whom shall remain anonymous. They are less frequent, which makes me think perhaps this is not a bluff. Perhaps the dreams have died off because I am intended to be killed off. On top of that I have noticed (as mentioned in my previous post) that I feel like I am being watched always. Only when things get moved around is that feeling died down, which makes me think I am not seeing what is there for some reason or another, and when its focus is on something else (mind fuckery by misplacing my shit) that is when the feeling dims. But it remains somewhat, as a light vibe due to the presence there nonetheless. I've noticed that a few of my "Common Sense Traps" have been disabled as well. I didn't bother fixing them either. Too good of a time to be attacked, I merely noted the disarmed ones and shall use it still. Should Bad Man Walking be coming he has made it into his own disadvantage. He's giving me a time frame, rather than a surprise attack, I've had time to map out which places he's been due to disarmed traps, and should that have been him I was "sensing" then I know what to feel for when he's nearby. Shame on you.
If this is a bluff I'm going to sleep in on Monday, then on Tuesday fuck you over virtually, Bad Man Walking. Do you know how difficult it is to hide an ax in a tiny room? Makes shit awkward.
I don't know what I am expecting. Part of me thinks he's bluffing, much like some of the other proxies we see here. Trying to scare people with their harshness and mockery. Gut instincts tell me otherwise, though. I have yet to notice a proxy that has claimed to be a murderer or psychopath prior to being turned. It concerns me because this could mean, unlike other proxies that taunt via internet he could be motivated as an obsessed murderer to carry out his threats. After hammering away at making a profile on him the only real conclusions I can grasp is that he is most likely truthful on when he says he was of murderous intent prior to joining Him. The descriptions I have noticed mentioned by him are classic sociopath patterns, killing animals as a child seems to be mentioned a few times. The detachment and lack of care leans to lacking in emotions. Yet, he displays he just does what makes him "happy" which only adds to the creepy factor. It would also explain why he would murder his own "brethren" and was (by my guess and the way he speaks about it) forced to stop by Him. I called him a psychopath before for this reason: While sociopaths lack in emotions or finding things of emotional value, they tend to have better temperment. Hence, why a lot of them blend in amongst us. Psychopaths on the other hand are impulsive, have a bad temper, they are basically the louder one between the two. Which we can see is pretty much Bad Man Walking.
I am so fricking tired right now but I want to write this out. No, this is not some last word shit, because I do not intend to die if this is not a bluff. This is the basics so you all know he IS a danger. He throws away like, referring to people, even his own kind as cattle or sheep. To him, it would seem like Slender Man is the only thing above him, while everything else is prey or potential prey. I wouldn't even throw out the idea that He is even prey to this guy, though he does not act on it. I want to make this clear: He will fucking kill you. I don't care how he pretties up his words, he's not a recruiter, he's made it clear his only intent and purpose is to murder. fucking. everything. He calls himself a Hunter, but seems to prefer Executioner, as if it is different because of what he does in comparison to the proxy behavior we are more used to seeing. Considering all things, I can agree it's different and all the more dangerous.
Anyways, keep that in mind. If he comes and I screw up with this broken body, I'm gone. You guys need to be warned. Don't be tempted by his demeanor, his personality is false. He wears a mask that looks like us and at the same time not.
I keep hearing coughing from on my porch but every time I check it out nothing is there. The rocking chair seems to have shifted, that's about it. Mr. Sunshine doesn't make a sound, which is why I am typing this out rather than shrugging it off and waiting for a next post. I haven't had the time to buy a new knife, so fuck it, I'm stuck with my pocket knife and the kitchen ones. I placed the ax in a convenient little spot, so I think it is safe to sleep in here. I'm forcing myself to sleep lightly nonetheless, keeping everything lucid-based.
I'll be honest, I've nailed a few people with punches since my body got screwed up, but it's been a bit since an actual physical fight. I've been keeping track on practicing, tactics, weapons, the works, still... It feels weird. To think I am going to be fighting for survival. I lost care in my own as long as I lived long enough to ensure those I care for/have come to care for are alright. I've known for a while now that wasn't good enough. I was isolated within my own mind for years, alone, independent. I remember that much, feeling without another. Not relying on anyone's embrace, always cold. Everything was so fucking cold, I couldn't feel my own heat, I should have been dead. I should have been fucking dead! Alone. I didn't need them; I didn't need anyone in that time. I lived for just surviving through that. So why... Why the hell did that drive go away? I am fighting to ensure the survival of others, despite what I think of myself, what I know of myself, why would my survival be reduced any lower than theirs? Especially when some of those I am trying to redeem have committed crimes that I have not. Yet I treat them equally, I acknowledge them as equals, but my life is still a fraction less significant when it comes to survival.
What is my worth? My value?
Ignorant, broken, crazy little girl. Fucking nothing.
Who am I if I do not fight for even myself? What happens when those I work to hold up vanish, and once more I am all alone? What would be my reason then to continue on? I'd be back within the blackness of my mind, watching myself as I just stood there numb for years on end.
Alone. Alone. Alone. Alone. Alone.
And I didn't know whether I hated it or found comfort being trapped in my own prison. All my values, everything was just gone. The one thing that was in the back of my head was surviving through it, being able to push myself up and untangle myself from the bed sheets.
What is your worth, what is your value?
I do not know. But what I can say is that it isn't anything less than yours. It's worth fighting for. It's worth surviving, even after I piece together those missing memories, even after I ensured the survival of these others. I'm not going to scramble for my life; I'm going to do the only sort of dancing I know. Raise your fists, raise your guns, raise your blades, raise whatever weapon you have be it physical or not. I cannot rely on others as my reason to push forward, finding self-worth is necessary. Am I worth it? You're here for a reason reading this, I'm worth something. I'm still young, despite people getting a different impression. I'm not going to assume my life is less important than another's. I've got a lot of learning to do and I sure as hell can't do that when I'm dead.
I think I'm going to get fucked up today. I've done some nasty things but if I am going to be facing this monster I'm going to have to bring what is inside my head into existence. Everything I am capable of but restrained from acting upon will be pulled forth. The cage within I will unlock. I can feel my own heart trembling just from typing it, and despite my concerns I can't help but smile now. The sort of smile that is rare and hardly a thing of beauty.
Never found much beautiful, if you all remember. I was never beautiful to begin with. You know from my previous post how ugly of a child I was. Despite using the same tricks now it isn't like it used to be. But I am not going to get anywhere unless I start unlocking doors, not just looking for physical evidence anymore.
It looks like this ugly duckling was never meant to become a swan.
I'll see you later, or not. Probably. If not I already said I'm going to come back and haunt the shit out of you all, so ha ha. I win.
Seriously, though, I'll open my eyes and get up again. No matter what. Monsters, even ex. ones don't know how to lay down and die.
I'll see you, bluff or not, my dears. Anyone starts lighting candles and I'll be pissed.
See you soon, bitch man,