I told Mystery I wanted to go back to the asylum and look for answers. Files, search the rooms, something. She wasn't happy, especially considering I just got back from my adventures with Victor. We got into a bit of an argument, she wouldn't let me go alone and after discussing who will be put on watch things mellowed out. Set Mr. Sunshine to guard duty and made sure everyone was all set-up before we left.
This blog post will be updating itself at 12:00 A.M. Eastern Time. The time we should be arriving at the asylum so all of you have a time estimation again.
I'll have my phone with me so I'll slip in replies if and when I notice them.
Catch you all later with the findings.
Also, Victor's pieces are still being written, I just need to get out of the mansion and this was a need to do. So, off I go with Mystery.
Speak to you guys shortly.
Stay safe,
-Shady
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Friday, August 26, 2011
Of Pasts Still Present: Part 1
This is the telling of my abduction. No, this is not with the Executor, a post I still promise to do. Just not now. This is about someone named Victor, I say someone because he's still a person and I will always treat him as such. You are all going to be reading my accounts of what occurred during those eleven days. You will know what I know, what I saw, felt, and experienced as a whole. But that's only one piece of it. Why? Because you'll also be experiencing Victor. If you think what you know now is something to make your blood boil or heart ache you'll see soon there are many things left in the darkness of the night to slumber.
At first I was not sure to post this. Can you guess by my time delay? It's not just the fact time distortion really fucks up the mind, you don't realize it's happening much until you're out of that distortion itself. Then everything just seems... Different. It took me a while to organize the information I am preparing to present now. I have just... An ungodly amount of papers here with scribbled words and drawings everywhere. Just notes to help me keep everything in order because I'll be damned if I'll trust my own mind in these times.
On top of that I was worried about whether or not Victor would even want this posted. The longer I debated on that the more I knew that he wouldn't have taken me and shown me such things if he didn't expect me to record them. This blog is about my experiences to help anyone in an alike position, they have to be clear and truthful while containing as many details as possible for all of you. And just a bit for me. This was something established at the start, the purpose of this blog. I used to scowl at the people who insulted Victor, even at the way start when my kindness meant little. I disliked the way they called him some stupid, crazy, psycho fuck. Now I find myself snickering like some crack head because the truth of the matter is he isn't stupid. Unstable a bit, surely, but not stupid. Victor is intelligent as hell, something I never doubted but perhaps this telling will shut some of those ignorant fucks up, eh?
I'm getting to it don't worry. Right now though you have to listen and not skim through all this rambling. Because the truth of the matter comes out here, the reason I am here even typing to you. You probably have noticed I am not a blubbering mess, right? Hopefully you're perceptive enough to see that. Some of those I live with have documented it, the mere fact I'm not on my slab of rock for a bed playing with the slinky is because of Victor. But to understand why Victor is the reason I am not a mess, not like before or even within worse condition, you have to go to the start of it all.
My origins of how I came to be here.
I won't go to the very beginning where it's all boring. I'll tell you where it picked up, where I watched and began to read all the horrors people were suffering because of one individual: "Slender Man". That time ago I wasn't as... Compassionate of a person, I was layered in some thin sheets of ice. My paranoia still stands but my trust is gradually coming back and with it has brought my ability to feel a little more than mere solitude. A solitude I was making for myself for the most part, might I add. I kept to the shadows of the blogs and vlogs recording all these instances, I stayed cloaked as an observer for a couple of years. Then I found MyDarkJournal, I wasn't fazed by the relations to big, tall, and fucked up. But there was a different sort of intensity with him. I briefly considered he was insane, a chaotic man... Possibly a beast. I watched every video he had and read every blog entry, and at this time there weren't all too many. I backtracked, watched everything again, reread, I skimmed comments even. Oh, you think that's bad? You have no idea the lengths I went to try and learn this fellow.
I followed his rise into terror upon Youtube. The people he reeled in were all confused and scared, a few handfuls curious and even rarer few encouraging. A person in my position back then, the usual loner, secluded watcher, etc. wouldn't have dared to step from the shadows. But there was more, I knew. There was so much more to Victor than people were seeing or allowing themselves to believe. His actions were and still aren't without reason and that reason I wanted to learn and understand. The moments where his suffering showed were the motivation I needed to exit my safe haven, to pull from my semi-blind state and fall into a war I was only watching. You see folks, Victor is the reason I am here now. He was my first pledge, to help and protect, perhaps save even someday. Oh yes, does that sound ever so naive, eh? Heh. No. It still stands, it will always stand. My first pledge was and still is to this man and he knew not.
I inquired in the start of it all. There was never a moment I did not offer kindness unto him, hoping he'd recognize sincerity within this dying world. He attempted to show me some form of mercy by severing ties but later returned for whatever reasons. So continued the growth of our communications, so continued his tale in which I inquired further upon and pursued with the same sincerity I had then and still have now.
The beginning of a naive young woman who was trying to make herself believe the world was worth saving. Still is. Is it? Yes. But we will not learn that the way we are proceeding to do things now. We can't end more suffering by adding more, that's just adding lighter fluid to the fire. Knowing Victor's experiences, his own history and understanding how it factors into today matters. It teaches us the causes for why our broken world is cracking further. It motivates some to do worse, yes, but it motivates more to do better than they were to make the change and reel the two halves back together as one. And Victor, I hope when you read this you see there are more out there that want that, to fix this world and change it for the better, without the suffering and hate. I hope you see this and realize not everyone is to blame, for there are others who would have died if they could to protect you and yours had they been around back then. I being one of them. It might not mean much to you personally but the world won't change if you don't give it the chance to.
You see why I do not sob and whimper, yes? While he very much is an intimidating figure (not just due to the size difference, heh) there are many more important things to look at. While there was potential for me to not come back and that there should have been fear in the possibility... There was not. I cannot hate or fear someone I have pledged to, only fear for them and loathe for them as well. On top of that he is known to keep his word and isn't lacking in intelligence and some self-control. Even if the latter does slip.
Now... Let us begin with the arrival of Victor.
----
I'll be honest here, it's difficult to recall yourself when within such a dulled out state. Have you ever had an observer dream? You most likely have, it's where you are stuck watching events and have no control what-so-ever. To best put it, that was my state in a way. My mind was unfocused; when I acknowledged someone else it didn't last or went unheard. I was watching myself die from the inside. I was listening to the Caged One slowly wither as a piece of our... My past was severed. Everything was splitting in two, she was dragging my past into madness and I could feel my present state succumbing to the original host.
What do I remember, though? Sitting for hours just watching and listening to the metal slinky in my hands. Barely able to feel the weight bounce back and forth between my hands. Fidgeting... I couldn't stop my hands from shaking or making these patterns I couldn't even make out. Half the time I just fell into this dead state, I could feel my body in motion and hands moving but I could see nothing. It was just emptiness, distant, everything.
We were at the fire, I think. Yea, Mystery's post tells me that. I remember the warmth of the flames, barely. Mystery was near me, I could see her from the corners of my eyes despite not looking at her. But... I didn't need to look at her to know she was there. I just felt her, I felt her familiarity and it was nice. Somewhere in that horrid state I felt nice in her company. I was plucking at the hem of my shirt I remember, my hands traced to my arm at the slinky. I wanted to start it up again but didn't. I plucked at it a few times through the sleeve of my jacket, tempted to begin another session but kept tugging at the thing on my wrist instead. Maybe it was for Mystery I was trying to divert myself from continuing? Deargod that woman put up with it for hours... Thank who the hell ever for her patience.
Whatever it was we were doing meant nothing. When the first bang came we were up. I was... Moving. Fidgeting, going forward trying to do something. Looking around, yea. Axe, I wanted my axe. I tried to look for it in my still position, my eyes looking briefly at the door that was cracked and indented. There was a pause that lasted a few seconds or something and then the door was knocked off the frame and landed a good distance into the mansion. The red rays of the setting sun flooded our home more and blanketed a figure I knew all too well. I couldn't move and breathing nearly stopped at the sight of that sledgehammer. Fear for everyone spiked but I was frozen, not with shock or my own fear, I was just crippled in this state of mindfuckery. Not just from Victor's sudden appearance but the causes of why I was in that state to begin with. I just couldn't react.
When the sound of his heavy boots came I just knew what direction. I couldn't look at him for long; just brief passings from a state of lunacy I was falling back into. A state I was becoming all too familiar with by the bleeding memories. I noticed a bear trap I had reset on his arm, worry coursed in me on the inside but he paid zero mind to it. A figure of white, smaller than Victor, came from behind. The Oracle I was able to make out with my fleeting glances. And then a masked face I didn't want to even think of came in, Road Runner, and ripped the Oracle from the frame of the door before she could even enter.
He just kept coming my way. I really should have expected this more. He keeps his word and when he said he'd come for me at dusk I should have known better. Maybe it would have helped if I wasn't there at all when dusk came, or maybe not. Ohgod, when I saw Mr. Sunshine crawling from the pits of darkness just as the tip of Victor's shadow laid at my sneakers he tackled the larger man. Bad Man Walking was a big fucker, Mr. Sunshine just as much, but Victor is just a whole different level. The difference in size was just alarming. I watched as Mr. Sunshine mauled Victor to the ground only to be hit with the sledgehammer in his torso, the bigger of the two already up on his feet in a split second. It hurt to watch Sunshine be chucked like a ragdoll, I tried to react but I couldn't. I wanted him to just stop attacking but he continued. Attempting to tackle Victor again but it didn't work at all, Victor just grabbed him and began beating him senseless with the bear trap from his arm.
Warmth surged through the ice that had covered me since Billy's death; I could feel the stinging in my eyes again even if it was just for a moment. God, it never felt so good to scream even if it was to cease Victor from caving Sunshine's skull.
But it worked. Sunshine just dropped from his grasp and he turned upon me. Mystery jumped in front but I could feel the eyes I couldn't see. The black pits of the mask, void with an intensity words cannot describe. My heart hammered, I flinched scooting my foot forward by a fraction. My mind screamed no for Mystery's sake. One second he was approach us both and the next in front of me. From the corners of my eyes I could see Trinity sprinting and I hoped to whatever god was out there and maybe listening to spare her from any sights of hell that Victor may unleash.
If I wasn't trapped within my own body that was losing it, my mind already going as the Caged One fell to the madness she once knew, I would be frozen by the sheer pressure his unseen stare emitted. The shadow enveloping me felt like Executor's restraints binding me to that metal table that short time ago. I found my feet off the ground, being picked up by this giant.
Everything around us seemed to darken, as if the lights were going out across the world one by one. Everything from the mansion faded and nothing but blackness surrounded us. We were moving, I knew this. Like sitting in a moving car, you just know even without looking out the windows. It wasn't long, I would consider it awkward if I wasn't in such an expressionless state of being. Surrounded in all that blackness was familiar. Thought I was dreaming again, waited, even hoped for the comfort of it to return. Victor's hand (wherever his hand(s) is/are) a firm reminder it was anything but. I've never felt so light before in my life, felt like a feather he was holding and avoiding breaking in two. It's strange how Victor can make you feel so small, not just literally.
In the nothingness of shadows around us I could hear him, nearly silent if not for the shallow breathes beneath the mask. The surroundings of shifted, shadows casting into various directions as we pulled out of the darkness. Granted, it was still dark as fuck but there were shades and variations, more than the blackness had. We ended up in a forest that seemed endless, not just because it was night but because it just was massive alone. Sun had mostly set now, there must have been a sliver left from our short journey to who knows where on the planet. He walked a few feet and I was able to make out a cemetery, the sun falling into hiding obscuring a chunk of details. I knew it wasn't just my fucked up state though when I saw the condition of the area. Old, in ruins for the most part. Everything either crumbled or looked on the verge of it.
Victor placed me on my feet and began walking. I squinted briefly, my fingers picking at the sleeve of my jacket as I looked around. I took a few steps forward and hit into something fuzzy, swatting immediately at a piece of moss. Looking up I could see it all hanging from the threes, growing on the tombstones and having spread across the area. Unfamiliar territory came to mind as I looked over everything, realizing the only thing that was familiar was the man that brought me there. Victor and he was heading towards a small cabin. I hurried over to him and caught up, everything seemed so surreal. I kept feeling myself pinch and tug and fricking poke at not only my own sleeves but some objects in reach. When I reached Victor my mind ticked on its own, body reacting, heh... Man, you got to love when you're aware your own body isn't always listening to you, when your mind is splitting in two. The Caged One reached out and tugged on his sleeve, there was a pause in his steps and the white masked turned down once more. I had nothing to say, no explanation to give and I doubted one that made sense could even be said. How do you explain to someone you might think they aren't really there and shit isn't really happening around you? That minor action was enough to assure me for a bit.
After a moment, maybe realizing that I had nothing to say, he continued forward towards the cabin and opened the door. I followed him into the cabin, eyes adjusting to the lighting. Instantly my attention was brought to a young man standing up abruptly from a table, surprise seeming to appear on his face. I noticed though it wasn't aimed towards Victor, a short glance before examining over the odd one out. I tugged down the sleeves of my jacket as Victor pulled away and tucked himself into the corner of the cabin to stand, watching. It wasn't hard to figure out when you could actually feel his gaze.
I focused the best I could, which wasn't easy when half of you has given up while the other half is clinging to reality by a thread. The guy introduced themselves as the Culwyns, offered a hand and out of instinct I found my body lurching backwards. It took a moment to unclench the stiff muscles but by then his hand had fallen, a hoarse "sorry" managed to break through. It was the most I could offer like that. The kid glanced back at the elder who in age had to be in his seventies or around there. The man didn't at all seem bothered by Victor or myself even there, familiarity then at least with one of us which opened up so many more questions. The kid, who I was guessing to be the grandson by now, was speaking to me again. My hand was rubbing the side of my head, like that would help me hear anything better. Managed to catch some broken English, he was asking questions that I couldn't make out. I could feel her, Caged One clawing against the walls of my mind, I wasn't going to last. The focus was dying, the dazed state was creeping back into play.
Unfamiliar. Not home. Where is home? Why aren't we home? Where is the palace of white...
By the time I noticed the hand on my elbow I was already seated and it was off me. I glanced around before looking back to the young man, his German accent tuning in more clearly for a moment. The words I caught hold of were addressed politely, I feel bad at how much of a shit state I was in to begin with. My hand held my throat, trying to get out something reasonable to what I was picking up from him, which wasn't much to begin with. It seemed him and the old man were in the business of secrecy when it came to Victor, whose name was popping up a few times.
He motioned to the room and I found myself following the motion his hand went in, glancing around the small cabin. It looked like such, an old little home that's been around for a long while now. The set-up for video work along with a computer, printer, and what not all in one corner. The only part that stood out, almost out of era even. The grandson had said Victor sends his messages through them, it was a brief explanation about how they post everything online for him. I looked away from the set-up, briefly sliding my gaze upon the motionless Victor in the corner still, before settling back on the grandson. My hand on my throat tightened as I muttered out the name no one knows me by, one that was practically dead. The damn name I didn't know if Victor knew I had until now. Fucks sake, the one thing I am withholding as long as I can for personal reasons. Days spent torn between silence or lengthy hours of muttering to one’s self can make for a sore throat, especially after the mourning fits. Was no doubt feeling it. Pile on Road Runner's assault to my torso still hurt like hell, breathing I barely wanted to do let alone talk.
That's when I found out a little more, though, once an introduction was made. I learned that they were the caretakers of the memorial park and local cemetery. Elaborated a little more on how he posted online as told to, through his grandfather, through Victor. My brows furrowed at trying to focus on his words, the grandfather's voice came in speaking in German and stopping the grandson from speaking all together. I guess he must have noticed, I leaned my head into my hand and listened the best I could, watching as the grandson pulled from the table and out of my line of sight.
I was stuck looking at the grandfather who wasn't much of a talker. I felt the visual examination, probably asking why the hell this unstable woman was in his house. A plate landed in front of me, I could feel the heat from it warming my cold skin. The grandson came back into my line of sight leaned down motioning to it before disappearing again. It's pretty shitty I couldn't remember the last time I ate. Hell, Mystery tried feeding me, made sure it got through to me by body needed it. I wasn't motivated at all, felt no hunger, felt nothing. But it didn't matter because even I knew it was necessary.
The grandson placed down a drink before sitting back in the same chair. Him and his grandfather exchanged very brief words before attention came back to the third party. The kid didn't make any acknowledgement towards Victor since the first one, ignoring the man who was no doubt still there. Swallowing wasn't pleasant, having to focus on making sure food went down and stayed down was worse. The sleeves once more were tugged down, bruised body hidden away. The drink helped at least and picking up the grandson's voice as he spoke helped to distract until all was done.
I stared at my hand shaking lightly, feeling as if gravity was pulling it down. My body felt weighted and immediately alarms set off in my head. I pushed from the table abruptly and stood as my vision blurred, everything I did to try and stay awake in those few seconds were meaningless as the drugs kicked in and I blacked out.
For once the blackness was just that, black, not a whisper not a word. Of silence and patience and all that was peaceful. And then his screaming filled the void and there was nothing but emptiness once more. Another night of Billy's suffering, something I was paying dearly for.
It wasn't until later in the night when I woke up on bed, hands tied in front of me. Something I was grateful for with my current physical state. I kicked myself up to a sitting position and felt around for my knife, gone. Cellphone, gone, slinky, gone, personal affects I carried on my person were all gone. I took a second to wake my brain up. I felt a bit less sickly from exhaustion being reduced by some. Standing up I wandered to the door and pried it open, peeking out of it. The grandfather caught sight of me and hit the table catching the grandson's attention, a finger shoved in my direction as I slipped from the room. He sounded like he slipped an apology for the drugging but I wasn't paying much attention, the room held no familiarity to it. He wasn't there. I questioned where Victor was and was directed to the door, a finger pointing to the graveyard.
Late in the night or maybe early in the morning I found myself wandering out to the cemetery and finding Victor's massive form laying at the foot two graves. The overgrown cemetery glowing slightly under the light of the moon, I found myself leaning down to glance at the names to those that owned the tombstones. He laid before a Genivieve Sellwyn, his wife I recognized by the first name. The second being that of Cassandra Sellwyn, the daughter I guessed to be. He slept at the foot of theirs but the third name caught my eye, a tombstone that read Victor Sellwyn, one just for him besides theirs.
It is strange how easy it is to remember him lying there silently even now. I crouched down for a few minutes just to take in the details, admiring this man in repose as he remained as motionless in his rest as he did when he was awake. I felt intrusive, debated to go back even till the sun came, but couldn't.
He didn't look much different from our encounter at the asylum, less bloody and what not. The white mask would have been easy to tilt then but it never registered now that I think about it. Too much respect has been given to him to have such considered. What I already knew made the sight of this, where he laid, all the more painful. It wasn't hard to reflect on what I had wanted, what I had written before about wishing to do the same to Billy's grave and pretend it was during our time of youth and we were all just stargazing. That none of this has ever happened that the future, my present, never existed. All this hurt not solely for him but for the ones I couldn't remember now most of all for Victor. The start of everything. Who would have guessed I'd be sitting there watching him rest, him in his onetime to be at peace. I hoped that maybe in the future there could be such for even me before mentally snorting at the likelihood at finding peace before death. But if he got to be at peace that made me happy, perhaps he could see them. I knew not what his daughter looked like but I imagined seeing his wife's lovely face meant much as well.
I partially expected Victor to awaken at my approach within the night. Maybe he had and saw no need to get up just yet, I don't know. I felt worried at his frozen state, the worst starting to surface in my severely paranoid mind. The Caged One whimpered somewhere in the blackness as negative thoughts about another death, specifically his. I tried to shush her--me, ughs... I tried to shush the Caged One, scooting closer to his form and trying to see some sort of sign he was still breathing... Or if he was even to begin with. I leaned over him and reached out for his hand, my own two tied together making it rather troublesome. Slipping my fingers beneath his sleeve I felt for a pulse, waiting, hoping.
I briefly thought Victor was awake by the sudden intensity, the vibe felt when unseen eyes are watching. This wasn't like before, though. My skin prickled with an unknown reason, my own body falling less out of my control. It felt as if the ground beneath me was gone, my insides flipped at the feeling of falling yet I was still seated in the same position. Still hunched over Victor who was still motionless. Panic struck and I looked up to find Him too close for comfort, the creature from the woods, the dreams. The eerily thin frame of Him is what I noticed first, the lanky arms dangling at His sides; down to his fucking knees. The suit, neat as ever despite what business this monster was invested in. I looked to His faceless head, a scream echoing within my skull as my emotions trembled between fear and rage. My vision wavered upon him, dying out into blackness. Blinded for a second before clearing up once more, blurring again. The sound around me seemed to increase in pitch, the faintest of breeze blaring in my ears before dying out until I was isolated by silence. My grip on Victor seemed to fall numb, still holding him yet I couldn't feel... I couldn't feel anything. I fricking gasped as my body went from decent to failing in a matter of seconds. My senses were going crazy before dying for seconds at a time and leaving me in a state of mental solitude.
A hand grabbed my tied ones, Victor shot up and I was off the ground the moment he flew onto his feet, fully alert and fully aware. It was difficult to see, my vision blurred as my body felt worse than any illness I've ever had. Yet the moment I was hauled up the worst of it seemed to die down, to the point where I could breathe again. I held his forearm as Victor began guiding us towards the cabin; his attention never once off the creature, back never turned to it. And I felt better, even for that moment of closeness the sickness was smothered by something else, repelled between the two of us. The monster never shrunk as we furthered, seeming to always remain at the same distance. Trying to predict what to expect with these two was nearly impossible, having Victor pull me away from it and the sickness lift was enough to let me know his word was still valid. That my trust was still rightfully placed.
The sound of the cabin's door swinging open with force rang in my ears; I was shoved inside and grabbed hold of the wall weakly before sliding down against it. The door slammed shut but the force bounced it back open, I was able to see through the crack of it; I could see Victor standing outside facing the creature. Distanced from him the sickness activated once more; my insides burned as I coughed and wheezed, feeling like my lungs were to burst under the stress. It crossed my mind death came to others that have been in the state I was in because of Him. I could hear the Caged One screaming, my head swelled with pain as it felt like the two halves were being torn. I tried to focus on the crack in the door, on Victor, trying to keep my vision from blurring. Made him my focus point to try and tolerate the searing pain. I watched his hands flex, stance firm and unmoving in their stand-off.
Hands on my throat I could taste blood; the grandson was pulling at my hands and getting me away from the door. I felt everything in my body turning off, shutting down bit by bit. Coughing came from my right, the kid's low German voice hissing as he fell onto a knee. Affected just like me, I could see the pain written across his face as my vision blurred in and out.
Fuck, I don't even know how long I was rocking for just coughing and trying to keep the blood down. My eyes burning as I tried to swallowing the pain. Both no doubt fucking praying the same thing, to get that monster to leave.
The intensity I felt overwhelming me died off, the sickness slowly fading. Relief came when I could breathe a bit easier. The door pushed open and I looked up to see Victor's mask illuminated in the moonlight that leaked in from behind him. Unharmed but stiff, reminded me of the first in the flesh encounter we had, when he nearly caved in my skull with his hammer. He didn't look in pain this time, just stressed, muscles clenched. Then his familiar intensity fell over me, unseen eyes once more looking down. I wiped my stinging eyes, no doubt red some, with my sleeve before looking up at him. No words, I just reached out and tugged on the leg of his pants. Partly because of the tick, the need to assure myself he was really there, and partly as a silent token. It's amazing how quickly relief fell over in that moment.
At first I was not sure to post this. Can you guess by my time delay? It's not just the fact time distortion really fucks up the mind, you don't realize it's happening much until you're out of that distortion itself. Then everything just seems... Different. It took me a while to organize the information I am preparing to present now. I have just... An ungodly amount of papers here with scribbled words and drawings everywhere. Just notes to help me keep everything in order because I'll be damned if I'll trust my own mind in these times.
On top of that I was worried about whether or not Victor would even want this posted. The longer I debated on that the more I knew that he wouldn't have taken me and shown me such things if he didn't expect me to record them. This blog is about my experiences to help anyone in an alike position, they have to be clear and truthful while containing as many details as possible for all of you. And just a bit for me. This was something established at the start, the purpose of this blog. I used to scowl at the people who insulted Victor, even at the way start when my kindness meant little. I disliked the way they called him some stupid, crazy, psycho fuck. Now I find myself snickering like some crack head because the truth of the matter is he isn't stupid. Unstable a bit, surely, but not stupid. Victor is intelligent as hell, something I never doubted but perhaps this telling will shut some of those ignorant fucks up, eh?
I'm getting to it don't worry. Right now though you have to listen and not skim through all this rambling. Because the truth of the matter comes out here, the reason I am here even typing to you. You probably have noticed I am not a blubbering mess, right? Hopefully you're perceptive enough to see that. Some of those I live with have documented it, the mere fact I'm not on my slab of rock for a bed playing with the slinky is because of Victor. But to understand why Victor is the reason I am not a mess, not like before or even within worse condition, you have to go to the start of it all.
My origins of how I came to be here.
I won't go to the very beginning where it's all boring. I'll tell you where it picked up, where I watched and began to read all the horrors people were suffering because of one individual: "Slender Man". That time ago I wasn't as... Compassionate of a person, I was layered in some thin sheets of ice. My paranoia still stands but my trust is gradually coming back and with it has brought my ability to feel a little more than mere solitude. A solitude I was making for myself for the most part, might I add. I kept to the shadows of the blogs and vlogs recording all these instances, I stayed cloaked as an observer for a couple of years. Then I found MyDarkJournal, I wasn't fazed by the relations to big, tall, and fucked up. But there was a different sort of intensity with him. I briefly considered he was insane, a chaotic man... Possibly a beast. I watched every video he had and read every blog entry, and at this time there weren't all too many. I backtracked, watched everything again, reread, I skimmed comments even. Oh, you think that's bad? You have no idea the lengths I went to try and learn this fellow.
I followed his rise into terror upon Youtube. The people he reeled in were all confused and scared, a few handfuls curious and even rarer few encouraging. A person in my position back then, the usual loner, secluded watcher, etc. wouldn't have dared to step from the shadows. But there was more, I knew. There was so much more to Victor than people were seeing or allowing themselves to believe. His actions were and still aren't without reason and that reason I wanted to learn and understand. The moments where his suffering showed were the motivation I needed to exit my safe haven, to pull from my semi-blind state and fall into a war I was only watching. You see folks, Victor is the reason I am here now. He was my first pledge, to help and protect, perhaps save even someday. Oh yes, does that sound ever so naive, eh? Heh. No. It still stands, it will always stand. My first pledge was and still is to this man and he knew not.
I inquired in the start of it all. There was never a moment I did not offer kindness unto him, hoping he'd recognize sincerity within this dying world. He attempted to show me some form of mercy by severing ties but later returned for whatever reasons. So continued the growth of our communications, so continued his tale in which I inquired further upon and pursued with the same sincerity I had then and still have now.
The beginning of a naive young woman who was trying to make herself believe the world was worth saving. Still is. Is it? Yes. But we will not learn that the way we are proceeding to do things now. We can't end more suffering by adding more, that's just adding lighter fluid to the fire. Knowing Victor's experiences, his own history and understanding how it factors into today matters. It teaches us the causes for why our broken world is cracking further. It motivates some to do worse, yes, but it motivates more to do better than they were to make the change and reel the two halves back together as one. And Victor, I hope when you read this you see there are more out there that want that, to fix this world and change it for the better, without the suffering and hate. I hope you see this and realize not everyone is to blame, for there are others who would have died if they could to protect you and yours had they been around back then. I being one of them. It might not mean much to you personally but the world won't change if you don't give it the chance to.
You see why I do not sob and whimper, yes? While he very much is an intimidating figure (not just due to the size difference, heh) there are many more important things to look at. While there was potential for me to not come back and that there should have been fear in the possibility... There was not. I cannot hate or fear someone I have pledged to, only fear for them and loathe for them as well. On top of that he is known to keep his word and isn't lacking in intelligence and some self-control. Even if the latter does slip.
Now... Let us begin with the arrival of Victor.
----
I'll be honest here, it's difficult to recall yourself when within such a dulled out state. Have you ever had an observer dream? You most likely have, it's where you are stuck watching events and have no control what-so-ever. To best put it, that was my state in a way. My mind was unfocused; when I acknowledged someone else it didn't last or went unheard. I was watching myself die from the inside. I was listening to the Caged One slowly wither as a piece of our... My past was severed. Everything was splitting in two, she was dragging my past into madness and I could feel my present state succumbing to the original host.
What do I remember, though? Sitting for hours just watching and listening to the metal slinky in my hands. Barely able to feel the weight bounce back and forth between my hands. Fidgeting... I couldn't stop my hands from shaking or making these patterns I couldn't even make out. Half the time I just fell into this dead state, I could feel my body in motion and hands moving but I could see nothing. It was just emptiness, distant, everything.
We were at the fire, I think. Yea, Mystery's post tells me that. I remember the warmth of the flames, barely. Mystery was near me, I could see her from the corners of my eyes despite not looking at her. But... I didn't need to look at her to know she was there. I just felt her, I felt her familiarity and it was nice. Somewhere in that horrid state I felt nice in her company. I was plucking at the hem of my shirt I remember, my hands traced to my arm at the slinky. I wanted to start it up again but didn't. I plucked at it a few times through the sleeve of my jacket, tempted to begin another session but kept tugging at the thing on my wrist instead. Maybe it was for Mystery I was trying to divert myself from continuing? Deargod that woman put up with it for hours... Thank who the hell ever for her patience.
Whatever it was we were doing meant nothing. When the first bang came we were up. I was... Moving. Fidgeting, going forward trying to do something. Looking around, yea. Axe, I wanted my axe. I tried to look for it in my still position, my eyes looking briefly at the door that was cracked and indented. There was a pause that lasted a few seconds or something and then the door was knocked off the frame and landed a good distance into the mansion. The red rays of the setting sun flooded our home more and blanketed a figure I knew all too well. I couldn't move and breathing nearly stopped at the sight of that sledgehammer. Fear for everyone spiked but I was frozen, not with shock or my own fear, I was just crippled in this state of mindfuckery. Not just from Victor's sudden appearance but the causes of why I was in that state to begin with. I just couldn't react.
When the sound of his heavy boots came I just knew what direction. I couldn't look at him for long; just brief passings from a state of lunacy I was falling back into. A state I was becoming all too familiar with by the bleeding memories. I noticed a bear trap I had reset on his arm, worry coursed in me on the inside but he paid zero mind to it. A figure of white, smaller than Victor, came from behind. The Oracle I was able to make out with my fleeting glances. And then a masked face I didn't want to even think of came in, Road Runner, and ripped the Oracle from the frame of the door before she could even enter.
He just kept coming my way. I really should have expected this more. He keeps his word and when he said he'd come for me at dusk I should have known better. Maybe it would have helped if I wasn't there at all when dusk came, or maybe not. Ohgod, when I saw Mr. Sunshine crawling from the pits of darkness just as the tip of Victor's shadow laid at my sneakers he tackled the larger man. Bad Man Walking was a big fucker, Mr. Sunshine just as much, but Victor is just a whole different level. The difference in size was just alarming. I watched as Mr. Sunshine mauled Victor to the ground only to be hit with the sledgehammer in his torso, the bigger of the two already up on his feet in a split second. It hurt to watch Sunshine be chucked like a ragdoll, I tried to react but I couldn't. I wanted him to just stop attacking but he continued. Attempting to tackle Victor again but it didn't work at all, Victor just grabbed him and began beating him senseless with the bear trap from his arm.
Warmth surged through the ice that had covered me since Billy's death; I could feel the stinging in my eyes again even if it was just for a moment. God, it never felt so good to scream even if it was to cease Victor from caving Sunshine's skull.
But it worked. Sunshine just dropped from his grasp and he turned upon me. Mystery jumped in front but I could feel the eyes I couldn't see. The black pits of the mask, void with an intensity words cannot describe. My heart hammered, I flinched scooting my foot forward by a fraction. My mind screamed no for Mystery's sake. One second he was approach us both and the next in front of me. From the corners of my eyes I could see Trinity sprinting and I hoped to whatever god was out there and maybe listening to spare her from any sights of hell that Victor may unleash.
If I wasn't trapped within my own body that was losing it, my mind already going as the Caged One fell to the madness she once knew, I would be frozen by the sheer pressure his unseen stare emitted. The shadow enveloping me felt like Executor's restraints binding me to that metal table that short time ago. I found my feet off the ground, being picked up by this giant.
Everything around us seemed to darken, as if the lights were going out across the world one by one. Everything from the mansion faded and nothing but blackness surrounded us. We were moving, I knew this. Like sitting in a moving car, you just know even without looking out the windows. It wasn't long, I would consider it awkward if I wasn't in such an expressionless state of being. Surrounded in all that blackness was familiar. Thought I was dreaming again, waited, even hoped for the comfort of it to return. Victor's hand (wherever his hand(s) is/are) a firm reminder it was anything but. I've never felt so light before in my life, felt like a feather he was holding and avoiding breaking in two. It's strange how Victor can make you feel so small, not just literally.
In the nothingness of shadows around us I could hear him, nearly silent if not for the shallow breathes beneath the mask. The surroundings of shifted, shadows casting into various directions as we pulled out of the darkness. Granted, it was still dark as fuck but there were shades and variations, more than the blackness had. We ended up in a forest that seemed endless, not just because it was night but because it just was massive alone. Sun had mostly set now, there must have been a sliver left from our short journey to who knows where on the planet. He walked a few feet and I was able to make out a cemetery, the sun falling into hiding obscuring a chunk of details. I knew it wasn't just my fucked up state though when I saw the condition of the area. Old, in ruins for the most part. Everything either crumbled or looked on the verge of it.
Victor placed me on my feet and began walking. I squinted briefly, my fingers picking at the sleeve of my jacket as I looked around. I took a few steps forward and hit into something fuzzy, swatting immediately at a piece of moss. Looking up I could see it all hanging from the threes, growing on the tombstones and having spread across the area. Unfamiliar territory came to mind as I looked over everything, realizing the only thing that was familiar was the man that brought me there. Victor and he was heading towards a small cabin. I hurried over to him and caught up, everything seemed so surreal. I kept feeling myself pinch and tug and fricking poke at not only my own sleeves but some objects in reach. When I reached Victor my mind ticked on its own, body reacting, heh... Man, you got to love when you're aware your own body isn't always listening to you, when your mind is splitting in two. The Caged One reached out and tugged on his sleeve, there was a pause in his steps and the white masked turned down once more. I had nothing to say, no explanation to give and I doubted one that made sense could even be said. How do you explain to someone you might think they aren't really there and shit isn't really happening around you? That minor action was enough to assure me for a bit.
After a moment, maybe realizing that I had nothing to say, he continued forward towards the cabin and opened the door. I followed him into the cabin, eyes adjusting to the lighting. Instantly my attention was brought to a young man standing up abruptly from a table, surprise seeming to appear on his face. I noticed though it wasn't aimed towards Victor, a short glance before examining over the odd one out. I tugged down the sleeves of my jacket as Victor pulled away and tucked himself into the corner of the cabin to stand, watching. It wasn't hard to figure out when you could actually feel his gaze.
I focused the best I could, which wasn't easy when half of you has given up while the other half is clinging to reality by a thread. The guy introduced themselves as the Culwyns, offered a hand and out of instinct I found my body lurching backwards. It took a moment to unclench the stiff muscles but by then his hand had fallen, a hoarse "sorry" managed to break through. It was the most I could offer like that. The kid glanced back at the elder who in age had to be in his seventies or around there. The man didn't at all seem bothered by Victor or myself even there, familiarity then at least with one of us which opened up so many more questions. The kid, who I was guessing to be the grandson by now, was speaking to me again. My hand was rubbing the side of my head, like that would help me hear anything better. Managed to catch some broken English, he was asking questions that I couldn't make out. I could feel her, Caged One clawing against the walls of my mind, I wasn't going to last. The focus was dying, the dazed state was creeping back into play.
Unfamiliar. Not home. Where is home? Why aren't we home? Where is the palace of white...
By the time I noticed the hand on my elbow I was already seated and it was off me. I glanced around before looking back to the young man, his German accent tuning in more clearly for a moment. The words I caught hold of were addressed politely, I feel bad at how much of a shit state I was in to begin with. My hand held my throat, trying to get out something reasonable to what I was picking up from him, which wasn't much to begin with. It seemed him and the old man were in the business of secrecy when it came to Victor, whose name was popping up a few times.
He motioned to the room and I found myself following the motion his hand went in, glancing around the small cabin. It looked like such, an old little home that's been around for a long while now. The set-up for video work along with a computer, printer, and what not all in one corner. The only part that stood out, almost out of era even. The grandson had said Victor sends his messages through them, it was a brief explanation about how they post everything online for him. I looked away from the set-up, briefly sliding my gaze upon the motionless Victor in the corner still, before settling back on the grandson. My hand on my throat tightened as I muttered out the name no one knows me by, one that was practically dead. The damn name I didn't know if Victor knew I had until now. Fucks sake, the one thing I am withholding as long as I can for personal reasons. Days spent torn between silence or lengthy hours of muttering to one’s self can make for a sore throat, especially after the mourning fits. Was no doubt feeling it. Pile on Road Runner's assault to my torso still hurt like hell, breathing I barely wanted to do let alone talk.
That's when I found out a little more, though, once an introduction was made. I learned that they were the caretakers of the memorial park and local cemetery. Elaborated a little more on how he posted online as told to, through his grandfather, through Victor. My brows furrowed at trying to focus on his words, the grandfather's voice came in speaking in German and stopping the grandson from speaking all together. I guess he must have noticed, I leaned my head into my hand and listened the best I could, watching as the grandson pulled from the table and out of my line of sight.
I was stuck looking at the grandfather who wasn't much of a talker. I felt the visual examination, probably asking why the hell this unstable woman was in his house. A plate landed in front of me, I could feel the heat from it warming my cold skin. The grandson came back into my line of sight leaned down motioning to it before disappearing again. It's pretty shitty I couldn't remember the last time I ate. Hell, Mystery tried feeding me, made sure it got through to me by body needed it. I wasn't motivated at all, felt no hunger, felt nothing. But it didn't matter because even I knew it was necessary.
The grandson placed down a drink before sitting back in the same chair. Him and his grandfather exchanged very brief words before attention came back to the third party. The kid didn't make any acknowledgement towards Victor since the first one, ignoring the man who was no doubt still there. Swallowing wasn't pleasant, having to focus on making sure food went down and stayed down was worse. The sleeves once more were tugged down, bruised body hidden away. The drink helped at least and picking up the grandson's voice as he spoke helped to distract until all was done.
I stared at my hand shaking lightly, feeling as if gravity was pulling it down. My body felt weighted and immediately alarms set off in my head. I pushed from the table abruptly and stood as my vision blurred, everything I did to try and stay awake in those few seconds were meaningless as the drugs kicked in and I blacked out.
For once the blackness was just that, black, not a whisper not a word. Of silence and patience and all that was peaceful. And then his screaming filled the void and there was nothing but emptiness once more. Another night of Billy's suffering, something I was paying dearly for.
It wasn't until later in the night when I woke up on bed, hands tied in front of me. Something I was grateful for with my current physical state. I kicked myself up to a sitting position and felt around for my knife, gone. Cellphone, gone, slinky, gone, personal affects I carried on my person were all gone. I took a second to wake my brain up. I felt a bit less sickly from exhaustion being reduced by some. Standing up I wandered to the door and pried it open, peeking out of it. The grandfather caught sight of me and hit the table catching the grandson's attention, a finger shoved in my direction as I slipped from the room. He sounded like he slipped an apology for the drugging but I wasn't paying much attention, the room held no familiarity to it. He wasn't there. I questioned where Victor was and was directed to the door, a finger pointing to the graveyard.
Late in the night or maybe early in the morning I found myself wandering out to the cemetery and finding Victor's massive form laying at the foot two graves. The overgrown cemetery glowing slightly under the light of the moon, I found myself leaning down to glance at the names to those that owned the tombstones. He laid before a Genivieve Sellwyn, his wife I recognized by the first name. The second being that of Cassandra Sellwyn, the daughter I guessed to be. He slept at the foot of theirs but the third name caught my eye, a tombstone that read Victor Sellwyn, one just for him besides theirs.
It is strange how easy it is to remember him lying there silently even now. I crouched down for a few minutes just to take in the details, admiring this man in repose as he remained as motionless in his rest as he did when he was awake. I felt intrusive, debated to go back even till the sun came, but couldn't.
He didn't look much different from our encounter at the asylum, less bloody and what not. The white mask would have been easy to tilt then but it never registered now that I think about it. Too much respect has been given to him to have such considered. What I already knew made the sight of this, where he laid, all the more painful. It wasn't hard to reflect on what I had wanted, what I had written before about wishing to do the same to Billy's grave and pretend it was during our time of youth and we were all just stargazing. That none of this has ever happened that the future, my present, never existed. All this hurt not solely for him but for the ones I couldn't remember now most of all for Victor. The start of everything. Who would have guessed I'd be sitting there watching him rest, him in his onetime to be at peace. I hoped that maybe in the future there could be such for even me before mentally snorting at the likelihood at finding peace before death. But if he got to be at peace that made me happy, perhaps he could see them. I knew not what his daughter looked like but I imagined seeing his wife's lovely face meant much as well.
I partially expected Victor to awaken at my approach within the night. Maybe he had and saw no need to get up just yet, I don't know. I felt worried at his frozen state, the worst starting to surface in my severely paranoid mind. The Caged One whimpered somewhere in the blackness as negative thoughts about another death, specifically his. I tried to shush her--me, ughs... I tried to shush the Caged One, scooting closer to his form and trying to see some sort of sign he was still breathing... Or if he was even to begin with. I leaned over him and reached out for his hand, my own two tied together making it rather troublesome. Slipping my fingers beneath his sleeve I felt for a pulse, waiting, hoping.
I briefly thought Victor was awake by the sudden intensity, the vibe felt when unseen eyes are watching. This wasn't like before, though. My skin prickled with an unknown reason, my own body falling less out of my control. It felt as if the ground beneath me was gone, my insides flipped at the feeling of falling yet I was still seated in the same position. Still hunched over Victor who was still motionless. Panic struck and I looked up to find Him too close for comfort, the creature from the woods, the dreams. The eerily thin frame of Him is what I noticed first, the lanky arms dangling at His sides; down to his fucking knees. The suit, neat as ever despite what business this monster was invested in. I looked to His faceless head, a scream echoing within my skull as my emotions trembled between fear and rage. My vision wavered upon him, dying out into blackness. Blinded for a second before clearing up once more, blurring again. The sound around me seemed to increase in pitch, the faintest of breeze blaring in my ears before dying out until I was isolated by silence. My grip on Victor seemed to fall numb, still holding him yet I couldn't feel... I couldn't feel anything. I fricking gasped as my body went from decent to failing in a matter of seconds. My senses were going crazy before dying for seconds at a time and leaving me in a state of mental solitude.
A hand grabbed my tied ones, Victor shot up and I was off the ground the moment he flew onto his feet, fully alert and fully aware. It was difficult to see, my vision blurred as my body felt worse than any illness I've ever had. Yet the moment I was hauled up the worst of it seemed to die down, to the point where I could breathe again. I held his forearm as Victor began guiding us towards the cabin; his attention never once off the creature, back never turned to it. And I felt better, even for that moment of closeness the sickness was smothered by something else, repelled between the two of us. The monster never shrunk as we furthered, seeming to always remain at the same distance. Trying to predict what to expect with these two was nearly impossible, having Victor pull me away from it and the sickness lift was enough to let me know his word was still valid. That my trust was still rightfully placed.
The sound of the cabin's door swinging open with force rang in my ears; I was shoved inside and grabbed hold of the wall weakly before sliding down against it. The door slammed shut but the force bounced it back open, I was able to see through the crack of it; I could see Victor standing outside facing the creature. Distanced from him the sickness activated once more; my insides burned as I coughed and wheezed, feeling like my lungs were to burst under the stress. It crossed my mind death came to others that have been in the state I was in because of Him. I could hear the Caged One screaming, my head swelled with pain as it felt like the two halves were being torn. I tried to focus on the crack in the door, on Victor, trying to keep my vision from blurring. Made him my focus point to try and tolerate the searing pain. I watched his hands flex, stance firm and unmoving in their stand-off.
Hands on my throat I could taste blood; the grandson was pulling at my hands and getting me away from the door. I felt everything in my body turning off, shutting down bit by bit. Coughing came from my right, the kid's low German voice hissing as he fell onto a knee. Affected just like me, I could see the pain written across his face as my vision blurred in and out.
Fuck, I don't even know how long I was rocking for just coughing and trying to keep the blood down. My eyes burning as I tried to swallowing the pain. Both no doubt fucking praying the same thing, to get that monster to leave.
The intensity I felt overwhelming me died off, the sickness slowly fading. Relief came when I could breathe a bit easier. The door pushed open and I looked up to see Victor's mask illuminated in the moonlight that leaked in from behind him. Unharmed but stiff, reminded me of the first in the flesh encounter we had, when he nearly caved in my skull with his hammer. He didn't look in pain this time, just stressed, muscles clenched. Then his familiar intensity fell over me, unseen eyes once more looking down. I wiped my stinging eyes, no doubt red some, with my sleeve before looking up at him. No words, I just reached out and tugged on the leg of his pants. Partly because of the tick, the need to assure myself he was really there, and partly as a silent token. It's amazing how quickly relief fell over in that moment.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Back.
Bitch ass tiny font woman is back.
Yea. Doing better. Funny, right? Considering I went MIA for a little over a week. If you follow Mystery's blog you'll see that I was taken by Victor (MyDarkJournal to those that do not follow blogs much) and the Oracle. I'm not getting into details on that right now, I want to keep this short so I can catch up on things with everyone here. That will be posted sometime during the week, for now you can all know:
1) Yes, I am alive.
2) Doing alright, actually I feel better than... Before. After Billy it was just shit, everything was blurred all into one. I barely even remember the days, when Victor came it really didn't seem like that long. Honestly, few days at most. When he, erm... Dropped me off, for lack of a better term, I was informed that it had been officially eleven days. Yea, bricks were shat, people. Not only can Victor devour people with that void, walk through shadows to get from one place to the other (which I'll say now is really strange at first but fucking amazing), but he can also distort time, apparently. Being that close to Oracle wasn't really ideal, especially after our last encounter. Unharmed, though, says enough. To keep it short like I want I'll say this: The two of them have more of my respect even after snatching me and the works. More details on that all later.
3) Prosper, what you did to Mystery is unforgivable. I will hunt you down, I will look you in the face after I break your mask, and I will destroy the reality of pain you have come to know and exist within. I will destroy every fiber of your fucking world until you are squirming on the fucking ground without any purpose. Until you're begging your flaming superior, Executor, to kill you already. Because I won't. I will not kill you. I'll stand and I'll watch as you writhe and suffer in the hell you made for yourself, you piece of shit. Don't ever touch my family again.
4) Executor, you fucking roofied Liam and his comrade? That's just low. You know, I got a sneaking suspicion you know very well that's the "date rape drug" and chose it for obvious reasons. Obviously now you're seeking answers we are which interests me greatly. Don't think I've forgotten either, you know very well what the means, yes?
5) Trinity, you are so strong and so precious. I am so proud of you. So sorry you were left troubled and worried, that you had to feel such anger and sadness. But I am so proud of how strong you've become, your brother would be proud. So strong and so compassionate, you're a beautiful girl, Trinity. I'm so glad to be back home and be able to hug you once more. I was worried, you know. After Ron's death, then Billy's, and all the others Prosper has killed. It just piled up, but your brother dying and the doppelganger... Who I carried that looked just like you... It plagued my mind, still does though not as badly. Billy and the slander in the papers just made things all the worse after that. I was so worried while I was gone for you. You're kin, you're family, you're beautiful. You were able to bring forth my ability to say I love you, because no words can describe how I feel knowing you're here with us nor can explain the bond we have come to have better than that. I got your message, you know. It eased my worries, brought back my smile and despite my focus having been on Victor I did look forward to coming home someday to you. You brighten this darkening world.
6) Mystery, the moment I saw your injury I knew... I fucking knew. Should have been there to take that blow, you shouldn't be hurt. Smarter than that but... Thank you. For everything. Going after Prosper like that... You idiot! God, what the hell were you thinking?! But... Thank you. Says a lot. Even if it was fucking stupid. You did good, though. Tore off some of that aura, eh? Bet he felt a bit naked, ha! One step closer to unraveling Prosper... Then he won't be able to do harm to anyone again. Not you, not me, not Elaine, or anyone else. You did great, Mystery. You protected everyone. So happy you are all ok, even if banged up... And sleepy, heh.
7) To the family at the mansion, it's more than nice to be back. Lucas, didn't get to talk to you much but glad you're here. Hopefully shit won't be so fucked up now, eh?
8) Back to the matters at hand: Information and what not comes this week. I have some things to process before I post and I want to spend some time with everyone here. I feel like it's been too long. I am going to post things from earlier when this blog began, from Executor's time, from my time spent with Victor. I'm going to post and keep a record of everything... Every little fucking thing. My drive is back, feels... I don't know? Good? I never really knew what purpose felt like, you know, never cared for it. Believed I made my own damn destiny and even if it was turning out to be shit it was still something I made myself. But I'm doing something to help others, hell, help myself. Feels pretty damn nice for once, better than just the usual indifference. It's weird thanking your kidnapper for, well, kidnapping you. But I doubt I would have fixed up the patches if it wasn't for it. I know, you probably don't get it because I haven't told anyone. So you'll just have to wait till I post later on the events that took place and reasons behind why I am not blubbering.
And if I have typos, fuck em'. I spent enough time here. Got things to plan, information to sort, but not before I spend time with the people who matter and give me reason to stand on my own two feet.
Happy to be back, everyone. And yes, I am alright. Not hurt, feeling better, renewed drive, fixed the cracks on this shield.
I feel like the mush piled on in this. Respect was meant to be given and disapproval to certain individuals as well. Lessening the mush before I combust, heh.
Next post will have some information. Promise.
Stay safe,
-Shady
Yea. Doing better. Funny, right? Considering I went MIA for a little over a week. If you follow Mystery's blog you'll see that I was taken by Victor (MyDarkJournal to those that do not follow blogs much) and the Oracle. I'm not getting into details on that right now, I want to keep this short so I can catch up on things with everyone here. That will be posted sometime during the week, for now you can all know:
1) Yes, I am alive.
2) Doing alright, actually I feel better than... Before. After Billy it was just shit, everything was blurred all into one. I barely even remember the days, when Victor came it really didn't seem like that long. Honestly, few days at most. When he, erm... Dropped me off, for lack of a better term, I was informed that it had been officially eleven days. Yea, bricks were shat, people. Not only can Victor devour people with that void, walk through shadows to get from one place to the other (which I'll say now is really strange at first but fucking amazing), but he can also distort time, apparently. Being that close to Oracle wasn't really ideal, especially after our last encounter. Unharmed, though, says enough. To keep it short like I want I'll say this: The two of them have more of my respect even after snatching me and the works. More details on that all later.
3) Prosper, what you did to Mystery is unforgivable. I will hunt you down, I will look you in the face after I break your mask, and I will destroy the reality of pain you have come to know and exist within. I will destroy every fiber of your fucking world until you are squirming on the fucking ground without any purpose. Until you're begging your flaming superior, Executor, to kill you already. Because I won't. I will not kill you. I'll stand and I'll watch as you writhe and suffer in the hell you made for yourself, you piece of shit. Don't ever touch my family again.
4) Executor, you fucking roofied Liam and his comrade? That's just low. You know, I got a sneaking suspicion you know very well that's the "date rape drug" and chose it for obvious reasons. Obviously now you're seeking answers we are which interests me greatly. Don't think I've forgotten either, you know very well what the means, yes?
5) Trinity, you are so strong and so precious. I am so proud of you. So sorry you were left troubled and worried, that you had to feel such anger and sadness. But I am so proud of how strong you've become, your brother would be proud. So strong and so compassionate, you're a beautiful girl, Trinity. I'm so glad to be back home and be able to hug you once more. I was worried, you know. After Ron's death, then Billy's, and all the others Prosper has killed. It just piled up, but your brother dying and the doppelganger... Who I carried that looked just like you... It plagued my mind, still does though not as badly. Billy and the slander in the papers just made things all the worse after that. I was so worried while I was gone for you. You're kin, you're family, you're beautiful. You were able to bring forth my ability to say I love you, because no words can describe how I feel knowing you're here with us nor can explain the bond we have come to have better than that. I got your message, you know. It eased my worries, brought back my smile and despite my focus having been on Victor I did look forward to coming home someday to you. You brighten this darkening world.
6) Mystery, the moment I saw your injury I knew... I fucking knew. Should have been there to take that blow, you shouldn't be hurt. Smarter than that but... Thank you. For everything. Going after Prosper like that... You idiot! God, what the hell were you thinking?! But... Thank you. Says a lot. Even if it was fucking stupid. You did good, though. Tore off some of that aura, eh? Bet he felt a bit naked, ha! One step closer to unraveling Prosper... Then he won't be able to do harm to anyone again. Not you, not me, not Elaine, or anyone else. You did great, Mystery. You protected everyone. So happy you are all ok, even if banged up... And sleepy, heh.
7) To the family at the mansion, it's more than nice to be back. Lucas, didn't get to talk to you much but glad you're here. Hopefully shit won't be so fucked up now, eh?
8) Back to the matters at hand: Information and what not comes this week. I have some things to process before I post and I want to spend some time with everyone here. I feel like it's been too long. I am going to post things from earlier when this blog began, from Executor's time, from my time spent with Victor. I'm going to post and keep a record of everything... Every little fucking thing. My drive is back, feels... I don't know? Good? I never really knew what purpose felt like, you know, never cared for it. Believed I made my own damn destiny and even if it was turning out to be shit it was still something I made myself. But I'm doing something to help others, hell, help myself. Feels pretty damn nice for once, better than just the usual indifference. It's weird thanking your kidnapper for, well, kidnapping you. But I doubt I would have fixed up the patches if it wasn't for it. I know, you probably don't get it because I haven't told anyone. So you'll just have to wait till I post later on the events that took place and reasons behind why I am not blubbering.
And if I have typos, fuck em'. I spent enough time here. Got things to plan, information to sort, but not before I spend time with the people who matter and give me reason to stand on my own two feet.
Happy to be back, everyone. And yes, I am alright. Not hurt, feeling better, renewed drive, fixed the cracks on this shield.
I feel like the mush piled on in this. Respect was meant to be given and disapproval to certain individuals as well. Lessening the mush before I combust, heh.
Next post will have some information. Promise.
Stay safe,
-Shady
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
...
I don't want to write this... I don't. Every fucking word is just a reminder. I don't understand how, why, just... What-what the fuck happened? I didn't think getting supplies would lead to this...
But they need to see and know, right? Right?!
And seeing this... They'll know. They will fucking know you weren't like they say in the papers. Like she made you look because he killed you. I don't want to write this but for you, Billy... And if our two others out there ever find this blog and see, if they learn and come to know... For them. My apologies for not being good enough. I really, really want to keep this short but damnit, no. Full story or nothing. Facts, information, truth. What I experience you will experience.
I'm so sorry, Billy. I'm so fucking sorry.
----
I haven't been in a great state. Have you noticed? Prosper just killed two more people, I found two service medals dangling from this weekend. No smiley face, I wasn't too worried... Maybe I should have been? Could that have been the first sign? You'd think I'd know, right? Studying this shit for years and when I really need to apply it to myself, here and now, I can't. It's in my head and I just can't get it out. It's like love or when I used to remain in silence, it is/was always there just never can/could come out. Should have considered it more.
Been avoiding company, Mystery isn't too thrilled with my silence. Trinity finally started showing progress, I'm happy for her; she's a kid and deserves to live as one without all this unhappy shit. Mr. Sunshine... I feel so bad that I'm in such a pathetic state; he's been -for the most part- near me. When my body demands sleep and passes out I wake up to holding his sweatshirt which is just in arms reach. He's been running around constantly trying to make things better, I don't think he understands yet that this is something that takes times. Six people are dead because of Prosper, two kids dead because of... Me? Road Runner? The doppelganger? Slender Man? I don't know... I want to just channel all this hate and blame at someone already but I won't. Maybe I can't?
Don't know. Not the point.
Been distant from everyone while they were awake, my nightly routine of scoping out the place has increased... I know, I've seen Mr. Sunshine's concern when he wears no mask or tugs at my shirt to try and get me to go lay down. Mystery has questioned it and I brushed it off, she knows better, I know better, we all know better. She doesn't push it, at least right now. I've taken it upon myself to take up going out if we need something since... Well, yea. I ran out to grab some supplies, a few more medical couldn't help, right? I went the back way and cut through town, supplies gotten from a twenty-four hour store I left and used the same path to backtrack and found that the town was doing the end of July fireworks over at the park. I drove over and parked briefly, got out, figured I'd catch a glimpse of them at least. Maybe bring funnel cake home for everyone.
The first of the fireworks began and I stood in a less populated zone in the crowd, the parking lot behind me, woods to my right, some spread out stands separating me from them. I don't know what beckoned me to look but I did, my eyes met his. Prosper was standing beside one of the stand still mostly shadowed by it but I could see... Every detail was familiar to me and I knew he wasn't there just to stare when the blade briefly surfaced from the shadows. That horrible knife you can buy anywhere, large and serrated, as if it's always grinning... Always ready to bite.
He pulled from the shadows and his details shined in the dim lights from the stands, he approached and I began moving away as casually as I could, trying to weave through the people like he did but he just kept coming. He really is like a ghost, the people didn't matter he knew the shortest path and used it. I tried to cut through the people to slow him down, lose him before I made a bee line for the car because I knew he could catch me so easily in the open. And then she came, out of nowhere the bird mask was in my face, she had her hand on my arm and was pulling me through the people with ease and then everything just blacked out. We weren't in town anymore. Road Runner had me by the wrist as we stood upon a bridge within the ruins of an old structure; my eyes squinted as I looked at her as light was shining through some of the many holes. Road Runner pulled me and I pulled back out of her grasp.
All I had to do was look around to understand where the hell we were. "Is this the fucking Roman Coliseum?" Was the first thing out of my mouth.
She shoved a gun into my hands and looked around, "Greater distance will take him a moment to relocate our position." Road Runner hissed as she came to a standstill yet was still looked as if she was within a constant state of motion. Her bird mask tilted to one side, "You must fight more."
"I haven't been?" I grounded out with a sneer.
"You are losing your composure; regain it before there is nothing left." Her voice whispered like nails on a chalkboard. I felt myself scowl and her attention tilted past me, head shooting up straight. Out of nowhere she launched forward grabbing my wrist and pulling me forward, I looked behind me to see Prosper appearing right where we were. She dragged me in what felt like a few feet but as I stared at Prosper he was suddenly farther away on the one end of the bridge. Road Runner hopped the fence and landed on one of the ruined pillars within the coliseum and beckoned me forward. I tossed her the gun and hopped over the fence next to her, her arms helping me balance. Prosper was coming to us fast, Road Runner dropped down and I jumped, she reduced the impact by a lot. I was once again dragged, the sound of Prosper slamming onto the ground behind us hitting my ears. The gun fired back at him briefly, I could see him tilt as his shoulder was hit, or maybe clipped, before he pulled up and sprinted after us. The gun was shoved back into my hands as she bolted around a corner and we were gone again.
In a forest running now, Road Runner pulled me over logs and through the brush, weaving through the trees. Prosper's entry could be heard, he wasn't even trying to be quiet. I looked back at him to see him charge forward in pursuit of us, breaking through a thin tree and tearing apart foliage with his blade as he ran. He broke a log with his boot as if it was just a leaf and continued to gain on us. Road Runner hissed something vile before we were gone again, reappearing within a city and dodging a bus. Prosper came out of nowhere and bolted forward, a car slamming into him and knocking him down as we entered into an alley and teleported again. I stumbled into the stairwell as she pulled me upwards, everything whooshing past us as every step of ours echoed. I looked down briefly over the railing and found Prosper looking back up, Road Runner slammed to a halt and when I lifted my head I saw him in front of us. Fucking ghost.
And then we were gone again, the wind hitting me full force as the humidity felt sticky against my skin. On the roof of a building, probably the same one by my guess. Prosper appeared before us, Road Runner chucked me to the side and I hit the pavement and rolled into the ledge of the roof. The gun was lost. She attacked Prosper, vanished, and rammed him from the side out of nowhere. Just appearing out of thin air and latching onto his jacket, he slid a dash across the roof before elbowing her in the stomach and grabbing her frame. I watched as she flew overhead of me and off the roof, I leaned over the edge and found her dangling barely. I grabbed her forearm with both hands and she grabbed my forearm as I tried to pull her up. A shadow covered over us and pain laced through my back as Prosper's boot landed against it. Road Runner slipped a dash and I bit down on my lip trying to focus everything on keeping hold of her.
My lower half was the only thing holding us both up and Prosper was stomping on my lower back, hell bent on either me dropping her or us both going over. Road Runner hissed again and dug into my forearm, her shoes skidding against the building as she tried to get them planted. I winced at her using my arm as a levy.
"Let go." Her words cut through the wind up there, her distorted figured going every which way. "We'll fly."
I wanted to snort and tell her that Road Runner didn't fricking fly but Prosper's foot cut that off. He lifted it off for another go and I could feel her pulling me forward. It was my choice then, to keep clinging as best I can to the ledge or fall. I let go and fell over the edge off the roof, being dragged downwards in what I thought was to be my goddamn death. It's one thing to fall from a first level, or off a trampoline, or a ladder, etc. It's another to fall from a skyscraper and tumble downwards with your rival to only hold onto to. I was yelling at her to fix it, god, I must have sounded like Fry from that one episode of Futurama. I don't want to explain how it felt to be rushing through the air at such speed, seeing the blurred colors of people far below and all the shades of black and grey pavement that we'd be landing upon.
I was so sorry that all of them would find out about our deaths at some point, find out about how we went splat. That the family I had by blood and the family I have come to know now at the mansion would never see me again. Their shield would be laying somewhere far away shattered, as a failure.
And then blackness covered my view and we hit water. I found myself wringing out my clothes beside Road Runner who was doing the same, shaking her head and tilting the mask to let out the excess water.
"Great fucking job at flying." Was the first thing that left my mouth, I kicked some mud at her with my soggy, squishy shoes. I looked around and noticed we were at a lake, looking up from it was a field and deja-vu coursed through my head. My attention was brought back to Road Runner as she pulled the gun from before out of the hem of her pants and handed it to me. The woman proceeded to grab my arm and I knew what was coming, I caught a glimpse of Prosper behind her some yards away before we vanished. We were running through the woods again, a small structure that looked boarded up in the distance some. A tree crashed somewhere behind us, it sounded like a path of destruction was catching up to us. Prosper's fucking rampage wouldn't seize, he just kept coming. I caught glimpses of him, he tried to intercept us and it turned into a game or teleportation and dodging through the trees. Road Runner seemed to be trying to confuse his senses and tracking ability with short bursts of teleportation and speed, I was just glad I was used spinning around or I might have hurled.
I yelled at her to go back to the mansion, the wards, the fucking wards but she wouldn't listen. She tilted her head at me and then craned it forward, we were gone. I fell from her grasp across a concrete floor and she stood looking around. Pulling myself up I looked around and saw Road Runner looking over at the crates. We were at a warehouse it looked like and she was just tearing apart barrels and boxes looking for anything.
That's when a voice caught my attention; it was Billy, silly Billy. The class clown, the forth wheel to our fun bus back then. I remember him, I still talk to him, but why oh why were we fucking here? He looked so confused calling to us and when I shoved the hair from my face and saw him surprise took over. He asked what we were doing here, yelled at Road Runner to stop tearing apart the stock. I asked what he was doing here at this hour of the night and he laughed, smiled that same boyish smile he always wore and said how he was closing up for the night after they got a new shipment in.
Road Runner was uncapping containers, prying them open, kicking them over and letting the contents spill out. I got up with the gun in hand and he panicked, asking what the hell was going on. I wish I could explain it, I beckoned him over and that's just when shit went wrong. So wrong. A hulking mass behind Billy, that awful knife poking through his mid-section as his body was hoisted off the ground. I screamed for him as he screamed in pain, my heart hammered away and he just writhed and sobbed at the knife tearing through his middle vertically as he dangled in the air. Prosper just brought him down and kicked him off the blade so that he landed between the two of us. Billy didn't even move aside from shuddering and crying, wheezing painfully.
I ran to him and he looked up at me from the corners of his eyes, a whimper escaping his throat. I leveled the gun at Prosper, shaking, my face damp at the sight of a bleeding friend. I don’t know how to explain it, everything flooded at once, every little feeling drained and all the adrenaline, every ounce of pain ever felt, every ounce of rage flooded in. Every bit of training I had came back without me even realizing, I turned down the gun and fired a bullet into his right knee. Prosper staggered but didn't fall, his weight leaning onto the left leg more to keep standing. His mask taunted me, the eyes that could clearly be seen danced with something awful. The bastard rasped a laugh and I shot him again, then again, and a-fucking-gain. But he just slouched where he stood, cocked his head, and then laughed louder.
And Road Runner just started yelling, "Kill him! Kill him! Kill him now!" and "He killed your friend, you saw, you saw! Kill him for it, avenge the fallen. Kill him now where he stands!"
The Caged One... She screamed no. I was shaking so badly... I just wanted to fire every last bullet into that sickening mask. Caged One, she begged and pleaded, she said not to become like Road Runner wants.
"That's the wretch that ruined everything, EVERYTHING! End him, kill him now! Break that body into pieces, pretty pieces!"
"Don't listen to she who is broken. Not mendable, lost."
"You are losing it! You are losing your composure, @$&%$^#%! Become more! Kill him! Kill him! Kill him!"
"And lose everything you have worked for. Allow the taint to spread and devour that which still remains true. Is that you want? What they would want for you?" What felt hours was only a minute or two at most. Billy wheezed from below me, I looked down and he was looking back up at me. Bleeding out on the floor he still showed worry, even by a fraction. I glared at Prosper, his form unmoving and provoking. "Do not let her tame you into becoming a murderer, her murderer."
I lowered the gun and shook my head, every ounce of hatred that arose crumbled as I fell onto my knees next to Billy. I dropped the gun and held him, never feeling more useless in my life. Road Runner's roar as she screamed such only made it worse. In a flash she was gone and Prosper was straightening up when she reappeared. Road Runner dropped from the second level and knocked him to the ground; he grabbed her ankle and rolled twisting her around and throwing her off him by a few feet only. Up again she was already on him but he grabbed her despite the speed, this time directing her towards a wall when he threw her. She just landed against it and repelled off right back at him, landing with her hands on his shoulders, one foot next to her hand on his shoulder and the other on what must have been his belt buckle. Grabbing his head she brought up her leg and kneed him in the mask before vanishing as he went to grab her. Appearing off at a distance before they went at one another again.
Billy... Sweet, silly Billy just looked up at me and I looked down at him then. His eyes growing hazy, body twitching involuntarily. I coddled him like the precious treasure he was. I whispered pleas that were utterly useless. He coughed and whispered, "Europe..." And when I questioned further said, "Europe, she's in Europe." My heart thudded, I nearly thought it stopped in that moment. I thanked him again and again, his smile sincere which made everything so much worse. I apologized, fuck, I still am... I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. He shook his head before the life within his eyes faded away. This guy who I remember so well, that I remember through the years I still can reflect back on. Gone, all we built for together was just torn away. Joshua and Smiles, what would they say? What would they do? His family... Ohfuckinggod.
Road Runner threw down Prosper, her foot pressured onto his knee I shot, the other weighing down on his throat. Her head tilted down at him as she slid her foot onto his chest and leaned down to flip off his mask. A shriek of rage emitting from her throat, her hand slipped into her pocket as she pulled out a lighter. I looked around at the fluid that she poured across the warehouse, the same fluid that was starting to encircle Billy's body and my own. Road Runner flipped the lid and lit the flame, her hand dropping it next to Prosper, her form disappearing before it hit the floor. The flames covered him and spread across the floor of the warehouse, forming around myself and growing closer as the fluids inched closer.
Road Runner appeared behind me and tore me from Billy, throwing me to the ground and stand over me, literally. She delivered a strong kick to my stomach as I lay on my side and my back was trapped by her other leg, keeping me in place as she assaulted my torso with a few kicks. Shrieking and raging as she did so. When she stopped, when the heat was becoming overwhelming and I was coughing not only from the lack of air but the smoke as well, she leaned down and dragged me off the floor to a stand. I could hear over the raging flames hysterical laughter, Prosper standing as he held his burning self, laughing... Just fucking cackling away. The mask cracked away for the most part, his face scarred and unshaven. Those eyes illuminated by the flames, burning on the verge of crimson. His short hair curled forward over his forehead by a bit, the man wasn’t as pale as expected. That face… That fucking face just grinning away with a means to do harm. She teleported us out of the building, standing outside of it with me in the dirt she watched the building go up in flames.
We were gone again, within the parking lot of the park where the fireworks were taking place. It was empty stands still present along with the rides. She dropped me next to my car and halfway turned, looking down at me. I could practically feel the immense anger, disappointment and such coursing through her unseen stare. Then she was gone.
I pulled off the ground and unlocked the car, dragging myself into the backseat and locking the doors. I laid there for a few minutes trying to calm down before I got into the front seat and drove home. It was the hardest drive of my life; I had to pull over from breaking down or not being able to see when my vision blurred. By the time I got back to the mansion it was late, Mystery caught me trying to slink back in. I fell onto the slab and just laid there, she tried to console me but I didn't know where to start, what to say. She's so great, just like Billy... They would have gotten alone, I think... And that just made it worse. I curled up as just finally broke down; she stayed with me even if I barely said a word.
The next morning, today, or well... Monday morning I went back to the house, I found a newspaper on the counter. It had an article on the front page about the fire; they are blaming it on Billy. The fire, the lost stock, every bit of it is blamed upon him. His good name smeared, the only thing we all had left of him, his memory, was ruined.
I went into my room and pulled out a small box with old mementos. I shifted through some of the photos, the old objects. I sat against my bed and played with the old slinky, sliding it onto my wrist and putting away the box I went back to the mansion.
Is this how it's supposed to be? Everything... Just a mess all the time? My losses, god, I've been reduced to watch my own blood kin from afar. The only friends I remember spread out, one in another state, the other now apparently in Europe, and Billy... Dead. Trinity lost her brother, Mystery disowned her own family and they her, Lullaby ran from home, Drake lost Tikka, Blackwater guys and all they have gone through, Mr. Sunshine lost everything. Then there is Victor with his deceased wife and daughter, taken from him within his own time of suffering which has since then never decreased. Living on while those around you that you love and cherish pass away, and all that is ever left of them is a memory. Leaving flowers feels useless, they will never last. I want to lie beside his grave and pretend it's us four again laying in a row and trying to point out the different constellations. These connections are never lost over time; they go on with us and will die with us. Is this how you feel, Victor? What you felt when something that was cherished was torn from your grasp? It was expected from grandparents, when kin were badly ill, not that it felt any different. But Ron and Trinity-D's (as we have come to call the doppelganger) deaths, that of children, made things worse. And Billy...
Billy.
I will fix this. I will...
I can't.
Oh god, I'm fucking useless.
I'm so sorry.
I couldn't even kill the man that cut your life short.
This shield broke. It broke it fucking broke into so many goddamn pieces.
I failed.
I'm so fucking sorry.
I don't know what to do.
I don't.
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